Missed Conceptions

A Change of Pace

2009-01-21T13:53:00.000-08:00

If you would've asked me 6 months ago if I would've closed my blog and started a new one once I got pregnant, I would've told you no. I'd seen it done time and again by people post-infertility. But I figured that even though I may be pregnant at that point, that the things one experiences in pregnancy after infertility is different than one may experience had they never gone through it. I have heard many describe their "survivor's guilt", wondering why God had chosen to bless them when so many others are still going through infertility. I now understand it. I have heard many describe their intense fears of losing their precious baby, even worrying down to the due date because they know that you can't take it for granted. I now understand it. I have heard many describe the distance they felt between themselves and their former infertile friends since they have now become "one of them". I now understand it. So, after they experience success after infertility, they find that the only way to be sensitive to those who are still facing infertility while sharing what they are currently going through is to begin a new blog. I now understand it. I don't feel any animosity towards those who have pulled away from me during this time. I understand it completely, and I hate that something that causes me so much joy would cause you so much pain. I just don't want to cause more pain if it's something that I can help. Furthermore, this isn't goodbye. I will still write on here as things come to mind that are infertility-related. And beyond that, I will continue reading EVERY SINGLE ONE of your blogs every day. And I will comment as much as possible so that you know I am still praying right alongside you. I have editted my previous blogs, taking out anything that is pregnancy related and have moved those entries to my new blog. I have left the pieces of the entries that had to do with infertility still. I wanted to maintain the integrity of the site for those who may come across it in the future and also for the times that I may happen to add something infertility-related to it.

If you WANT to follow me through my pregnancy, please come over to my new blog at www.baby-blessings.blogspot.com. And, I'd love to know that you followed me over there. If that's too much for you, though, and you still want to keep in touch, I still have my family blog where I will continue to write about the things Jesse and I go through: www.thepetersons07.blogspot.com. And if you want to keep up-to-date on my personal thoughts of random things that happen in my day, I will be writing at http://my-bombastic-blog.blogspot.com/. All of these links will be on my sidebar soon. And, since I am just beginning the process of moving everything around, give me a bit of time to get things organized and settled. It is my prayer that the things I write will continue to be a blessing to those who read them regardless of the topics they cover.

Me vs. You

2009-01-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

I recently came across a new blog that I think is phenomenal in its beginning stages. It is called “Me vs. You”. It is about two sisters, Rachel and Melissa. Rachel has been dealing with infertility for years. Melissa is very fertile. Melissa had four children in 5 years while Rachel went through 30 months of infertility, two failed adoptions and IVF before finally getting pregnant and giving birth to a baby just last month. The two sisters now take questions from readers about dealing with infertility and both write their responses from their personal perspectives. They just began this blog in October, but the few entries they have written are filled with honesty, hope, and love.

This blog struck me particularly because I have been struggling with my own blog since discovering my own pregnancy after infertility. As thankful as I am for this gift from God, I instantly began to worry about how it may create a wall between myself and those who are still facing infertility. I know that I’m now “one of them”. Call if “survivor’s guilt” if you will, but it broke my heart to know that something that brings me so much joy- something we’re all trying to obtain anyways- would bring so much pain to someone else who was still going through it. I knew that as hard as that year was for me, many others had faced many more years and undergone much more invasive procedures than I had. I was lost at how to find the balance between sharing my joy and still connecting with those who were struggling. For me, this balance has been in rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15). I have witnessed 10 people celebrate the gift of a miracle life after infertility. Six of those within a month of my own, 2 enjoying their 2nd trimesters of pregnancy, and 2 adjusting to life with a new member of the family in their house. I am thrilled over every single one of these announcements and I look forward to sharing my journey with them. In the midst of that, though, I have 24 names on my list of people who are still walking day-by-day on the path of infertility, wondering how long God is going to lead them in that direction before they arrive at their destination. I’ve considered separating out the ones who have experienced losses as well in their journey, but it almost seems overwhelming to do so as I know so many of them have. And, when I read their accounts, the fears and grief that they express bring to the surface the emotions that I have felt not so long ago. I know how raw I felt this past year, how much my heart ached, and how many questions I asked. Just because I’m on the other side now doesn’t mean that all of that is forgotten. So, I weep with you because I know how you must be hurting. I do my best to respond to as many blogs as possible, sending encouraging words your way, and I strive to pray for everyone every single day. I have plans for ways to minister to you while you are still facing the infertility and plans for ways to celebrate with you when you receive your miracle (which I believe you will). So, back to my point, this blog offered me a way to reconcile the two worlds- to get a glimpse of the fertile and infertile perspective in one, and especially to see how Rachel (the infertile one) handles issues of infertility since becoming pregnant.

The first point that both of them make is that they both had to surrender their rights. Melissa had to surrender her rights to not feel bad about having a family, her rights to not have to walk on eggshells regularly, and her rights to be able to talk about her pregnancies or children whenever and however she wanted. She had to remember that if her sister hurt her, it was unintentional. And if it was intentional, then it did no good to be vengeful back. Rachel realized that she really had no rights either. She wasn’t entitled to a baby. She’s not even entitled to be saved by the grace of God nor entitled to the life she has. I think that remembering to surrender my rights will help me a bit to know how to write on my blog. I don’t want to just close it down and start a new one for pregnancy after infertility. So, instead, I just come at the issue cautiously, surrendering my right to blab to the world everything about it. I have not changed my layout to be all babies all the time nor have I added a bunch of blinking graphics to show off my bundle of joy on the way. I share the important pieces of news about landmarks I reach in my pregnancy, but refrain from writing each day of every symptom I feel or baby item I buy. I try to balance things out between my two blogs and use my family one to write about the more elaborate details of my pregnancy rather than just the medical milestones. Melissa adds,

“Being pregnant two times while Rachel was trying caused us to deal with this exact situation in great depth. As much as she had to battle her selfishness, I had to battle mine too. I, of course, had every “right” (there is that word again!) to talk about my baby, how I was feeling, what I was excited and anxious about. Rachel asked me very specifically to NOT talk about these things with her. Was this an easy request to hear? Absolutely not. It was not my fault, after all, that she could not have a baby. It was not my fault that I could. So, why should I have to be “punished” so to speak? Of course, these thoughts came into my head for about 5 minutes and then I started to attack them with prayer. I was NOT ok with staying there. I was not ok with putting my needs above Rachel’s. Were her needs ok to ask of me? I have no idea…but that wasn’t the point. As Rachel said, living and staying in selfishness is NOT ok. So….I turned to God for his strength. His healing. His grace.”

From there, the most helpful thing I have encountered in this blog is the idea that EVERYONE has their own battles. I wish I would’ve remembered this more when I was still going through my struggles. Melissa writes,

“...no matter how easy of a time one of your friends or family members had in getting pregnant….they have their struggles. So, as hard as it is for you to watch them get pregnant, it may be that hard for them watching you in a happy marriage. Or have, not only enough money to pay your bills, but also enough to go on vacations, or remodel your house. Or, they may see you with your parents or siblings and grieve to the core that yours are still alive. Or in your life. Or or or…..I obviously could go on and on. One thing I DID struggle with in this journey is feeling like to Rachel, NONE of these things compared to her struggle. For me personally, finances have been a veeerrryyy hard thing for my husband and I (some our own doing…most not). It was SO hard to watch Rachel and Joey go on vacation after vacation amongst other things, but I knew that they had every right to do so. But, it was so hard when Rachel would say things or insinuate things such as “well, at least you have kids”. Her hurt and my hurt were not comparable…but that didn’t mean they weren’t both real. And I wondered, if her hurt was so bad, why did it make her ANGRY that I did not have to endure that same hurt? Would it be easier on her if I had had to struggle for years to get pregnant? I pray that she NEVER knows financial struggles the way we have. I know full well that no matter what, you will hurt over the struggle to have a baby. I know full well that what I am about to suggest will NOT take that hurt away. However, the more you can look at other people, the less your hurt will consume you. So, my encouragement would be that you look at each of these friends and family members…I mean REALLY look…and see what is in their lives that is hurting them…possibly to the point of consuming them. And, in doing this, reach out to them. Walk through their pain with them. It will make them walking through your pain with you much easier.”

I have seen the truth of this recently when I saw how waiting on a pregnancy to occur can be easily related to waiting for marriage to come your way. I know the truth of this because long before I ever wanted a baby, I wanted to be a wife. I was tricked by all of the Disney movies and convinced that I needed to find my Prince Charming who would sweep me off of my feet and take me away so that we could live happily ever after. Most people thought I was utterly obsessed with love and boys and everything in between. I looked at every encounter with the male specimen as a possible opportunity for love to brew. I spent my days and nights dreaming of falling in love and getting married. I was certain that I would get married at a very young age and would’ve thought I was ready at even 17 years old (had the opportunity presented itself). But at 17 years old, God told me that I would not have a boyfriend until I was 20. Not an easy thing to hear as a teenager, and while it helped in many ways, I still couldn’t help desiring it with all of my heart. When 20 came around, I thought, “This is it!!!” And God did answer my prayers at that point and I fell for the man of my dreams. It wasn’t that easy, though, and after 5 months of being together, we broke up, leaving me absolutely devastated. I spent the next 16 months broken, lost, and struggling to see God at the end of my dark tunnel. I was now 21 years old and even further away from ever getting married. I told everyone that my biological clock was ticking, and I was convinced of it. In my head, I should’ve at least had a prospective mate at this age. At the end of that 16 months, God brought my love back to me and all of my wildest dreams came true. It’s a true story with a lot more details than just that. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. In all honesty, most of you may not understand this, but it was even harder than the infertility. The emotions were just as raw and the hurt just as heavy, but the reason it was harder was because I felt like I faced my singleness and heartbreak alone, at opposing ends of Jesse, whereas I had him by my side every step of the way through our infertility. The amount of support he gave me through the childlessness is more than I can describe. But my point remains the same that both were very similar hurts, and just as no one could promise me that God would bring me a child, so no one could promise me that He would bring me a husband. And just like I could do everything possible to conceive, but couldn’t fertilize the egg and produce a baby, so I could also do everything to increase my chances of finding Mr. Right, but I couldn’t make anyone fall in love with me.

Now, at 22 years old, my brother faces the same insecurity. He watches all those around him cuddle with their significant others, sneaking kisses and holding hands, while he sits alone. He probably, just like I did, gets sick of hearing the engagement announcements and dreads the holidays like Valentine’s Day or midnight on New Year’s Eve where his lack of a date seems more magnified. In all truth, my brother is an amazing guy. He’s got the best sense of humor and is really charming, but God is doing something in him right now, just as he is doing/has done in our infertility.

Likewise, the most fertile person I’ve probably ever been close to is also the most unhappy person I’ve ever met. She had 2 kids in 2 ½ years, the last conceived only 6 months after the first was born, without ever having to try. She’d probably be pregnant again if she wasn’t in the midst of a divorce at only 21 years old. Her marriage has been an awful one, full of deceit and bitterness and strife. Throw in a batch of crazy hormones and you’ve got a person who thrives on drama and finds negativity anywhere she can. She may have had kids like I wanted, but I could easily look at her and recognize that I would NEVER want them the way she’s had them. And, in the midst of sobbing over my empty womb, I could wrap my arms around my wonderful, loving husband, and be absolutely proud and honored to be able to be walking this path with him rather than in the marriage my brother-in-law and sister-in-law shared.

Everyone has their own issues. I don’t ever want to forget that. It’s not a matter of whose issues are more gut-wrenching. Some may not even compare. But the truth is that their pain is just as real to them as your’s is to you. If we can keep that mindset, I think it would change the way we look at those around us.

So, I encourage you to check out the few entries that are listed in this blog (linked at the beginning) and I hope it helps you on your journey no matter which side you are on.

Oh, and please check out my most recent entry on my family blog. I would appreciate prayers for my family.

Thoughts

2008-12-31T12:21:00.000-08:00

Know that I'm still praying for each and every one of you. I rejoice with those of you who are celebrating the gift of a miracle pregnancy and I weep with those who are grieving of another childless month. I read EVERY single one of your blogs daily and pray constantly for every person on my list. I love you guys and am interceding on your behalf.

Comfort During the Season

2008-12-23T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with what to write on here more than just my beta results. I've seen this happen a lot with people who get pregnant after infertility. I never thought I would be one of them. What I didn't realize, though, is that my inability to write is not because I don't have anything to say, but because I am trying to be as sensative as possible to those who are still struggling this holiday season. I know many people are hurting this week and my heart goes out to them. I was thinking today especially of those I know who have faced miscarriages and are spending this holiday with babies in Heaven. I honestly cannot comprehend the emotions they must be feeling and the hurt that such a loss causes. The only inkling I have of it is just knowing how scared I was to lose this pregnancy and imagining how I'd feel if it did happen. And I know that's not even close to actually going through it. I had a thought, though, that I hope brings comfort to all of those who are going through this now:

I pictured each little baby being held in the arms of God. Even typing that out now brings tears to my eyes. I read something today that someone said about their lost child. They said something to the effect that it brought them comfort to know that the first face their baby ever saw was the face of God. What better place could they possibly spend Christmas?! Of course, our hearts yearn for them to be here on earth with us, but they are being held tightly by the One who knit them together in your womb. I don't understand why God would form that baby in your belly only to take it away, but I do feel certain that He knows the pain of experiencing the death of a child. Because 2000 years ago, He sent His only son as a baby in a manger. I think I've never thought of the conception of Jesus the same way I think of our own conceptions. I've thought of Mary as being pregnant and I've thought of Jesus as an infant in the manger, but what about what was actually going on inside Mary. I believe that God formed Jesus in her womb just as He forms each and every one of our babies (past, present, or future). I believe that He went through the stages of development as His arms and legs budded and His facial features developed and His heart began to beat. Can you imagine the God of the universe stepping down and assuming such a position? And while Jesus was born full-term and lived into His adult years, I can't help but think that God must've grieved a little bit knowing that He was turning His son over to be born all to lead up to His future death, just so that we could have a relationship with Him! I'm sure God feels the same grief when He places a child into your womb knowing that it won't stay there for long, but I'm sure that His purpose for that conception and death is no less amazing.

Here are a few pictures to end with. I hope this encourages someone who's going through a hard time. If you want to read more about some other stuff going on in my life, check out my other blog.

Bittersweet

2008-12-16T10:54:00.000-08:00

I want to thank everyone who has celebrated with me as I have shared the news of my pregnancy. I know what a bittersweet thing it is when you are still facing infertility. And I hate it that something that brings me so much joy would bring so much pain and heartache to someone else. But I understand it, and I want to be as sensitive as possible to it while still fulfilling the original purpose of my blog. I've been thinking a lot about why God would allow me to receive the fulfillment of an answered prayers, while I know that many around me are grieving harder than ever as they face another failed cycle in the midst of the holidays. I also wonder why it's me when I haven't even faced infertility as long as some others have. Each time I think these things, though, I am reminded of the Biblical women who struggled with infertility. The Bible doesn't give any indication as to why Sarah was barren for 100 years while Rebekeh was barren for 40. I don't know if one had unexplained infertility while the other had PCOS. There weren't OB-GYN's or RE's back then to reveal the cause of their barrenness. In fact, I struggle to grasp the grief they must've felt not knowing what was wrong with them at all and how long they may have to endure such a struggle. In addition to that, they were considered lower than everyone else because of their barrenness. I know that many of us have felt certain stigmas of society and wondered how long our infertility would last, but I doubt that it even begins to compare with what they faced.

Furthermore, as I've thought about how God DOES answer prayers and give you the desires of your heart, I've questioned how this can be true when some people may never conceive. In fact, I've kept in touch a bit with one of my aunt's old friends. She, too, battled infertility and underwent many tests. Today, in her 50's-60's, she still remains childless. Having said that, though, she has inherited step-children and still plays the role of a mom. You could argue that even though it wasn't in the way she prayed for, God still answered her prayers. Yet, it's not an answer that comes with peace and assurance, even for me. She sought God whole-heartedly and, from everything I can tell, has been a strong woman of faith. Why didn't God give her a child? I don't know. And I can't tell each one of you what He is going to do in your life either. Some may experience the blessing of children really soon. Some may have to wait for more years to come. Some may never experience biological children, but come to enjoy the fruitfulness of adoption. Some may choose to re-think their idea of "family" as a 2 party system and live their lives out in a partnership with their spouse instead of pursuing children further. Some may experience children only in a spiritual sense as God opens up doors for you to minister to others in their faith. This may be in ministering to others with infertility or to just children in general in youth ministries or to fellow women in Bible studies. Some of those outcomes don't seem to suffice in my mind, but I do believe with all of my heart that when God allows us to go through something like this, it is for a greater purpose. And some of you may experience the answers to your prayers when God knows that it is significant for THIS moment in history for your child to be conceived and born. Others may experience the joys of adoption, growing in understanding of how God adopts us into His family. Others may face long-term infertility, but I believe that even in this God will be doing something.

I know how much the lack of assurance that it'll ever happen for you breaks your heart. I know how much you just want someone (who really knows) to tell you that it WILL happen someday, and preferably WHEN! My greatest struggle was in the fact that no one could assure me that it would ever happen, and I didn't feel any assurance from God that it was His will for my life either. It wasn't until God began to show me how He was working in my infertility, and then teaching me to be okay with it as I let Him work in it, that He began to speak to me about anticipating it. You can read it in my entries. I was lost until then. Devestated. Confused. And when I poured it all out to God in surrender, I began to hear His direction in it. I'm not saying that the moment you surrender to God, He'll give you what you're asking for, but that I AM sure you will begin to hear His voice concerning your situation.

Wow. I didn't really mean to spew all of that out, but my heart was just aching for those who are still facing infertility, and I felt torn with how to share my joy with them in the midst of it. So, having said all of that, I posted an update on my other blog as to the baby's development and recent occurances. I put it there to announce to our family who is more distant about our news, but also to give those who are struggling some space, not overwhelming them with tons of baby talk. I love each and every one of you, truly, and pray for you regularly.

Angel Tree

2008-12-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share one more thing. Last night Jesse and I were at the mall and walked past the Angel Tree with all of the tags hanging on it. I did Angel Trees a lot as a kid. My family would choose a name off of the tree and help to give that kid something special for Christmas. I asked Jesse if he wanted to do it this year. It seems that this year, above past ones, have been able giving to those in need. My church is collecting items to send care packages to the soldiers oversea. In addition, we are collecting clothes to give to the local mission for homeless people. In this spirit, we chose a name off of the Angel Tree at the mall. We decided that since we don't have a baby of our own to dote on this Christmas, we would bless someone else's baby in need.

Meet Seth, only 2 months :

It says that he wants/needs a Leap Frog educational toy. This is probably because the names come from the local relief nursery. However, in addition to that, I'd love to just shower this baby boy with love and gifts. I plan on contacting the nursery to make sure I can get him some more stuff than just that one thing.

It's what Christmas is all about- sharing the love of my Savior with others.

Are you serious?!

2008-12-11T13:20:00.001-08:00

I came across this online today. It's made specifically to elevate your legs and pelvis to allow the sperm to get as close to the cervix as possible. This is common enough practice amongst those of us who are trying to conceive. My doctor actually told me it was pointless, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to take any chances. I was willing to try anything to make sure I covered all of my bases. Having said that, though, what happened to just using an old fashioned pillow?

AND....!!!!

It's $65.95! Are you serious?!

Lemons, Burdens, and Fire. Oh My!

2008-12-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

My apologies to Jen that it has taken me so long to respond to this award. She gave me The Lemon Award:

The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who "have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade. Jen says they "always have something encouraging to say and have a positive attitude in this unfair world we call infertility".

Jen awarded me for "staying positive with all that is going on in life", and for being "a great encourager" to her.

I really cannot tell you how much this award means to me. It's far greater than receiving a compliment or something nifty to post on my blog that shows that people like me. It is an affirmation to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I cannot tell you guys how much I have struggled through my infertility. It only took a few months for me to begin to think that something was wrong with me. Of course, back then, I had nothing more to go on than a gut-intuition, which other people don't really take too seriously. I would spend hours curled up in my bed with my hands on my tummy, imagining it growing, thinking about wearing maternity clothes, coming up with names for each of our children, planning ways that I would reveal the good news to everyone, contemplating how I would decorate their nursery, and dreaming about our lives. I would calculate the best possible day to take a pregnancy test because I couldn't imagine waiting for my period to actually start. I would get my hopes up so high just before taking a pregnancy test that only made my heart sink. Often, I'd crawl back into bed and sob uncontrollably. More and more, these tears became filled with anger as I began to blame God for withholding such a wonderful gift for me. In the midst of it, I'd try to make myself feel better, telling myself that maybe I had tested too early or maybe I had miscalculated the date my period should start. So I'd test again a few days later or just wait. Every ounce of hope ALWAYS ending in extreme disappointment a few days later. I cried. I screamed. I withdrew. I asked questions. And I made up my own answers. Nothing could really express how much my heart was hurting, though. I felt that God had given me this desire to be a mother. I felt that He had inspired Jesse to be ready at that particular time as well. I felt that we had a fantastic marriage and were seeking God and I could not come up with a single reason as to why God was not answering our prayers. Being surrounded by more than 20 other people who were pregnant and having babies at the same time only compounded my pain.

Yet, God began to work in me. He first showed me how great and powerful He really is. Then He showed me the heartbreaking testimony of Angie Smith. And as my heart went out to her as she went through something I couldn't even imagine, He showed me the powerful witness her story was. How her pain was changing the world because He was working through it. And, I realized that no matter how difficult the situation was to go through, that if it meant being a testimony to others and bringing me into a closer relationship with Him, then it was worth it all. That was hard to say aloud. I didn't want to accept any amount of heartache. I didn't want any more heartache than what I was already feeling. But I had to accept that God knew what was best for me.

I came across this picture the other day and I realized that this perfectly describes where I am now. And then, just after I found that picture, I came across this one:

I think this is the most beautiful portrayal of Mary and Jesus that I have ever seen. I think it's partly because of how real the baby looks, emphasizing to me that Jesus really did step off of the throne of Heaven and into the form of a helpless, innocent infant. And then, I think the picture is even more beautiful when I look at Mary holding him close to her as a new mother. The picture has kind of a darker quality to it and Mary doesn't look overly thrilled. I think this reveals a bit of the difficult task that she was partaking in.

As I gazed at this picture, I thought about how Mary accepted this task from God, knowing full well that it could cost her her life. She knew that she could be divorced and, therefore, outcast from her society. She knew that she could be publicly stoned for her "sin" as everyone would believe that she had a pre-marital sex. And, I think that as her belly began to grow and she approached the time to give birth, she couldn't help but realize that she was bearing the Son of God. What a huge task to undertake! I can only imagine the questions that arose in her mind as she wondered how she could possibly raise this child in the way He should go. How would she possibly be able to teach Him what He needed to know when He had created Heaven and Earth? I'm sure she felt inadequate to the core.

And then I realized that just as God called Mary to bear this particular burden, so He also calls me to a carry my particular load. It just so happens that mine is the absolute, total opposite of her's, but it is a great task nonetheless.

I don't believe that God necessarily appoints barrenness on someone, but I do believe that when He allows us to go through it, it is because He is calling us to a bigger purpose. And, now I can see the ministry that God is opening up for me because of my infertility. Most of you I never would've met had I not been going through the same thing you are. And infertility would be something that I skimmed over and ignorantly passed by like most of the population does. Experiencing this myself has softened my heart to the pain that millions of people suffer through everyday. I am finding that not only do they help me to process my own emotions and questions, but provide opportunities for me to share my heart for God and grow with them through this process.

I received an email from a new friend the other day who is just a year older than me and has only been trying to conceive for 2 months more than I have. We actually began our cycles on the exact same day this month, both began Clomid the same day, are both originally Southern girls, and both have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". She asked me how I reconcile my fertility treatments with my faith in God, giving Him control over it all. After I answered her and explained how I've come to see God in this process, she shared with me how she has spent the past 15 months trying to do it on her own. She was so lost and confused, emotionally all over the place. And after I shared my testimony with her, she suddenly began to see it all very differently. She thanked me for sharing, saying that she believed God had brought her to me. I believe it too, and I was overwhelmed by God's grace to allow me to be part of changing someone's life. It was also at the same time in which I received this award from Jen. When I shared all of this with Jesse, he remarked how difficult the journey has been so far. But he added that if we had a baby by now, I wouldn't have been able to share with that girl or each of you each week- the ministry I'd be missing out on!

It's a refining fire. And fire burns. But just as a metal worker stirs his vat of silver, heating it up so that the impurities rise to the top, scooping them out, and knowing that he is done when he sees his own reflection, so God is working in me. And as the temperature rises, the bits of me that don't reflect Him are brought out and God works on removing them; each time allowing me to resemble Him a little bit more.

My heart still aches at times. Ask me how I feel in a week when I've found out if I'm pregnant or not. Fear still arises in me when I think about being in this same place of childlessness NEXT Christmas. I still want more than anything to hold my child in my arms and share that blessing with my husband who I love so dearly. But, when I recognize the calling that God is bringing me to, I know I can make it through one more day... and then one more after that.

~Mandy

Enemies

2008-12-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

I love how God speaks to us right when we need Him to. All weekend I’ve been struggling with the conflict I have with my brother-in-law’s wife. Since I last wrote on here, she emailed me and confronted me about not being there to support her. She wanted to know why I hadn’t emailed or called her. She said this forgetting that I did email her as soon as she told me that they were divorcing and told her that I’d be there for her if she needed me. She responded saying that Michael needed his brother and family. So we chose to be there for him and then she got mad about it. She also is forgetting that I emailed her the same day another mutual friend of our’s had who said pretty much the same thing I did. Neither of us have talked to her since, but I’m the one not being supportive while the other friend is one of her only truly loyal friends. She said that regardless of whose side I was on, I had been her maid of honor and her sister-in-law and she thought we had been close, hadn’t we? Upon reading this, I immediately wanted to remind her that she had already told me that she regretted having me as her maid of honor just a couple of months ago. She continued, quoting me as saying that I didn’t know what I would do if Jesse did to me what Michael did to her. Again, I wanted to defend myself because what I said was that I didn’t know if I would stay with him or not if he ever tried to leave me for another girl or cheated on me. I didn’t say that I would slander him all over myspace or tell everyone the awful details of his sins. When Jesse broke my heart a few years ago, I didn’t respond this way and I don’t think that it is a Christ-like response to do so, regardless of how legitimately hurt you are. From there, she said that I should understand since I have witnessed a lot of the torrid details of their marriage and saw how her “husband drug her all the way to another state and left her 2 weeks later.” UGH! I think I’m about ready to scream! From there, she said that she was thankful for all of the good times we had and sorry that I have made the decision I have (to not be her friend). And she basically told me that I was missing out on her wonderful friendship because of my decision.

I wanted so badly to write her back right then and there and tell her EXACTLY what I thought of her. However, that is my flesh screaming out in sin, and my spirit told it to shut up and wait. I didn’t want anything that I said to further fuel an argument, creating lots of drama. So, I waited, considering every possible way to respond to the situation including:
* Telling her what I truly thought
* Telling her the edited, nicer version of what I truly thought
* Not telling her at all what I thought of her, but saying that it had been difficult for me to know how to approach her at all as I am caught between the two people and have been a long-time friend of the person she is in conflict with. Furthermore, telling her that I did not believe that it was the appropriate Christian response to publicly bash someone’s character regardless of how badly they hurt you and, therefore, was unsure how to respond.
* Not answering her at all and letting what happens happen
* Not answering and then choosing to break all connections with her, including deleting her off of my friend’s list.

The conflict was plaguing me. I found it to often be the center of my conversations and it even seeped into my dreams. I wanted to make sure that nothing I did created more drama for me or Michael (as he still keeps in touch with her). I also wanted to make sure that I responded (or didn’t respond) the way God wanted me to, and that any truth I spoke was done in love. Whichever one I wanted more depended on the moment.

Before I made a decision about emailing her, one way or another, she deleted my mom, my brother, and myself off of her friend list and then posted a comment to everyone telling them that I was fake and thought I was better than everyone else. I was at an utter loss of how to respond.

I realized that my emotions were so strong concerning this issue that it was difficult for me to step aside and listen to God. So, I removed myself from everyone else in the house, from the computer, from the tv, and from my cell phone. I crawled into the warm bathtub and closed the curtain, shutting myself off from any distracting stimuli. And as I soaked in the bathtub, I prayed for God to reveal to me the way that He wanted me to respond Within a matter of hours, He emailed me.

Ok. It wasn’t God that emailed me, but He did speak to me through it. You see, Max Lucado is my favorite author and I regularly receive devotional excerpts of his books. I don’t always get time to read every single one, but always save them in my email folders. However, the subject line of this email caught my attention, “Leave Your Enemies in God’s Hands.”

So, I opened it up and here are the words I read:

Leave Your Enemies in God's Hands
by Max Lucado
From “Facing Your Giants"

Some years ago a rottweiler attacked our golden retriever puppy at a kennel. The worthless animal climbed out of its run and into Molly’s and nearly killed her. He left her with dozens of gashes and a dangling ear. I wrote a letter to the dog’s owner, urging him to put the dog to sleep.

But when I showed the letter to the kennel owner, she begged me to reconsider. “What that dog did was horrible, but I’m still training him. I’m not finished with him yet.”

God would say the same about the rottweiler who attacked you. “What he did was unthinkable, unacceptable, inexcusable, but I’m not finished yet.”

Your enemies still figure into God’s plan. Their pulse is proof: God hasn’t given up on them. They may be out of God’s will, but not out of his reach. You honor God when you see them, not as his failures, but as his projects.

God occupies the only seat on the supreme court of heaven. He wears the robe and refuses to share the gavel. For this reason Paul wrote, “Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. ‘I’ll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I’ll take care of it’ ” (Rom. 12:19 MSG).

Revenge removes God from the equation. Vigilantes displace and replace God. “I’m not sure you can handle this one, Lord. You may punish too little or too slowly. I’ll take this matter into my hands, thank you.”

Is this what you want to say? Jesus didn’t. No one had a clearer sense of right and wrong than the perfect Son of God. Yet, “when he suffered, he didn’t make any threats but left everything to the one who judges fairly” (1 Pet. 2:23 GOD’S WORD).

Only God assesses accurate judgments. We impose punishments too slight or severe. God dispenses perfect justice. Vengeance is his job. Leave your enemies in God’s hands. You’re not endorsing their misbehavior when you do. You can hate what someone did without letting hatred consume you. Forgiveness is not excusing.

Nor is forgiveness pretending. David didn’t gloss over or sidestep Saul’s sin. He addressed it directly. He didn’t avoid the issue, but he did avoid Saul.

Do the same. Give grace, but, if need be, keep your distance. You can forgive the abusive husband without living with him. Be quick to give mercy to the immoral pastor, but be slow to give him a pulpit. Society can dispense grace and prison terms at the same time. Offer the child molester a second chance, but keep him off the playgrounds.

Forgiveness is not foolishness.

Forgiveness is, at its core, choosing to see your offender with different eyes. You don’t excuse him, endorse her, or embrace them. You just route thoughts about them through heaven. You see your enemy as God’s child and revenge as God’s job.

By the way, how can we grace-recipients do anything less? Dare we ask God for grace when we refuse to give it? This is a huge issue in Scripture. Jesus was tough on sinners who refused to forgive other sinners. In the final sum, we give grace because we’ve been given grace.

That should be enough said, right? Well, then God decided to make sure I was really getting the message. So when I opened up my blogger dashboard today, I came across the daily sermon of Pete Wilson . He pastors a church in Tennessee and I found his blog through Angie Smith. He was talking about the recent sentencing of OJ Simpson and the way we seem to love to hate this man. Sometimes, this hate stems from revenge. Sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes focusing on their immorality allows me to ignore my own. However, Pete continues saying that the Bible is full of people who screwed up royally and yet we would be so quick to judge them if they lived today. Then he said something that hit straight to my heart.

He asked, “Do you believe God can redeem OJ’s life? Let me ask a more probing question. Do you really WANT God to redeem OJ’s life?”

My problem isn’t really with OJ Simpson, but it was easy to take this question and insert my sister-in-law’s name instead. And my heart sunk when I admitted the true answer to myself. For some reason, I have always felt like she deserved anything she got. In my head, I determined that she had sex outside of marriage and deserved to get pregnant to show the whole world her sinfulness. I felt like she earned her difficult marriage sentence for not going into the union in a Godly manner. In fact, it gave me pleasure to know that I had saved myself for marriage and was, therefore, obviously better than her. I was proud of my perfect marriage and told myself that I deserved it because I had done things the right way. I don’t think this about ANYONE else who had sex outside of marriage or struggles through a difficult marriage for any reason. I don’t even think these thoughts about Michael when he played the counterpart in all of these deeds. Yet, I somehow justify thinking these things about Kaela because of the continuous wrongs I record her doing. I tried really hard to love her despite all of these things. I genuinely put everything aside and made every effort to be her friend unconditionally. But, when things got worse, I reclaimed my old feelings towards her and added all of her recent transgressions to the list. When the conflicts between us began, I bit my tongue not as much out of love, but out of self-righteousness, knowing that I had been called to a higher state of being by God (true), but also knowing that as long as I stayed quiet, her actions would show the world her own sin and she would only end up making herself look bad while I remained untainted.

Oh, it hurts to even put those words on paper. I want to quickly delete them before I publish this post so that I maintain my reputation. But, the truth is that it’s important to be transparent. Keeping these thoughts to myself allows me to brush them under the rug and walk away. Exposing them forces me to clean up the mess.

This is going to take awhile to clean up, though, because everything within me wants to continue to justify my feelings and claim innocence. I realize, though, that my pride is only going to fuel this fire.

After reading these two articles, I thought again of Kaela, this time in a different light. I thought of how alone she must really feel. Yeah, she chose to move to a different state and yes she does live with her parents there and even has her co-workers. But she has isolated herself from so many of her friends and family members, even pushing away the ones who could support her the most. Regardless of whether it’s her fault or not, she must feel like her world is crumbling and she has nothing to hold on to. More than that, she obviously is not seeking God or leaning on Him for support. Last time I knew, she was angry at God because she had prayed that He would make Michael a Godly husband and felt like God had not answered her prayers. Add this to a weak foundation of faith and a perspective that views everything in her world as negative, and it’s no wonder that she’d find herself questioning God’s existence, love, or will for her life. I can just see Satan whispering into her ear, feeding her lies about the people around her, about me, about Michael, mostly about God. That last one brings me nearly to tears. I only say nearly because I’m at work at have to maintain a professional demeanor. But to think of how God must look at Kaela as His daughter; how His heart must break to see her turn her back on Him as she believes that He has ignored her cries. Yet He holds out His arms just waiting for her to return.

I still don’t want to have any friendship with Kaela right now, but I don’t want her to stay where she is. I do believe that God has the ability to redeem her life and I should be praying for her in exactly that way. In fact, the Bible commands me to (Matthew 5:44). To help me do this, I am considering making it a point for Michael, Jesse, and I to pray together every time we sit down for dinner. We need to pray more in our house and dinner-time gives us an appointed time to do so. Also, since the three of us are usually together, it’ll allow us to lift up Kaela as a family. I think praying for her will keep each one of our attitudes in check so that no bitter roots build up amongst us towards her.

I know this isn’t infertility-related. In fact, I intended it to be only one aspect of everything I shared with you today. However, the extent of my writing shows the impact this is having on my heart. And, while I considered moving this to my other blog, I figured that I shared my heart with you guys first and I hope that anything I’ve said will speak to you in any place where you are also experiencing conflict.

More to come soon, I promise.

[EDIT] Pete Wilson read my blog! And he emailed me and told me that he loved it! And he wants to add me to his blogroll! WOW! Check out his blog on my blogroll @ "Without Wax".

Part 3- Final Part

2008-12-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

As a conclusion to my blogs about my weeks, I wanted to share the most encouraging thing I have witnessed. Last weekend, I was home alone which I didn't want to be, working on an art project that I didn't want to do, and I was watching SuperNanny. Normally, this show consists of Nanny Jo Frost coming to the aid of families whose children lack discipline and need some structure and rules. That's an understatement. Often they kids run and scream and hit and cuss. Jo teaches the parents some techniques to implement which teaches the kids to obey.

This episode was very different, though. The mom, Antoinette, was in her late 30's or so. The dad, Dwight, was in his mid-40's, and they had a 2 year old daughter and 5 month old son. When they met through a best friend Rolin, everyone in their circle of friends knew they were meant for each other. The pair of them didn't waste time... they married and bought their first home together in Southern California. Their idyllic life got even better when Antoinette realized they were pregnant with their first child, daughter Selah. Dwight was promoted at work as an engineer and brought home an executive's salary. They were a happy little family, with the normal challenges of guiding daughter Selah through her terrible twos and making a house into a home. More good news came when Antoinette learned she and Dwight were pregnant again and she would give birth to a son. That's when their lives were shattered. Dwight learned the stomach ulcers he was being treated for had been misdiagnosed--he actually had stage III gastric cancer. He lived for another eight months, long enough to spend a few months with his newborn son, and died on August 14, 2008. His deathbed wish was for his wife to carry on and be a happy mom to their kids. The day before her husband died, Antoinette called Supernanny asking for help learning to parent alone. Emotions run high when Jo Frost arrives shortly thereafter. Dwight had passed away 2 weeks earlier, and Antoinette, who was dealing with a 2 very young kids, had no time to grieve the death of her husband.

Along with teaching the mom some tips about having a routine and feeding her kids, Jo took the mom out to the park to process some of the feelings she was experiencing. They went to an isolated park where Jo asked the mom how she was feeling. She began to cry, saying that she was angry. Jo asked her, "Why are you angry?" The mom replied with tears streaming down her face in total agony, "Because he left me! It wasn't supposed to be this way! I waited a long time to get married and have kids. Why can't I have just a little more time? I finally had what I was supposed to have. We were a team. We had a plan! Now, I have to come up with a different plan, and I have to do it alone!"

As I watched, I sobbed. My heart broke for her. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life and being left to raise our kids by myself. I thought, "I never want to experience that."

As the show continued, Jo had the mom record videos telling the kids stories about their dad for them to know about him as they grew up. These stories included tales of their engagement and things that he liked to do. All of it so that his legacy could live on. At the end of the show, Jo surprised the mom with videos her husbands friends had made. One friend told the kids stories about how their dad reacted to each of their births. When their daughter Selah was born, he said that her dad went out and bought 250 dresses for her. He was just so excited to doll up his little princess. And when their son was born, he was so proud to have a son. He said that Dwight never was angry at God for his illness. He never felt short-changed for having to leave his family early. Instead, He was thankful for every day that God gave him. I was amazed by this statement. I think you could be completely justified in feeling short-changed because you have to leave your young family. I can understand why his wife would feel short-changed for losing her husband and being left alone. I don't blame my brother-in-law Michael for feeling short-changed in his divorce or even his wife for feeling short-changed. Heck, I often feel short-changed in my infertility.

It didn't occur to me until the next day when I saw my piece of artwork hanging on the sanctuary walls- a silhouette of a man falling into the arms of God. This was paired with the song lyrics, "I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God." It didn't occur to me until we sang that song and I looked at that silhouette and realized that I had been drawing it with tears streaming down my face as I watched that show. It didn't occur to me until then that falling is often scary. When we fall down, we're likely to get hurt. When we are dreaming and feel like we're falling, it's often associated with terror and we often wake up in a panic. No one likes to fall... And when we're falling, it's easy to feel short-changed. You don't think that you deserve to have to fall.

But when we realize that we're falling into the arms of a mighty God, when we realize that sometimes it feels like we're falling but that God is ready to catch us and we'll land unharmed, then we can realize that falling doesn't equate to being short-changed. Dwight knew he wasn't being short-changed in his premature death. Michael isn't being short-changed in his divorce. And I am not short-changed in my infertility. And when it feels like I'm falling, I can rest assured that I will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God.

Part 2

2008-12-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

Just one week after Michael moved in with us, I attended a family game day at my cousins' house. I come from a really big family. My mom is the youngest of 6 kids and every single one of those children had at least 2-6 of their own. Now, many of those kids are married and having families of heir own. This leaves me with 21 1st cousins and 20 2nd cousins just on my mom's side of the family. And all but 3 cousins and their families live within 15 miles of me. I am really close to many of these family members and am fortunate enough to have great relationships and a lot of support from them.

Many people who blog about their infertility describe the difficulty in dealing with family members who don't understand and often say really hurtful things. I am fortunate enough to not experience this very often. I do, however, have one particular cousin, one that I am pretty close to, who seems to not understand at all. When I first began trying to conceive, she was extremely excited for me. I had spent the previous year living with her before I got married. She was a newly single mother of a 3 year old daughter and 4 year old son. As she worked swing shift, I practiced my parenting skills, picking up the kids and feeding them dinner, entertaining them, disciplining them, bathing them and tucking them into bed with songs and prayers. So, when I got married and decided to begin trying to have a baby, my cousin, Liz, was genuinely excited for me. But when my own excitement turned into worry, her optimism (I assume) came across as insensitivity. It made sense back then when I was still in the normal range of "conceivable" time. In fact, most people responded this way. But as the months have turned into a year, her response remains the same.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to her younger sister about some hormonal and medical issues she'd been having. In fact, her symptoms sounded to me like endometriosis. So I suggested that she mention it to her doctor because she wouldn't want to find out years later when she tried to have kids and couldn't. At this particular game night, she was updating me with the most recent blood tests revealing a low thyroid level and her current course of treatment including charting her cycles. I asked her, out of curiosity, if her cycles were longer than 35 days which could mean that she wasn't ovulating. Liz, overhearing this question, responded quickly, "That can't be true! I've had 2 kids and I've always had long cycles, sometimes more than a month and 1/2 between periods!" I responded, "Liz, it doesn't mean that you can't ever get pregnant. You may ovulate one month and not another. You just got lucky." She responded in disbelief and I was like, "Liz, I've studied this for over a year!" The conversation turned back to her younger sister's medical treatments and then there were many games that followed.

A few hours later, as we were walking out the door, Liz made a comment to me about not getting to talk to me much. I told her that she could just talk to her younger sister to find out everything that was going on with me. She responded, "I heard some of it. I can't believe you are actually taking fertility drugs now!" I said, "Liz, it's been over a year." She said back, "Yeah, but lots of people try for years and years." UGH!!! I just can't believe how some people don't understand that trying for years and years is not normal! Something is probably wrong with you if it takes that long!!! And, infertility is not one of those things that doctors treat haphazardly and just subscribe pills to "see if this works". We had to wait a full year to even seek medical intervention since we had nothing to hint at a problem. Then we had to undergo extensive tests, and the drugs I am on currently are the least invasive, most reasonable next step to take at this point for us. More than anything, I was taken aback at the idea of still having to justify my infertility after a year of not conceiving. It made me wonder how much would be enough to prove my infertility? Would 2 years be enough? 3 years? 5 years?

The very next day, I attended my family Bible study, attended by many of the same cousins and aunts. I don't always go, but this particular week was related to infertility and my mom thought I may have a unique perspective to offer. Before the study, I sat down at the computer to check all my messages and blogs. It's here where I first read my sister-in-law's blog that completely attacked my brother-in-law. Then I opened up my blogger dashboard and learned that one person who had just announced her pregnancy was announcing the loss of her baby. And another fellow infertility blogger whose wife was recently pregnant had just experienced a significant amount of bleeding and things didn't look too good. Then we began the study...

The study is called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. She is a strong woman of faith and has a heart for God. This particular week's study was about the dreams that little girls have like being beautiful, being a bride, having children, and living happily after. Each dream was broken down into a day's study and examined from a Biblical perspective. So, this day's study was about having children. The basic idea presented by Beth was that even if you aren't fruitful with physical children, you can have spiritual children through ministries that allow you to encourage younger believers in their faiths. I think in and of itself, this idea is true. But, there are so many dreams not met through spiritual children that can only be met through physical children. I want to BE pregnant. I want to feel my child grow inside of me. I want to physically bring this baby into the world through childbirth. I want to hold my baby in my arms and know that this child was conceived in the love that Jesse and I share. I want to look at his/her face and know that they carry our features. I want Jesse to teach his son to play catch and dance with his daughter on his feet. Spiritual children don't meet these dreams.

One point Beth made in the study was that God gives you the desires of your heart when you delight in Him, when your desires line up with His desires for you. Therefore, if you are seeking God with all of your heart, and your desires don't change, especially ones that you feel deep to your core, I believe that you can stand on the belief that those desires are from God and that He must give them to you at some time. Now, this could be fulfilled in other ways. More than being pregnant, I just want to be a mom. So, perhaps God will still make me a mom through adoption. Not every aspect of my dream would be met, but I would ultimately have children, fulfilling the purpose of the dream, right? As for me, this is how I look at my current situation. I believe that God has given me the desire to be a mother. I believe He has equipped me with many skills to do it well. And I have to believe that if I am seeking Him and my desire has not changed, He will fulfill it one way or another.

I think people are scared to stand on this promise, though. What if your desire never changes and God never gives you kids? Does that make Him a liar? I don't know how to answer these questions completely. I do not believe God is a liar. That one is easy. What does it mean, though? I have no clue. And my lack of answers concerning this used to make me angry towards God, and made my infertility something I struggled with. I came to a point, though, that I had to believe God knew better than me. I had to believe in His sovereignty even in my situation. I had to believe that He had a purpose in it even if I didn't understand what He was doing.

In the study, though, I found myself surrounded by people who could easily shrug off infertility by saying that there is a blessing in barrenness (read my previous blog to see how I feel about that) and that you can have spiritual children even if you can't have physical children. The only person who has experienced infertility at all in this group of people was my mom. It took her 4 years and a miscarriage to finally have me. But she didn't go through the same struggles that I have. As I've discussed my journey with her, she struggles to understand. She didn't feel the same urgency. She didn't have any worries. She wasn't even really actively trying. She was more focused on her marriage, moving, and jobs and just assumed it would happen at some point. It just happened to take 4 years and a miscarriage to reach that point. Everyone else in the room had children without any difficulty or has not even tried to have kids yet.

The basic idea of the study was one founded in truth, but it so quickly dismissed the hurts of infertility and the dreams that are missed out on when one experiences barrenness. It was difficult for me to sit there those few hours and listen to the points of the study, still feeling like I had to justify why spiritual children will not suffice every need. My heart ached. It ached for my brother-in-law and the horrible effects of divorce. It ached for how some people allow difficult situations to bring out the bad in them. It ached for others whose hearts were also aching as they were facing the death of a miracle. And it ached for myself, as I strive to understand God in my infertility and strive for others to understand it as well.

Yesterday, though, I experienced a moment that makes up for all of the moments that no one understands- a moment that gives me encouragement in the midst of infertility- a moment that makes me feel like what I am going through matters even to those who don't understand it- in reality, a moment where someone takes the time to ask me how I am and delve into the difficult questions. You see, I work in the nursery at my small church. Each week, I sit through the service in a playroom surrounded by mothers and their tiny toddlers. When I began doing it, I thought that I would quickly become one of them, but as time goes on, I often find myself sitting on the outside. They share their stories of pregnancy and childbirth and I share my fertility treatments. They share stories of the things that their kids do and I share stories of the things my cousins' kids do. In fact, one woman in this group is 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child, and she got pregnant the very first month she began trying which happened to be 5 months after I started trying. Yesterday was an odd day. There was only 1 mother and 2 small kids, so the nursery was much quieter than normal. Yesterday, amongst the many topics we discussed, this mom took the time to ask me how things were going with my doctor's appointments. Then she went deeper and asked me how I handled working in the nursery with all of the kids and even the pregnant moms. She said she had even discussed the question with the mom who is currently pregnant, and they wondered how hard it must be for me. She acknowledged that I am not a selfish or jealous person so I probably don't wallow in self-pity, but that it must be difficult to be surrounded by every week. I got to share some of the struggles and the hopes that God has given me through it all. To me, this is big! It means the world to me to have someone just take the time to learn more about what I'm going through. This is the biggest thing I have experienced in the past year and one of the biggest things I've experienced in my entire life. And yet, people often ignore it because they don't know what to say. How much it means to me to have someone take the time to just ask and try to understand! I left that day feeling refreshed, feeling like at least 1 more person has gained understanding into the issues of infertility. I didn't have to justify anything. I didn't have to prove anything. I just got to tell my story and know that someone cared enough about me to ask for it.

Not everyone will understand infertility. Some people don't care to acknowledge it. Some people just don't get it. Some people will not ever encounter it. But I believe God has allowed me to experience this for a purpose. I believe that He has/is giving me a testimony through it all. And, I see it as a joy to enlighten others on the issue and to share how God works in my life in this way, even if that's just one person at a time...

Part 3 to come...

Part 1

2008-12-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

As I've said multiple times in the recent posts, I have struggled with what to write about the recent events of my life, but being that I am home sick and just received a not-so-nice email regarding one of the issues I've been tiptoeing around writing about, I have decided that I'm just gonna suck it up and write out everything that's been going on. This is, after all, MY BLOG! So, here we go:

The first big event was my brother-in-law moving in with us. As some background information, Jesse and I each only have 1 sibling- both of them being a brother.

(David, Me, Jesse, & Michael)

Coincidentally, I am the oldest of all four. Jesse’s brother, Michael, is just 3 ½ months younger than I am. My brother, David, is 11 months younger than Michael and Jesse is 9 months younger than David. I was actually closer to Michael than I was to Jesse for most of the 8 years that we have all gone to church together.

Our youth group only consisted of about 8 regular members along with 3-4 who came in occasionally on the side. The 8 of us were best friends, though. We did EVERYTHING together. And, all of us, at one point or another, had a crush on someone else in the group. It makes sense when you consider that we all wanted to be in relationships with someone who held our same values and interests. Our choices were limited, though. Each person was related to at least one other person. I was related to three! So, it was a given that with Michael being the only guy my age, we were bound to consider the possibility of romance at some point. I always thought Michael was an absolutely great guy, and there were aspects of him that I did like, but when it came to thinking about the guy that I could spend the rest of my life with, I was pretty certain it wasn’t him. The most that ever happened between us was going together to a homecoming dance and seeing one moving on a date one time in which we didn’t even touch each other. We remained close friends, though, throughout all of these years. When we were both 20 years old, we stayed up really late talking one night. Out of curiosity, I asked Michael if he still had feelings for me. He admitted that he kinda did, but said that he had recently begun liking a girl at his work and was considering asking her out. It was during this same time that my feelings for Jesse had begun to change. He was no longer the immature jock who I had nothing in common with. He was graduating high school and planning his college career. And, most importantly, I had witnessed Jesse growing in his relationship with God in ways I had never seen before. Michael and I agreed that we could once and for all decide that we weren’t meant to ever be together. That same week, Jesse and I began dating, and just 8 days later Michael asked out “that girl from work.” Just over a year later, Michael and Kaela got married. And Jesse and I followed a year after that. You can read our story in full here.

I say all of this to lead up to the fact that Michael and Kaela had everything going against them from the very beginning of their relationship. And, when they got married, this complications just compounded on one another, and both of them made horrendous mistakes. Now, after 2 ½ years of marriage and 2 young kids, they have decided to get a divorce. Jesse and I were more than willing to offer our home to Michael during this difficult transitional time. We know that he hasn't been perfect in this ordeal, but he’s our brother and we love him. So, Michael moved in nearly 2 weeks ago, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Michael has been very honest about the mistakes that he made during his marriage, and it has been my prayer for him that God would use this terrible situation for Micheal's good. I pray that he grows to know God in a new and intimate way that he's never experienced before. I pray that through this, he grows to become the Godly father that he needs to be for his kids. And, as Michael is only 23 years old, I think it is very likely that he can get remarried in the distant future, and I pray that God uses this time to create character in Michael so that he can be the Godly head of the household that he has failed to be so far. I pray that my relationship with Jesse will show him that you CAN have a wonderful, happy, Godly marriage and that it will be a daily example to him of how to love each other as you love God.

My heart breaks daily for Michael, though. He and his wife had just moved to Idaho from Oregon (where we live) a month before they decided to get a divorce. They were living in one bedroom (with both kids) of her parents' house, and Michael was planning on going to school there beginning in May. When this divorce was decided upon, Michael was put into the difficult position of staying in Idaho where he had no one except his ex-wife, her parents, and his kids or to come home where he had his whole family and church support but to leave his kids. Compound that with the fact that he was receiving unemployment after a big corporate layoff and was awaiting his grant for school from this layoff meaning he couldn't get a job to get his own place without losing everything, and the decision to come back to Oregon was really the only one he could make. He still plans on moving back in May when school starts, and he'll be able to support himself then. It seemed that his wife supported this decision, as he needs his family, until he actually left. Then she lashed out and accused him of leaving his "real" family and abandoning his kids. I can tell you that Michael loves his kids more than anything. I watched him pour out his heart in church last night to our small group, choking up and crying as he described how much it hurt to miss out on Thanksgiving with his 2 year old daughter and 9 month old son. He calls almost daily and endures brutal verbal attacks from his wife, just to be able to say hi or goodnight to his kids. And he has sucked it all up and kept his cool, not wanting to do anything that would compromise his future with his kids.

Meanwhile, she has posted a blog on myspace that tells everyone everything that Michael has ever done wrong while she maintains the victim role, and she continues to write horrible things about him for everyone to read. She even told everyone that he left his family there to move in with his brother and ex-girlfriend who happens to now be married to his brother! (See above to be reminded that I never dated Michael) I believe that this reaction is very normal and very common in divorce. I believe that God created marriage to be a sacred bond uniting two people as one. And, when divorce happens, you have to figure out how to separate yourself from the other person, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I believe God hates divorce because it goes against His plan for man. I believe God hates divorce because of all of the repercussions it creates. And I believe God hates divorce because it brings out characteristics in people that go completely against His character- hate and bitterness and jealousy and anger, etc. It's normal, but it's unfortunate. In fact, it's awful. And it's difficult to be on the receiving end of it.

I have read everything that she has posted about Michael and (indirectly) about Jesse and I. I have read the comments she has made implying that her "true" friends are those who have supported her as she lashes out at him. In all of this, I have remained silent. I have not responded to any of it out, neither wanting to create drama by telling her how I really feel nor wanting to condone her behavior by saying anything supportive. I have considered taking her off of my friend's list, but have not wanted to do anything to make it look like I am singling her out or making a personal attack on her.

Truth be told, I don't want to be her friend. I've had an off-and-on relationship with her from the very beginning. We were best friends up until she became pregnant with her first child. Something happened in her, most likely hormonal, and she became the most hateful and horrible person I've ever encountered. I couldn't handle the complaints and negativity when she had the husband and child that I so longed for while I was going through the most difficult time I've ever had- the break-up that Jesse and I had before we got married. During this time, I threw her a bridal shower and was the maid of honor in her wedding, despite the fact that I had not talked to her in months. I would've backed out but I knew that she didn't have anyone else. My mom, in fact, paid for a huge portion of both the shower and wedding. Afterwards, all I heard were complaints from her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't have any relationship with her at all until Jesse and I got back together 8 months later. I knew that Jesse and I were going to be married and that she would be my sister-in-law. So, I put aside everything from the past and determined to have as much of a friendship as possible. For the most part, we were able to gain back the relationship we had before. There were things that were still difficult, things that she did that I didn't agree with or didn't like, but we got along pretty well. That is, until September of this year, just a month before they moved to Idaho. During this time, she was experiencing some really difficult times, including a whole slew of hormonal issues like post-partum depression, a difficult time in her marriage to Michael, and a terrible job where she was over-worked, under-paid, and mistreated. Knowing how difficult it was for them, Jesse and I tried everything we could do to be there for them. But, one night, Jesse said something teasingly to her and she took it horribly wrong. She harrassed him for days with angry text messages and demanded a face-to-face apology from him. It broke my heart to see my husband hurting. So, when I told her what I thought of the whole situation, she told me that it was all Jesse's fault, she said awful things about my mom and brother, and said that she wished I had never been her maid of honor, and that I was just jealous of her because she could have kids and I couldn't.

Jesse and I didn't want them to leave for Idaho and have this situation hanging over our heads. So we sucked it all up, said our apologies, and chose to look past the rude comments to still maintain a relationship with them. I decided at this point that I had witnessed too many hateful things come from this person and she was not someone that I really wanted to be friends with, but that I wanted to keep an open relationship with her to maintain a relationship with my brother-in-law, niece, and nephew. I would send her messages about once a week to see how they were doing after the move, but she was always so negative describing everything that was wrong. So, I struggled with what to say. When she told me about their divorce, I told her that we loved them and that I wanted to be there for her if she needed anything. She said that Michael really needed his family and that it was important for Jesse to be there for him. It was just 1 week later that Michael took a long Greyhound bus ride back to Oregon and moved in with us. And, thus we are up to date.

As I said, I haven't said anything to her during this time as to avoid the drama. I have been debating and wrestling with how to describe any of this on this blog, though. It's not infertility related but affects me very deeply. But, I wasn't sure how much to open up on here not knowing if she even reads this blog. And I certainly didn't want to say anything to offend her or cause more problems. But, if I wrote vaguely and didn't say anything in detail then I wasn't really saying what was on my heart.

Today, I received an email from her. She asked me why I haven't emailed her or called her or asked how she is doing. She said that we had been friends, I had been her maid of honor, and her sister-in-law and yet I wasn't there for her while she was going through this. She ended the email saying, "thank you for all the good times and I am sorry you have chosen the path that you have. I am a great person and friend to have." I am at a loss for words to even reply back to her. Is it even worth it? Why am I so worried about maintaining a friendship with someone who I feel so negatively towards? I think it's because, for one thing, I don't want to acknowledge that there may be someone in this world that might not like me. I'm a great person, right?! :-) For another thing, she will always be a part of my life in one way or another. She will always be the mother of my niece and nephew and I don't want any conflict with her to keep them from being in my life. And lastly, I don't want to do anything that compromises my witness for God and responds in a way that is not Christ-like. So, how do I speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 says?

While I still don't know how to respond to her, Jesse and I try to allow this situation to only bring about good in our household, though. We refuse to allow the lies surrounding this ordeal to get to us. When the past and present conflicts come up in conversations, we make it a point to express love to one another and offer prayer to God as the best response to our feelings. Jesse and I have made it a point to learn from the mistakes we've witnessed and consciously take steps towards loving each other more and more like God tells us to. We hug each other more tightly, we kiss more passionately, and we express our appreciation for each other more often. And, I hope that the love Jesse and I show to each other will be a great example to Michael of a Godly marriage. Divorce is an awful thing, but if we can allow God to use it for Michael's good and for our's, then He can be glorified in it.

To not overwhelm you, I will break up everything I have to say in multiple blogs and you can read at your leisure. I do not mean this blog to be a venting or a way to talk badly about others. I share this story primarily because it affects me every single day and makes up the things that God is teaching me. More to come...

Update

2008-11-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been struggling with what to write on this blog, not for lack of something to say but really because the things I've been going through are kinda all over the place. Some of them are not infertility related, but affect me nonetheless. These are difficult to describe, though, because they affect the people closest to me, and frankly, if I said exactly what's on my mind, it may offend someone directly related and cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Yet, I struggle with tiptoeing around the issue because this IS my blog, and I want to say what I'm going through, especially if God is teaching me something through it. Other things I'm going through are more related to the issues of this blog, but I'm still at a loss for words to express what's on my heart.

Truth be told, I've started writing this blog at least 4 times already. I have 2 rough drafts saved in my "drafts", both just stopping part way through it. As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about a different way to approach all of the issues, but also thought that I would like to do just a general update of my trying to conceive journey.

When I began this blog, I simply started it as a way to chronicle the things I went through in getting pregnant. As the months added up, though, it became a way for me to vent my frustrations through the process. And, as I came to terms with my infertility, it became a way for me to engage with other people who are going through the same things. Here, we have a mutual ministry. I am so thankful for each and every person whose blog I am connected to. They speak to me in unbelievable ways, helping me to stay strong and encouraging me that I'm not alone. I look at my own blog as a ministry as well. I hope that the things that I share help others to see God in their journey as well. But, I do not want to neglect the simple day-to-day aspects of this process because they are not deeply profound. I still want this to be the chronicle I started it off to be.

So, I say all of this leading up to my current cycle, which is probably the most bizarre I've ever experienced. Normally, I start my period on cycle day 1, am done with it by cycle day 5. Then I usually a positive ovulation test around cycle day 11-12 and ovulate by cycle day 13. During this time, my basal body temperature is in the 96.0-97.0 range. The day after ovulation occurs (usually cycle day 14) my temperature spikes up to the 97.0-98.0 range and stays there until my period is just about to start again, when it drops back down to the 96.0-97.0 range. This usually is about 13 days.

(A totally normal chart from last month)

However, this cycle has been totally different. As most of you know, my cycle began on November 14th. On November 17th (cycle day 4), I had my last blood test, received my official diagnosis of "unexplained infertility", and was written a prescription for Clomid. I started the Clomid the very next day (cycle day 5) and was supposed to continue it until Saturday the 22nd (cycle day 9). I decided to take the pills just before bed because I've heard the side effects can be horrendous with hot flashes, cramps, headaches, bloating, etc. I had also heard that it could make you drowsy, so I figured that I could just take it before bed and sleep off any side effects. In general, I didn't experience any side effects. I think it did make me drowsy because that first night I slept more soundly than I had in months, sleeping through things that normally wake me up easily. The only other possible side effect was that my period seemed to last much longer than normal as I was still spotting 2 days past my normal length. It was hard to find other people who have experienced this, but I did find someone who seemed to have the same experience, so I assume it really was the Clomid.

After that, my temperature seemed to be all over the place. At the high points, it was over 97.0, but wasn't staying there. Instead, it would drop to a low below 96.0, much lower than normal. Furthermore, I didn't get a positive ovulation test until yesterday (cycle day 15) and I have yet to see a significant rise in my temperature to indicate that ovulation has occurred.

(My current cycle)

The later ovulation occurs, the longer my whole cycle lasts since generally your luteal phase (from ovulation to next period) stays relatively the same. I don'really know what to expect this month. I guess my new "go-with-the-flow", no script mentality is being tested :-)

I still plan on posting a more in-depth blog soon. Thanks for bearing with me through the mundane. In other news, I have a great day planned for today. In lieu of my very romantic date night we had planned for tonight, I decided to go with the very fun date day in which we will go see a funny movie, get our Christmas tree and decorate, and go out and do some fun activity. YAY! I'm super excited! Definitely more pics to come :-)

Blessed are the Barren???!

2008-11-21T13:57:00.000-08:00

Many people title their blogs with creative headings, which somehow convey the theme of their writings. That makes perfect sense, right? Of course it does! Take my blog title, for instance, “Missed Conceptions”. I use it as a play on words: Conception meaning both the fertilization of an egg and subsequent pregnancy AND the understanding of an idea, both lacking or “missed”.

Out of the 30-some-odd blogs that I follow, only two have the same title: Blessed are the Barren. It has a nice ring to it. It gives purpose and meaning to the state we are in. It sounds scriptural like, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” In fact, when I heard it, I just accepted it as scriptural truth and moved on. However, yesterday I was reading through one of these aforementioned blogs as she described why she picked the title for her webpage. She was discussing the idea of whether we are blessed in our barrenness presently or are blessed in it in a future tense. And, to further her point, she quoted Luke 23:26-31. An excerpt of it says, “Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed.”

Now, I want to say that the blogs that I have read from this particular person are full of faith and conviction. She is an amazing writer with a heart for God, and I have agreed with her on pretty much everything she has written. When I read this verse, though, I was shocked at how misused (I believe) it is. In fact, I realized that so often those two lines are quoted and believed as true when the surrounding verses give a completely different picture. I will explain more later, but I first wanted to discuss what I’ve learned about barrenness.

This verse prompted me to do an extensive word study on the word “barren”. It’s a word that I NEVER use to describe myself. “Infertility” can be temporary, but “barrenness”, to me, connotes an empty and void, desert-like wasteland. It has a forever feeling about it. I refuse to accept that I will be infertile forever. Therefore, I will not refer to myself as such. The purpose of my study, though, was to see what the Bible really says about barrenness, and the Bible does refer to it as a simple state of childlessness. I did not go in with any specific motive to prooftext. I simply looked up the word “barren” and “womb” in 10 different translations, compiled all of the Scriptures that used those words (roughly 75-80), broke down each usage of the words into Greek & Hebrew and studied their meanings and usage, and discovered the context in which they were used. I have more than 18 pages of Scriptures and notes to back up the conclusions that I am about to state to you. This might prove to be a little long, but it helped me to understand things a little better.

So, here is my conclusion about “barrenness”:

I believe that first of all, barrenness is not from God. I believe that it, initially, came as a result of Adam’s sin, since everything before that was good and perfect and innocent. I believe that God spoke each aspect of Creation into being and professed its goodness as each thing reflected God’s own goodness. He formed man in His own image. I do not believe that man was created with any flaws to his physical being. As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin, God cursed creation. This curse brought out hostility, pain, hard work, and destruction. None of these things existed before, but now are a part of our everyday lives. Just as sickness simply exists because we live in a fallen world, so I believe that barrenness also exists. Our bodies no longer function the ways that God created them to. They grow old and deteriorate and hurt and break.
*Genesis 1: All of Creation was deemed as “good” after being fashioned by God.
*Romans 1:19-20- “…since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”
*Psalm 19:1- “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.”
*Genesis 3:14-18: God’s curse on creation because of Adam and Eve

Next, I believe that God is the one who opens and closes the womb. He is the one who forms a child in its mother’s womb. It is a very purposeful thing:
God Closed Wombs:
*Genesis 20:18- “for the Lord had closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife.” (She lied about not being his wife, and almost caused Abimelech to sin.)
*Genesis 30:2- “And Jacob’s anger was aroused against Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’”
*1 Samuel 1:5- “But to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, although the Lord had closed her womb.”
*1 Samuel 1:6- “And her rival also provoked her severely, to make her miserable, because the Lord had closed her womb.”
God Opened Wombs:
*Genesis 29:31- “When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren.”
*Genesis 30:22- “Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb.” (After she had witnessed her husband father 11 other babies with other women.)
Formed in the Womb by God:
*Psalm 139:13- “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.”
*Isaiah 44:2- “Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you.”
*Isaiah 44:24- “Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, And He who formed you from the womb: “ I am the Lord, who makes all things, Who stretches out the heavens all alone, Who spreads abroad the earth by Myself;”
*Isaiah 49:5- “And now the Lord says, Who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant, To bring Jacob back to Him, So that Israel is gathered to Him (For I shall be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, And My God shall be My strength)”
*Isaiah 66:9- “Shall I bring to the time of birth, and not cause delivery?” says the Lord. “Shall I who cause delivery shut up the womb?” says your God.”
*Jeremiah 1:5- “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

I believe, wholeheartedly, that barrenness/ child-Loss in not a blessing. In fact, it is quite the opposite (often used as a curse, punishment, or burden):
*Hosea’s request for Israel: “No birth, no pregnancy, and no conception! Give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts! (Hosea 9:14)
*God’s threat to Jerusalem: “ I will take away the children you hold dear.” (Jeremiah 15:7)
*Threat of God: “Wild animals will attack you and rob you of your children.” (Ezekiel 5:17)
*Israel’s Punishment: “Even if you do have children who grow up, I will take them from you.” (Hosea 9:12)
*Samuel says to Agag, “As your sword has killed the sons of many mothers, now your mother will be childless.” (1 Samuel 15:33)
*A curse against Judah and Jerusalem: “Let their wives become childless widows.” (Jeremiah 18:21)
*Proverbs 30:15-16 says, “There are three things that are never satisfied- no, four that never say, “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.”

There were several women (6 that I know of) in the Bible who experienced infertility/barrenness:
*Sarah (Genesis 11:30, Genesis 12:1-3, Genesis 15, Genesis 21:1, Genesis 24:1)
*Rebekah (Genesis 25:21)
*Rachel (Genesis 29:31, Genesis 30:22)
*Samson’s mother (un-named) (Judges 13:2-3, 24)
*Hannah (1 Samuel 1:2, 20)
*Elisabeth (Luke 1:13,18, 57)

God doesn’t say exactly why He allowed each woman to remain barren, but I do know that through it, His glory was shown. I believe that Sarah and Elisabeth were examples of God’s ability to perform miraculously in the “impossible” situations. I don’t know why Rebekah & Hannah had to go through it for so long, but I do know that God chose to work through prayer in both of their situations. I believe that Rachel was allowed to be barren because she had the love of her husband, while God opened Leah’s womb because she was unloved by her husband. I believe that it could be said of all 6 women that God purposed the specific timing of their children in order to further His plan for all of history. Samson, for example, needed to be born at that particular time in history in order to defeat the Philistines.

Never does it say, though, that their barrenness was a gift from God. Instead, in every single one of their cases, God answered their prayers, taking away their barrenness, and bringing them the gifts they were seeking (even if they had long given up on them).

In fact, repeatedly, the Bible says that children are a blessing from Him:
*Genesis 49:25- May the God of your father help you; May the Almighty bless you with the blessings of the heavens above, and blessings of the watery depths below, and blessings of the breasts and womb.
*Psalm 127:3-5- “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them.”
*Genesis 1:22- “Then God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.”

Only one place in the entire Bible have I found a verse that says anything remotely close to barrenness being a blessing. This is the very first verse I mentioned and the purpose of this blog. For I believe this is completely taken out of context by those who use it in this way:
Luke 23:26-31 says, “As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' Then they will say to the mountains, "Fall on us!"and to the hills, "Cover us!" For if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

I believe that what Jesus was trying to say here is that the women shouldn’t weep for him as He was being crucified, but they should weep for themselves because of the coming destruction of the world. He essentially said, “There will come a time when people will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, those who never had kids,” because things will be so bad! I liken this to Paul saying that it would be better for you to stay unmarried. Paul said this at a time that the Christians were being slaughtered by Emperor Nero. He was crucifying them, feeding them to lions, and burning them at the stakes. I believe that Paul was emphasizing singleness because imagine the added torture you would feel if you had to care for a spouse or kids during a time of persecution. Would you be able to stay strong in your faith if you had to witness your spouse killed before your eyes? Would you be able to do what you need to do if you had to also worry about the safety of your children? Therefore, I believe that Jesus was using this phrase in the same way. He said, “There will come a time when you will say that the barren woman is blessed because she never had kids. For at this time, people will be asking the earth to cave in on them and take their lives. Imagine, if they are doing this to me now when things are good (the grass is green), what will they do when things are bad (it is dry)?”

Having said all of that, though, I do believe that God is a great and merciful God. I serve a God that says that the first shall be last and the last shall be first in the Kingdom of Heaven. He welcomes the downtrodden and broken-hearted. He raises the humble and humbles the proud. He says that we need to lose our life to gain it and holding onto it will only cause us to lose it. He, basically, turns our entire world, our way of thinking, upside-down. I do believe that He blesses us in our suffering. Job, who was inflicted more than anyone you could probably imagine, was still covered by God’s grace when God prohibited Satan from taking Job’s life. And after all of the ailments and heartaches that Job faced, God blessed him in abundance- 10 fold! I believe our trials are a refining fire for us. They get rid of the pieces of our lives that don’t resemble God and strengthen us. Peter told the Christians who were suffering persecution that everything they were going through was a part of God’s grace for them (1 Peter 5:12). I didn’t understand how their suffering was God’s grace until I understood that the true meaning of that phrase was that the grace came in the form of the spiritual place they came to as a result of their suffering. Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3-10) I don’t think that Jesus meant the mourning and persecution were blessing in and of themselves. Instead, the blessings were the things that they encountered because they went through those ordeals.

Yes, I do believe that God blesses those who are barren. In the past year, God has taught me so much about Him and His character. I have been blessed in countless ways! And I know that God is using my infertility to strengthen me as a future mom, as a wife, and as a Christian. But, I do not believe that my barrenness itself is a blessing. I do not believe it is in line with the way God intended things to be. And I don’t think people should hold onto a lie just because it sounds nice. Instead, I think we need to hold onto the truth that God is good because of, despite of, and through our circumstances regardless of how awful they are. In His awesomeness, He chooses to pour out mercy on us. And, it is only because of Him, that I am blessed.

From Melanie

2008-11-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

I received this from Melanie. Thanks so much. I always enjoy talking to you, and wish you the best in everything.

Here's the rules:
Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Red
4. Your mother? Friend
5. Your father? Distant
6. Your favorite thing? Husband
7. Your dream last night? Forgotten
8. Your dream/goal? Children
9. The room you’re in? Office
10. Your hobby? Crafts
11. Your fear? Barrenness
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Party
14. What you’re not? Negative
15. One of your wish list items? I-Pod
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Type
18. What are you wearing? Black
19. Your T.V.? Plasma
20. Your pet? None
21. Your computer? Pink
22. Your mood? Indifferent
23. Missing someone? No
24. Your car? Explorer
25. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Michael’s
27. Your Summer? Bleh
28. Love someone? Absolutely
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier
31. Last time you cried? Saturday

Now, my seven folks:
1)Kacy
2)Nene
3)Abe
4)Courtney
5)J
6)Steph
7)Becky

Operation Baby-Making

2008-11-17T14:50:00.000-08:00

FSH Blood Test Results: Excellent

Prescription for Clomid: Sent in by doctor to be picked up after work today and started tomorrow, 1 a day for 5 days

Baby-Making: Strict instructions to partake in intercourse every other day for at least 10 days, following the Clomid... "Well, if you insist... :-) "

Follow Up: Check back in with doctor on first day of next cycle to get prescription refill or come back on cycle day 35 for a pregnancy test

All systems are go for Operation Baby-Making in 10, 9, 8, 7...

One More

2008-11-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

My chart almost tricked me. After I posted my last blog saying that my temperature had plummeted along with my hope for a baby this month, my temperature decided to rise back up the following day. I held on to those tiny dreams that perhaps the drop of temperature was really an implantation dip. And when I experienced some bleeding, I wondered if it were perhaps implantation bleeding. I had experienced some twinges and fluttery feelings in my stomach, and my skin had broken out which it rarely does. I knew my chances were slim, but one can always hope, right? I mean, after all, everyone had "good feelings" about this month and I had been prayed for by a number of women at my church, along with a few really good friends who pray for me regularly. Maybe this were the month that God chose to bring forth a miracle, and our limited sexual activity around ovulation would only further prove that God had brought it all about, despite our best/worst efforts. This slight hope, though, wasn't enough to out-weigh my realistic expectation that this month probably was no different than any previous month.

When my temperature went down again and the bleeding continued, I knew it was time to just accept the inevitable. So, I called my doc to schedule my FSH blood test for cycle day 3. It turns out that the OB-GYN's portion of the office is only open Mon-Fri (even though the fertility clinic side of it is open 7 days a week). So, the only way they could do my blood test on cycle day 3 (which happened to be Sunday) would be to call it in as an emergency. Therefore, my doctor said that since I had started my period so late in the day on Friday, that I was fine to come in first thing Monday morning (cycle day 4) and have my blood drawn then instead.

So that's what I did this morning. The next step is just to wait for the results of my blood test, and, pending a normal result, we will receive our official diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" and move on to my first round of Clomid. I don't know if it'll be too late to start this month, which almost makes me feel like this is a wasted cycyle. But I suppose that if nothing REALLY is wrong with us, then perhaps I just haven't hit the lucky 20% who conceive naturally each month. And, if that's the case, then there's always the chance that we could just as well get pregnant this month without any medical intervention.

Meanwhile, here we are: one more cycle, one more month, one more shot in my arm, all looking to gain one more member in our family.

Aside from the medical side of not being pregnant this month, emotionally I felt all over the place. I've been in a place for a while of simply accepting that I am not pregnant. I don't get my hopes up quite so high anymore, and the fall to reality doesn't seem so far anymore either. I don't cry immediately anymore or as long as I used to (which says a lot for me with my over-productive tear-ducts!). That numbness is difficult for me to deal with, though. My heart still wants a baby more than anything, and yet I have to guard it from being wounded so often. Having said that, I think that numbness often points the way to resentment and hurt. For as soon as I started cognitively thinking about how I felt, despite the lack of tears or obvious emotion, I discovered that a barage of angry thoughts come out. I found myself thinking that I'm here facing one more month of barrenness, while those who began trying to conceive the same month I did are taking their holiday pictures with their little babies in their arms. I found myself thinking that last November, I hoped so much to be able to discover I was pregnant at the same time I celebrated my birthday. And, with my mom's birthday being just 3 days after mine, I wanted so much to surprise her with the news of her first grandchild as well. I thought about how great it would be to tell everyone on Thanksgiving that I was thankful for the answer to prayer that I now held within me. And when November transitioned to December, I dreamed of ways that I could reveal the news of my pregnancy in the Christmas spirit. By the time January 1st came around, all I could do is hold onto the notion that I for sure had to at least be pregnant during the upcoming year. I was certain that my next holiday pictures would be taken with either a bulging belly or a newborn baby in my arms. I NEVER expected to be here this month in the same place I was last year: approaching my next birthday still not pregnant; my mom still not a grandma; thankful for many other things, but not able to yet share that particular praise... I suppose Christmas is still a possibility, but as the New Year approaches, the certainty I once had now is a hesitant and fearful question, "Is it possible that I may go through a whole other year and STILL not be pregnant?!?!"

As I laid in bed and talked with Jesse Saturday night, I discovered how heavy the burden of infertility was resting on my shoulders- that I had so many intense feelings about it. I hadn't realized how much of my life focused on our infertility. Well, I guess I did, but I didn't see it as a bad thing. Instead, I thought that it should be the center of our attention, since that's our primary goal right now. I couldn't help but be consumed by the stories of others I find in their blogs, by the doctor's appointments I have each month, by my never-ceasing desire to be a mother. When Jesse picks me up from work each day, most of what I share is what I have read about others' infertility that day. I thought of it as sharing what God was teaching me, or offering further hope or understanding into the situation, not realizing that I was neglecting to share about many other aspects of my day. I told Jesse that I don't ever want my desire to be a mom keep me from being the wife I ought to be now. And, I spent so much time thinking that here I was overwhelmed by our childlessness while Jesse seemed unmoved! I thought that he seemed uninvolved in making plans towards our future with treatments or in discussing ideas about our future children. I had no idea how it was affecting him. As he explained, I realized that his silence about the issue is due to his difficulty in dealing with it. He doesn't want to talk about it- not because he doesn't care, but but because he cares so much that it hurts. Talking about it just brings him down. So, his solution is to not think about it- not talk about it. We had just finished watching a movie in which the very last scene is of a dad picking up his son from his mom's house for a visitation as they go to spend the evening together. They run off into the park across the street, kicking a ball back and forth as the dad picks up his son over his shoulder and spins him around. And the credits roll as you hear them laughing and playing around. Jesse said that as he watched this scene, he couldn't help but think of how much he wants a son. As he went on to describe his desire to play ball with his son and wrestle around with him, tears welled up in his eyes. I tried to tell Jesse how much it means to me for him to express his emotions about it all. But as he explained that he doesn't like to because it just makes him feel bad, I realized that the truth is, knowing that Jesse is on the same page as me is good enough. I don't need him to cry all of the time about it. And I definitely don't want him to dwell more on the issue of infertility if it means having a depressed husband! Me asking that of him is not looking out for his best interest. And, in truth, I don't want infertility to rule my life anymore either. Of course I can't help but thinking about it regularly. Of course I will continue to post my feelings as I go through this journey. Of course I will continue to try medical interventions to reach our dreams and I will continue to make plans for our future kids, anticipating that God WILL bring them to us. But there's no reason that it needs to bring me down so much and no reason it needs to dominate my conversations, and I never want it to come between me and my husband. The journey that we have been through so far has brought us closer to each other as we seek God together. But so easily it could tear us apart, opening the doors for resentment and hurt to root up. I don't want to allow that to happen, especially because of my obsession with it. I want so badly to make my husband a father, but in the meanwhile, I want to celebrate the two of us as man and wife.

So, as I begin this new cycle, I'm going into it with a renewed outlook. I know that Jesse and I are on the same page as far as our desires to have children go. And I don't want him to express it in the same way that I do. I also don't want my desires to keep me from appreciating what I have right in front of me. Despite the hurt and accompanying questions that arise with each new cycle, I still believe that God is up to something. Many people are going into this holiday season with dread. Oh, how my heart empathizes with them! And I don't blame a single one of them for feeling so defeated. But, I don't want to miss out on the joy that's all around me. As Thanksgiving comes up next week, I can be thankful that God loves me so much that He's willing to let me go through something so difficult to bring me to something so much greater. As Christmas quickly approaches, I can rejoice that the God who brought forth a Savior in a virgin 2,000 years ago dwells within me and performs miracles even today. And, as 2008 rolls over into 2009, the truth is that I have no idea what God has in store for me! 365 days is a lot of time to get a lot done. And no matter what happens, with God as the author of my story, I know that it's gotta be great!

So, one more cycle, one more month, and one more shot in the arm really add up to countless lessons in trusting in the One more powerful than I am.

Not This Month...

2008-11-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

This morning my temperature dropped. For those who are not so in-tune with the functionings of their reproductive systems, and therefore are not sure why I even mention my temperature while trying to conceive, it signifies this:

I'm not pregnant and I'm due to start my next cycle today or tomorrow. It all has to do with your progesterone levels and reproductive mumbo-jumbo...

But, while the news is not thrilling in the least bit, I'm glad to have those subtle cues to let me down rather than wondering and wondering if I'm going to be late only to be left with sinking disappointment when my period surprises me.

And, discovering this cue today has not discouraged me in my anticipation of God's movement. Continuing my much more free-flowing, God-written script, I will simply wait for my period to actually come and then schedule my next blood test for 2 days after that. This means, we can anticipate my test being most likely Friday or Saturday. I'm just ready to get to the next part of the process, which is most likely Clomid. I never thought before that I would ever have to take this drug, and knowing some of the common side effects makes me a little less eager to take it. However, for many people, it was just the boost they needed. I just have to keep on believing that God brought us to this place that we are now, and will lead us to the right doctors and medications. This verse was brought to my attention multiple times yesterday and I think it's fitting for today:

Just as you cannot understand how breath comes to a tiny baby in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. (Ecclesiastes 11:5)

My Script was Stepped On

2008-11-11T09:55:00.001-08:00

I heard a man speak recently in a seminar. As a passing point, he briefly discussed the reason so many people are so quick to react to situations that don’t go their way. For instance, take the guy driving down the road, going well over the speed limit. He comes up behind you quickly, and even though you are going about 5 miles over the speed limit (enough to speed but not enough to get pulled over), it is not fast enough for him. He tails you until you finally get out of his way, but in passing you, he gently reminds you with his middle finger that he hates your guts. Why would such a person act that way?! He may have had a bad day so far. He may be an overall hateful person. But I think at the very root of his anger stems one idea:

He had a script and you stepped on it. Let me explain.

I think that even the most laid-back person still sets for a plan for himself. The number of pages he writes out ahead of time could be anything from “I will wake up in the morning whenever I wish, and then do whatever I want throughout the day” to “After awaking at 6:35am, I will eat my breakfast and read my newspaper before walking out the door at 7:15. I will stop at exactly 3 red light before arriving at my work at 7:30…” Each of these agendas make up his script. And anger (or any kind of upset feeling) arises when this script is stepped on. For instance, after deciding that he wants to do whatever he wants all day long, suppose someone calls him up and asks for a favor. Now, despite the fact that he had nothing in particular to do, being asked (feeling obligated) to now complete this task for another ruins his plans for the day. Or, for another instance, take the script spelled out to the letter. What if there ends up being an accident on the road that delays the trip? Despite the fact that it was uncontrollable, the inconvenience sets the guy on edge because it ruins his plan.

You may think these scenarios seem over-simplified, but when I heard this speaker suggest such an idea, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I realized that often the moments that I get irrationally irritated at someone boils down to the simple fact that they stepped on my script. My brain never stops working. Every moment of my waking hours, and much of my sleep-time, I spend over-analyzing every detail of every scenario. But when I come to a conclusion after all of my deliberation, it’s difficult for me to face the prospect of someone throwing my whole plan up in the air. I realized that there are those moments when the day just isn’t going the way I wanted it to and I feel this intense rage boiling up within me and I can’t really put my finger on why exactly. But it makes sense when I realize that often the source of it all is a stepped-on script. That’s why I can be on the verge of tears just because Jesse suggests a plan for the day that was different than what I had in mind. That’s why, when I described my argument with him over future adoption plans, I was so upset by his inability to discuss such a matter with me. I needed his help to write my script and he was rejecting the script all together! I need my script. I hold on to it very tightly, and it’s difficult for me to edit it and, especially, to let go of it.

Now that I think of it, for the past 5 years, God has been trying to get me to surrender all of my scripts. When I graduated high school and set out on my own, I had grand plans of finding love in my freshman year of college, getting married before I graduated, and being a psychology professor after getting my doctorate degree, while raising our beautiful children. God not only stepped on my script. He then laughed at it and tore it into pieces. I want to stress that I don’t believe God did any such thing in spite. I believe that it was His unfailing love for me that knew His script was better than mine. So, He humbled me to the point where I could exchange my script for His. He made me wait until I was in my sophomore year of college before I even began dating my future husband. He allowed us to go through an awful breakup that lasted almost as long as the amount of time we’ve been married to-date. He completely shook up my plans for school, and by the time I graduated, I knew I was supposed to maintain my degree in psychology, but am STILL left wondering how it’ll all pan out. In fact, I’ve considered going back to school and starting all over again in another field. And when we set out to have kids… well, you should know where that one led us.

But the hard part about God’s script is often that you can’t see past the line you are on right now. So, here I am, not sure about where I’m supposed to go next. I had it all written out:

“Probably not pregnant this month, so one more blood test that I’m sure will come back just fine. A teeny, tiny cyst that will no longer exist by the time I go in for my next ultrasound. Several rounds of Clomid that would either give me the child I long for (maybe even 2!) or by the time I reach Spring time, Jesse and I would be seeing the fertility specialist and receiving IUI’s, sure to work because there’s nothing else wrong with us!”

But, as I did some research on explained infertility yesterday, I began to settle on the idea that this diagnosis isn’t as reassuring as I once thought. I had previously thought that this diagnosis simply revealed that there REALLY was nothing wrong with us and that God just wanted us to wait for kids. But much of what I read suggested otherwise, saying that there most likely is something that is at the root of it all, and often it’s not easy to find. I struggle with this notion. It means that after my script is complete, I will find myself on the pages of another script- that I may be starting out on a whole new plot line- not having yet reached the grand finale that I hoped for. Last night I was reading the advice 2 fellow infertile girls gave me regarding the next part of my script. They agreed together that I should skip the Clomid with Dr. York and jump right over to the Reproductive Endocrinologist, who is better educated and can do more to help me on my way. One even said that she had ignored such advice from someone else and it is the only thing she regrets in the process she’s been through. They both also mentioned the fact that they underwent numerous IUI’s before having laparoscopic surgery. To me, it seems so backwards because their IUI’s may not have failed if they had done the laparoscopic surgery first. But they explained that often the doctor wants to try the IUI first just to see if it’ll work before doing a riskier surgery. I so much appreciate their advice, and I think it’s important to mention that each girl stressed the importance of seeking God regardless of which way I go. But the whole suggestion made me question my entire script. All of the sudden, I wondered what might happen if the Clomid doesn’t help me. Would I have just wasted 6 more months that didn’t need to be wasted? But if nothing else is wrong (or severely wrong) then what if the Clomid is exactly what I need to boost my chances of conceiving? I have a few former co-workers who got pregnant by taking Clomid by itself, both within a short amount of time. And I REALLY don’t want to undergo multiple IUI’s only to find out that they were pointless because there was an underlying problem that wasn’t even addressed until after the procedures failed. I have such high hopes of this procedure working for us (if we get to that point), and the emotional roller coaster that goes with such a procedure may be really hard for me to cope with. And, I had felt so certain that chances of having a baby by my 25th birthday (next November) were so high. But all of this gave me doubt, adding in the possibility that something deeper than we’ve discovered thus far would hinder us from reaching our dreams. I read their stories everyday online of those who are still struggling through infertility 2-5 years, even 10 years later. And while their stories give me hope, through the faith they express despite their circumstances, and while my heart goes out to them in love empathizing with their despair, I don’t want to be one of those people.

I believe that God can take the most impossible reproductive problems and still create a baby from them. He could take a man with dead sperm and a woman who doesn’t ovulate and create life from their nothingness. He did it in the Bible… twice (at least!). I’ve often believed that no matter what health problems Jesse and I may have (even factors like obesity which could lower our chances of conceiving), God could create a baby despite of it. (I’ve seen a lot of fat girls get pregnant.) I’ve seen a lot of women who are old or who don’t ovulate regularly or who have endometriosis, etc., still all conceive. One of my best friends was told from a young age that she would never have children. She had laparoscopic surgery, revealing endometriosis and was still told, after having it all removed, that she’d never be able to maintain a pregnancy… all before she was even 16 years old. Today, at 21 years old, she holds her 7-month-old daughter in her arms. I even read today as Abe announced his wife’s pregnancy after endometriosis, poor sperm quality, and 2 rounds of in-vitro fertilization. Praise God! He’s not alone. J waited a year and a half for his miracle. And despite his poor semen analysis, God created a child, now 2 weeks old, without any assisted reproductive therapies.

And yet, knowing that God has the ability to knit a baby together in my womb regardless of anything else that is wrong doesn’t mean that He may not choose to work through a doctor and correct anything wrong before giving us that special gift. The whole thing is unsettling, as I think of how much longer I may have to endure childlessness, how many more tests or procedures I may have to go through. And I’ve felt so certain lately that God was speaking to me to get ready for Him to give me my miracle, telling me to anticipate a move of God soon. I sat in the middle of a circle of mighty women of God who laid hands on every part of my body and prayed boldly for God to intervene and give us a child. My doctor said that she felt optimistic that we’d be pregnant soon, and even added that she had a good feeling about this month. My best friend told me that same day that she had a good feeling too and that I had been on her mind and in her prayers a LOT lately. While “good feelings” don’t mean anything in the physical realm of things, each could be a whisper of encouragement from God to my heart. All of these things were in the last 3 weeks, all in this same cycle. And I will find out in only a matter of days if God really did move this month despite the odds against us. But even if it’s not this month, I have such an eagerness about it being soon. I don’t want all of these new factors to discourage me in my excitement for God’s plan. I think that, instead, I just have to remember that my script remains best written in God’s hands. So, for now, I think that I will just first see if I’m pregnant this month. From there, I will take the one final blood test and see how that goes. If my doctor wants to put me on Clomid after that, I’m not really opposed to trying it for a few cycles (as long as the side effects are worth it). And, in the process, we’ll see how long we want to continue that before jumping over to the fertility specialist. With prayer throughout the entire process, I have to trust that God will lead us to the right places and the right treatments at the right time. My optimism is mixed with some realistic oppositions, but I know that, ultimately, where God takes me will be for my best. He’s led us this far, hasn’t He?

I found this picture online (not of me) and thought it was a beautiful depiction of the leap of faith that I am choosing to take. Just as this little girl jumps into the man's arms, so I jump into the arms of my Heavenly Father.

Two Peas in a Pod... Maybe?

2008-11-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

“Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant... When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb.” (Genesis 25:21,24)

Ever since my doctor mentioned putting me on Comid, it has gotten me thinking about the possibility of conceiving twins. I have wanted twins ever since I was a little girl. Back in the day, I wanted just 2 kids, but I wanted them to be twins more than anything else. I just think the idea of it is so cool- such a rarity and phenomenon. I’ve always held on to the hope that my chances of having twins were pretty good considering that my dad is a twin himself and that my mom has brothers who are fraternal twins. And, when I began to struggle through the journey of infertility, I secretly wondered if when God answered my prayers, He would answer them in abundance. Anyone who knows me, I hope knows that my heart truly just wants a baby. And I would be overjoyed with simply having one. However, I think twins would be an extra special little gift.

But when my doctor said that if I wasn’t pregnant this month, she was probably going to prescribe Clomid for me, I began to dig a little deeper into the statistical chances of me REALLY having twins! Here’s what I’ve found out:

In just the general population, there is a 3% chance of having twins, or 3 in every 100 babies are twins.

Factors that I already have which do increase my chances of twins are:
*Your mother or grandmother having or being fraternal twins. It indicates that they may release more than one egg in ovulation and that you may inherit such a gene. My grandma had fraternal twins, so this does increase my chances.
*Having a Body Mass Index of 30 or higher gives you a significantly higher chance of twins. Sad to admit, but I do fall into this category as well.

Then when you add in fertility treatments:
*Fertility enhancing treatments, specifically drugs that stimulate ovulation can increase your chances to be as high as 1 in 38. Others estimate that using the drug Clomid increases your chances to 1 in 5 (about 20%).
*By itself, most sources say that Clomid causes twin pregnancies about 10% of the time. (Triplet & quadruplet pregnancies occur less than 1% of the time.)
*Some practitioners actually prescribe Clomid to help someone get pregnant with twins even if they do not suffer from infertility. It’s hard to find such a doctor, but they do exist.

Combined Factors:
*I found one woman who said that because of having twins on both sides of her family and the slight increased chance Clomid gives, her doctor gave her a 50% chance of having twins!
*Women who take Clomid when they do not have trouble ovulating have an increased risk of getting pregnant with twins.
*Women who are younger than 25 have an increased chance of having twins.

So, if the woman who had only 2 of those factors was given a 50% chance of having twins, what about me? I have FIVE factors!
*A family history of twins
*A high BMI
*Fertility drugs (possibly)
*Being under 25 years old
*And already ovulating on my own

I tried to find anything that might give me a percentage number, but couldn’t get any results. Perhaps when my doctor does prescribe it, she will give me some indication of the likelihood that I may have twins.

P.S. While I would be stoked beyond all get out about having twins, Jesse is fairly frightened. Oh well! He’ll adjust! :-)

And, while I’m speaking of Clomid, I did find out that 95% of pregnancies that occur with Clomid, occur within 6 months. So, if you don’t get pregnant within 6 months of bring on the drug, the drug by itself probably isn’t going to help you. This makes sense as to why Dr. York said she would refer us to the Reproductive Endocrinologist after 6 months, who would combine the Clomid with artificial insemination.

The only downside to it all is that Clomid has some nasty side effects, including mood swings, hot flashes, and headaches (which I hear happen most often). It can also cause hostile cervical mucous which counteracts pregnancy by killing sperm, and it also things the uterine lining which prevents implantation or causes early miscarriages. These two things happen in 30% of women who take them. My biggest fear is taking a drug that makes things worse for me considering that I already do ovulate. Most women who take this drug, don’t ovulate on their own, which means it is impossible for them to get pregnant. Therefore, even the nasty side effects are worth it because it gives them their only chance of conceiving. Since my story is different, it’s something I’ll really have to consider. Having said that, some women don’t experience any side effects (just like any medication one could take), and I think it’s worth giving it a shot, considering I could always stop taking it if I needed to.

So, as long as there’s no underlying factor that we have yet to find, I have a REALLY high chance of getting pregnant within the next 6 months, due to this being my 2nd year of trying to conceive and the possible fertility treatments. I don’t want to get ahead of God in any way, but I can’t help but feeling excited since I believe that He’s been telling me to get ready for Him to move.

In anticipation, I have bought several picture frames. Nearly a year ago, I made one for my future son with his name on it. I decided to go ahead and make 3 more with the other names we have picked out. I know that I may not have that many kids or those specific genders, but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared. I also bought a bigger frame to put in the future nursery. I want it to have a quote or something on it which depicts the anticipation of our future baby.

I’ll try to post pictures when they are done. :-)

New News is Good News

2008-11-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

So, I feel much better about everything now that we have gone to our appointment. I suppose that the tug-o-war is over. Sorry if that comes across as a flaky battle, pouring out my struggle one minute and declaring it over with the next, but really it's been going on all week. Today's appointment kinda brought some things around added to the fact that Jesse and I aren't mad at each other anymore, and I'm not worried about all of those issues because we'll just face them if we ever come to them.

So here's how things went:

I had my ultrasound today. For the sake of informing those who don't know the process, I want to explain what all I had to do. If you don't want to hear about it, look away now.

Ok. So, I was instructed to go to the bathroom, emptying my bladder, an hour before my appointment. Then I had to drink 24-32 oz of luke-warm water in a total of 15 minutes. This was difficult for me because I'm not a big fan of H2O to begin with. And, normally, anything I drink I slowly sip on all day. A 20 oz soda will last me 6+ hours. So, this was a lot of fluid to drink in such a short amount of time. Then I was not allowed to go to the bathroom until my ultrasound was over, meaning I had to hold it for another 30-45 minutes.

When they called me back to the office, I just had to lay on the table like normal and pull my pants down just below my hips. They squirted the gel on my belly and told me it would be warm. Warm?! I expected cold. The truth was it was almost burning! Not super painful. Just WAY warmer than I expected.

Then they put the thing on and pushed around to see, just like what you know about ultrasounds. It was cool because I had a flatscreen looking tv on the wall in front of me which allowed me to see everything the technician was seeing. She pointed out everything along the way, describing what she was seeing. I have never done anything remotely close to this, so I enjoyed it.

When she was done with that, she allowed me to go to the bathroom and then I had to strip from the waist down and cover myself with the paper blanket again. Then she used this probe thing to do a vaginal ultrasound. There were moments of discomfort since not everything was easy to see. But overall, not too bad. And this showed all of the same things just from different angles. Finally, I was allowed to get dressed and told to go back to the waiting room to wait to talk to Dr. York.

If you looked away before, you can look back now. :-)

After a REALLY long wait, we finally were called back to the dr's office again and then Dr. York came in. She said that my ultrasound looked pretty good and that my previous blood tests and Jesse's semen analysis all looked good. When she realized this was the first time we'd heard of Jesse's results, she stopped to explain them more thoroughly.

For a good sperm count, they look for a number over 20 million. Jesse had 126 million! This is actually twice what the average sperm count is here in the Western world, according to Wikipedia. Then they look at the morphology, making sure that everything is shaped right. They look for anything up 14%. This seemed low, but they said that's really normal. Jesse's was 15%. So still good. Finally, they look at the motility of the sperm, making sure that it moves around right. A number anywhere over 50-60% is good. Jesse's was 75% good. Therefore, the way I see it, if only 15% of his 126 million sperm are good, he still has over the minimum 20 million that is considered okay. And every single one of those would be good while the minimum person would have only 14% good. That's all great! Just knowing this solved a LOT of our questions!

From there, she said that my blood tests were all normal and showed me all of the numbers behind it. I can't remember them. One was .55 and one was 16, but it didn't matter how high or low they were. It only mattered that they were in the right range, which both of mine were.

She said my ultrasound looked overall really good. She said my uterus and ovaries are normal shape and have good folicles. She said they can tell that I last ovulated from my left ovary and everything looks good there. She said there's one eensy teeny tiny little thing that causes a little bit of concern. Right now, it's such a minimal thing that she REALLY didn't want to worry about it too much. In fact, it took her a long time to even find the right picture to show me what it was. She explained that I have a really little cyst-looking thing, filled with blood, in my right ovary. Right now it's less than a centimeter big. She even pulled out a measuring tape to show me just how tiny that really is. She said that it could be left over from the last time I ovulated or it could be a little sign of endometriosis. The only way to detect endometriosis, though, is through surgery. And she said that surgery is usually not done on endometriosis unless a cyst is over 6 centimeters big. So she said there was no way she wanted to do surgery on me just to see if one tiny little thing might be a glimpse of endometriosis. She said, instead, that she would like to have me do another ultrasound in 6 weeks to check on it's progress. If it is gone then everything is great and most likely it was just left over from my last cycle. If it is the same size, then we can look a little more deeply and see what it might be. And if it's bigger, then we definitely need to determine what it might be and what to do with it. That all depends on how much bigger it grows, too, though.

Other than that, she said that if I start my period again, she wants me to call their office and set up one final blood test. It's FSH, a follicle stimulating hormone, from my brain telling my body to ovulate. This would be done on the 3rd day of my next cycle. If I don't start my period again, then by cycle day 35 (even though I've never had a cycle longer than 27 days) they will do a pregnancy test for me.

If I do start my period again and test my FSH and it comes back normal, then the final diagnosis is simply "unexplained infertility" since all of our test results are great. From there, Dr. York would most likely start me on Clomid, a drug to induce ovulation. I already do ovulate, but I guess this is supposed to make my ovulation stronger. She said that because we are really young and have a lot of good eggs, she'd probably have me go through 3-6 cycles (or months) of Clomid. By then, if I'm still not pregnant, she'd probably refer me over to Dr. Austin, the reproductive endocrinologist, since that's about all she can do with us. She said he would probably keep me on Clomid and do an intrauterine insemination.

Having said all of that, though, she said that she is REALLY optimistic that this might be the month for us. She can't really tell that from any particular thing (even from the ultrasound because it's too soon). But she said that she has a feeling about it and sees it all of the time with people that come to her about infertility. I hope she's right, but the chances are slim because Jesse and I had to abstain the 2 days before his semen analysis. I did ovulate on Saturday (the same day of his test) and we were able to have sex then (after his test) but that means that not only was it not the best sperm quality but also that there was no intercourse the previous days during my most fertile time. Knowing that sperm live for up to a week, possibly, I suppose there could be a chance of conception from the Wednesday before I ovulated. However, if I get pregnant this month, it's really only because of God, since my chances are pretty low. But since my last cycle, the women of my church have prayed over me and I do feel that God has been speaking to me to anticipate what He is about to do. Therefore, it very well could be a fulfillment of God's promise, an answer to our prayer.

Either way, I still feel better about everything, feeling that we have a bit of direction about the steps in which we are about to take. I'm glad that Dr. York feels so optimistic about our case and I'm still excited to see what God is about to do.

Tug-O-War

2008-11-04T15:56:00.001-08:00

I’ve been really struggling to write these past few days because I feel this intense tug-o-war within me. I feel it deep within my heart. A battle between anticipation and anxiety, each gaining or losing ground depending on which team I choose to be a part of. As I sit here at my computer, I’m not even sure where to begin to explain this battle, for it’s come about by a onslaught of sources. To be honest, I feel like I’m PMSing although I’m not anywhere close to that point in my cycle. I feel like my emotions are a mess. My anticipation has dwindled down to hope. But even more of a struggle, my anxiety has been turning into anger and sadness stewing within me, constantly on the brink of boiling over. But I want so badly to not express it. I don’t want to be that person.

I don’t want to get on here and spew a whole list of complaints. I want to share the joy that God has given me despite my struggles. I want to praise Him even in the heartache of infertility. And yet, I’m fighting every step of the way to maintain that attitude.

I noticed it beginning on Tuesday. Jesse called the doctor’s office to ask about the results of his semen analysis. I knew that I had gotten the results of all of my blood tests 3 days after taking them. I also knew that Jesse had taken his test Saturday morning and that the dr.’s office is open 7 days a week, making this the 3rd day. I also knew that they had to test the semen immediately (within 30 minutes of the sample) so I didn’t see what would make it take very long. I would’ve called myself, but since it was his test, I wasn’t sure that they’d even tell me over the phone. So, Jesse agreed to give them a call during his lunch break after I sent him a text message this morning and requested it.

Around noon, I began to get really anxious about the results. With all of my blood tests, I was most certain that the results would come back as normal. I would’ve been shocked at anything else. But there’s been this lingering question of Jesse’s sperm quality since his father was diagnosed with such a problem. I found myself feeling quite anxious awaiting Jesse’s call to the dr.’s office about the results. When Jesse hadn’t called by 12:30, I began fearing the worst, wondering if he was too distraught by the results to call me, not wanting to have to face me with them. And after sending 3 unanswered text messages, I finally called only to find out that he had just gone on break and hadn’t called yet. So, I gave him another half hour before the fear arose again and I called again. He said that the dr.’s office said that the results weren’t in yet and he should know by maybe Friday or next week!!! AAAGGHH! I looked it up online and found that most semen analysis results are told within a few days, some even as early as that day or the one following the initial test. Why in the world are they making us wait a week?

I think the reason it got me all uptight was because this was the most unanswered question we’ve had in this whole process. Jesse’s had this fear looming over his head that our whole trial may somehow be his fault. He’s wondered if he does suffer the same diagnosis his dad did, and we both wonder if we’ll end up on the same path as well. To get the results of this particular test would explain A LOT. A good result would mean that there was nothing to fear and that we could rest assured. A bad result would finally give us an answer as to what the problem might actually be and allow us to address it knowing at least a piece of the path that lay before us. I guess the test results will still get to me within a matter of days. What difference does Thursday make rather than Friday? And regardless of the results, there’s nothing we can or will do THIS week that will change anything. It’s just my nerves all in a knot.

In the midst of these knotted nerves, I have encountered some more new blogs of people going through the same process I am. They are all at various phases along the way. Some have already received their answers to prayers. Some are still praying after years of God’s answer to “Wait.” Some are moving on, acknowledging that God must have some other plan for their life, either through adoption or accepting their status of a “family of 2”. I’m so encouraged by their blogs, each and every one of them. I treasure them, spending the better part of my days waiting for an update from anybody. Their stories give me hope as they persevere in their faith through infertility. They serve as reminders to me that God’s grace is sufficient for me. But they also bring up a lot of other issues that I haven’t quite faced. And, in these issues, I find myself torn between my hope and my fears:

~Years Later

Issue: Many of them have suffered diagnoses that denote a slim chance of ever having biological kids. Some of them are still trying after 2-5 years of trying to conceive.

Fear: These ones leave me wondering if I will suffer the same fate. Now that I am just entering into the realm of diagnoses, I wonder if I may receive the same news they have. Today, as I go into my ultrasound, I’m a little nervous of what they may discover. Will I have a mis-shapen uterus? Will I have cysts? Will my ovaries be the wrong size or out of place? And I’m hoping so much to know the results of Jesse’s test today, but I’m kinda nervous about what it might reveal. Is his sperm count too low? Does he have poor motility or morphology? How bad are our chances of conceiving if these are the results? And, if everything is fine with both of us, I fear even more what the next step is going to be. Are we on the brink of the most invasive procedures? The ones that are painful or accompanied by a regiment of medications? It’s these things that make me wonder why God chose this path for me and why I can’t just conceive like a normal person.

Hope: I still find comfort in their ability to maintain faith after so many years. I know that God brought us to this place. He opened the doors for insurance and doctors and tests, and I need to focus on the blessing it is to discover what might be holding up our conception. At least knowing our diagnosis allows us to address it, whereas we’ve been blindly running around before, not knowing if there was an issue we were unaware of. And, even the worst diagnosis allows us to move on and determine our next step in the process.

~Pregnancy & Children

Issue: Others, as I mentioned, are celebrating the gift of a child brought to them after infertility. Probably the biggest issue faced by those who conceived after infertility is, “Once an infertile, always an infertile?” This is a common saying among those who are labeled as such. The idea is that after you’ve spent years trying to conceive and even undergoing fertility treatments, once you get pregnant you find yourself not knowing where to belong. You feel like you don’t fit in with your infertility friends because you’re now one of “them”. In fact, often you feel guilty revealing the news to your infertile friends that you are pregnant because you know that it breaks their hearts. I know several people who have mentioned ending their blogs about infertility once they receive a child because they don’t want it to end up being a blog about parenting that alienates their infertile friends. You feel like you are almost betraying them. And yet, you don’t feel like you fit in with those who have conceived easily. You’re definitely not one of the “Fertile Myrtles”! In addition to not knowing where you belong, many people who struggle through infertility obsess through their pregnancies, fearing that they may miscarry any step along the way. Even week 39 of pregnancy does not ensure a safe, healthy baby. Their battles to get pregnant leave them fighting to feel secure in their pregnancies.

Fear: I wonder how long it’ll take me to get to this point. How much more will I have to go through to receive this gift? Will I suffer the same agonizing displacement- not knowing where I fit in anymore? Will I fear everything that happens throughout my pregnancy- constantly worrying that I may lose my little baby? I don’t want to live that way!

Hope: I rejoice with these people, praising God that He is just to give blessings after someone struggled. I wrestle with the idea of “Once an infertile, always an infertile.” I don’t want to lose the ministry I have towards my infertile friends. I want to always maintain the soft spot I have in my heart for them. I don’t ever want to forget what I have been through to receive the gift of a child! And yet, once I get pregnant, I don’t want to live in fear of losing that baby. I want to celebrate every bit of it. I want to rest assured in God’s grace.

~ Adoption

Issue: Since I don’t really consider a life without children an option for Jesse and me, adoption would be the next place we go after we exhaust our treatment options. I read two blogs yesterday that got this idea stirred up in my head. The first was an entry from a lady who was venting her frustration with her husband when talking to him about beginning the adoption process after 2+ years of infertility. She said that he was willing to wait to have biological kids while she was wanting to pursue the possibility of adoption. She was hurt by his response and didn’t know how to approach the subject with him anymore. Alongside that, I was reading an entire blogsite about a couple who has dealt with infertility for nearly 5 years and decided to pursue adoption at the beginning of this year after an awful diagnosis. They received their baby 4 months ago and he is absolutely adorable. As I read their accounts, I wondered how long Jesse and I would continue this path before pursuing adoption. I wasn’t asking for an exact timeline for us to adhere to, and I most certainly don’t feel that we’re close to that point yet, but I wanted to see if Jesse had any ideas about when he might consider adoption. I was shocked by his response. He, first of all, struggles with putting a timeline to most things. He just doesn’t think this way and it’s something that I am very aware of, although I don’t understand it in the least bit. He can’t even tell me what time he’ll be home from hanging out with his friends when all I want to know is if it’ll be closer to 30 minutes or 3 hours. The shortened answer I got from him was that he doesn’t ever want to get to that point (probably because it means we’ve exhausted all other treatment options and cannot have kids of our own) and so he is unwilling/unable to even guestimate a possible timeframe. I explained that I don’t want to get to that point either, but I also didn’t want to be where we are now and yet WE’RE HERE! So, stuff happens and I just want to have a plan for it. I also explained that he could tell me he wanted to wait for a year before trying to have kids or can think about a timeframe of how long we’d live in our house before moving or how long he’d stay at his job. So I don’t understand why this issue is any different. What really upset me, though, was that he got mad at me for not supporting him because I didn’t understand how he thinks about things. What also hurt a lot was that Jesse said that an adopted kid would make him feel like it’s not really his kid. I understand how a person can want a child of their own before adopting. I feel the same way. I’d love to actually be pregnant and feel my child move around inside me. And I want to be able to look at them and see how their features mimic mine or his, which isn’t possible with adoption. But when I think about how I’d feel holding a newly adopted child in my arms, I have a wave of emotions that run over me equal to the emotions I have when I think of holding my newborn biological baby in my arms. Either way, that’s my child. And I think of how much adoption mirrors our relationship with God. To think that He CHOSE us to be a part of his family. Our adopted kid should never feel that they were our second choice. Instead, they should know that we chose them of all kids to be a part of our family! I even asked Jesse how he feels about his 2 cousins that are adopted. Does he see them as any less his cousins? While I know that he loves his cousins, he said that he can't help but think, “Well, technically, they aren’t blood-related to me.” So maybe they would be considered like anyone else who was only related by marriage or something. I was astounded. After marrying into that family, I feel that they are as much my cousins and anyone in my biological family. In fact, all of my cousins’ wives, I consider my cousin without any distinction attached like “my cousin by marriage” or “my cousin’s spouse”. In fact, to further prove my point, I have a cousin who has been with his girlfriend for several years. They have two kids together, but are still not married. When I refer to this girlfriend, I STILL call her my cousin even though they aren’t married!!!

Fear: That we may someday have to cross this bridge which means we’ve been through a lot of stuff that I really don’t want to ever have to go through. That Jesse wouldn’t be open to adoption because he wouldn’t see that child as being our’s. That his hesitancy to talk about it only provokes anger and a lack of support to me as I try to cope with my options through infertility.

Hope: That God changes Jesse’s heart if this ever becomes a road we have to walk. That God prepares us for the places He may take us, regardless of how hard it is to get there. That He helps Jesse know how to support me along this difficult journey. That He also teaches me how to support Jesse as I’m not the only one of us going through this.

Anyways, this blog is becoming longer than I intended it, which is why I’ve struggled to even begin to write it. Therefore, I want to stress what I’ve been attempting to do while wrestling with all of these thoughts. I want to CHOOSE to find God in it all. I want to CHOOSE to be joyful even when things are tough. I want to CHOOSE to be blessed despite how my heart feels. I want to CHOOSE hope rather than fear. And I want to CHOOSE which side of the tug-o-war I’m going to be a part of.

So, here are the things that I have been blessed by lately, to name a few:

1) J wrote me a note of encouragement Tuesday, reminding me to not get overwhelmed by the circumstances. He was where I am once before, and has just seen God’s answer revealed as he celebrates the birth of his new baby boy just 10 days ago.

2) I found in Glenna’s blog the blessing of a beautiful baby boy through adoption in the midst of 4 years of infertility mixed with the hope of a biological child to come someday.

3) I read all the way through Abe’s Oddyssey the other day and found a man pour out his heart to praise God in the midst of in-vitro fertilization.

4) And Elaine reminded me in her blog Tuesday to remember that God gives us the grace we need to encounter each step we come to and allows us to only see a piece of the puzzle because the whole picture would be too overwhelming for us. She says this as she approaches her 15th month of trying to conceive and having 4 failed IUI’s. Today she goes in for surgery and I am reminded to pray that she still sees God’s grace in the surgery today.

5) Melanie has been a great friend. I so much appreciate her emails and just having someone that I can connect with personally despite being thousands of miles apart.

6) On Sunday, I was able to talk to Michelle at church about everything that God is doing through this process. I wanted to give her a copy of Angie’s blog hoping that it would encourage her as it’s encouraged me. It turns out that Michelle had the same diagnosis for one of her pregnancies and lost her baby as well. She shared with me the resentment she had towards God as she went through 8 miscarriages/still births. And yet, now years later, God has given her a beautiful and healthy daughter who’s like 6 or so years old, and Michelle can now see the testimony that she has. I cherish the ability to cry with and hug a woman who understands what I am going through, because she’s been through so much worse and come out on the other side. She even offered for me to call her even when I’m feeling down about things if I just need an ear to listen to me. I appreciate that more than she will ever know.

7) Shelley has been a huge encouragement to me at church as well. It took her a year to have her 2nd daughter, so she understands the pains of waiting, and she also lost her last child to miscarriage. She displays a strength and trust in God through her difficulties (ones not related to pregnancy) that give me hope. I can’t imagine what she has endured and goes through in a daily basis, but I appreciate her soft voice and gentle smile, offering me words of encouragement when I need them.

8) My mom just listened to me as I cried last night and offered a few words of encouragement. Thanks for being there with me when I needed to let it all off of my chest. Thanks for loving me all of the time.

9) After the results of the election were announced (which did not go the way Jesse and I wanted them to), Jesse’s response was to lift up our country in prayer to God. I am so blessed to have a husband who seeks God. Often he offers to pray about something when it never occurred to me to ask God about it. I love that about him. I also felt a warmth in my heart when he mentioned seeking God for guidance for “our family”. It’s hard to think of yourself as a “family” when there are just two of you (normally just called a “couple”). It’s one of those things that I struggle with infertility- that I’m missing out on a family unit because I don’t have kids. So, I loved that he used that word.

10) Dinner with an old friend just to catch up.

11) Lunch dates with a new co-worker just to get to know each other.

12) And the peace that comes over me when I choose hope instead of fear, anticipation instead of anxiety.

If you are still reading, thank you for taking the time to listen to my rambling. Hopefully, you took a bathroom break or something if you needed to. I’ll end with these 2 quotes and the lyrics of a song that came on the radio while I was typing this (it’s actually my current ringtone). And I’ll be back to update everyone with the results of my ultrasound and, hopefully, Jesse’s semen analysis later. I promise it won’t be such a long post!

Perhaps it takes a purer faith to praise God for unrealized blessings than for those we once enjoyed or those we enjoy now. ~A.W. Tozer

We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Author Unknown

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
“Whatever You’re Doing” by Sanctus Real

A Letter of Anticipation

2008-10-31T15:28:00.001-07:00

My Beautiful Baby-

I don’t know if you will ever understand everything your daddy and I have been through to bring you into our lives. It amazes me how much love you can have for someone you’ve never even met; someone who, actually, doesn’t even exist yet. But I have dreamt of you ever since I was a little girl. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mommy. I used to keep a notebook full of potential names for you. The names have since changed, but my dream of having you has only gotten stronger. When I fell in love with your daddy, I was so excited to have you join our family. I didn’t know then, though, how difficult that process would be. And, even as I write this, I am unsure of all that I will continue to have to go through before I finally meet you face-to-face. Yet, I’m willing to do whatever it takes, time and again, knowing that I will be able to hold you in my arms when it’s all over.

I occasionally put my hands over my belly and imagine the days when it will grow, making it clear to the world that you are there. I am amazed when I think of the fact that you will have life because of our love. I can’t wait to feel you move around inside of me. I will cherish every moment of it! I don’t even mind thinking of the sickness and aches that may come with my pregnancy because they all mean that you are there. I want to see your precious face and know that you have my eyes and daddy’s smile. I want to smile with pride as you take your first steps, my arms outstretched waiting for you to fall into them. Those arms will always be here. Waiting to hold you tightly as your tiny hand curls around my finger for the first time. Waiting to pick you up when you fall down and scrape your knee. Waiting to wrap around you, comforting you when you are scared at night. Waiting for you, because, right now, all I can do is wait. I wait for God to complete the work He has begun. For He started writing this story long before I was even born, and I have no idea what the next chapters have in store. I do know, though, that I can rest assured knowing that God is the author of it all. And the story will be one that screams of God’s grace and power throughout it all.

I don’t know in what ways yet, and I truly may never know all that it entails, but I believe wholeheartedly that God has a big plan for your life. He is going to use you to reach others. I’m so excited for it all that it sometimes becomes difficult to wait on God’s perfect plan. But I give every tear, every yearning, every painful & and every joyous thought over to God. I lay it in His hands and trust that my future is secure there.

And, someday, your daddy and I will be able to look back on this and recognize what God did with everything we entrusted in His hands. We can laugh at how shortsighted we were back then, back when we thought it took so long. And we can rejoice at God’s sovereignty even in our deepest struggle.

Until then, I lay it all back in His hands one more time- every doctor’s appointment, every medical test, and every unanswered question- and I praise God that He has the answers and that someday I’ll see them fulfilled in your life. May you never forget that you are an answer to our deepest prayers; that your daddy and I were willing to do whatever it took to bring you to us; and that we loved you before we even knew you.
~Your Mommy

Praise, Praise, Praise!

2008-10-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

I wanted to update everyone and let them know that I received the results of my two blood tests. My prolactin levels and thyroid levels are completely normal. So, the nurse simply said that Dr. York will talk to me about my next option when I go in for my ultrasound next Thursday. Meanwhile, Jesse still has his test tomorrow. So, by Thursday, we should know the results of his test, along with mine, and better be able to determine the next step in the process.

Since I got this call a few minutes before I got off work, I updated my boss on the results of my tests. Since she’s the one that has to make allowances for me to miss work, she has become a part of the circle of people who support me in this whole process. I am so thankful to have her as my boss right now. At my previous job, I discussed my fertility process with my boss, but she was someone who was much more difficult to connect with. We had nothing in common, and while she supported me in trying to have a baby, I had very little relationship with her outside of work discussions. And that was after working with her for 3 years. Now, however, I have been working at my current job for 3 months and am so much closer to my boss now. I am so thankful for her kind words and cheerful spirit day in and day out. As I shared with her the results of the tests and my thoughts concerning the treatment plans for this year (as I mentioned in my last blog), I was so encouraged by her kind words and felt at such a peace about where I am at in this process.

I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with us at all. I wouldn’t be as surprised if Jesse’s test results come back a bit low (only because of his dad’s history), but I would be shocked if anything turns out to be wrong with me. And I couldn’t imagine Jesse’s results being that horrible that it would be the sole cause of infertility. I don’t know why God has opened up the doors to receive fertility testing at this point and time. I think that it does give me a peace to know that IF something is wrong, then at least we can know that and address it. But on a bigger scale, I think He is setting things into motion to open up the doors of a ministry to me- to be able to encourage those who go through infertility. I have visions of being an infertility nurse, counseling couples through their treatment, praying with them, pointing them towards God’s loving arms, and rejoicing with them as God gives them a beautiful gift. I also have visions of using my talents to reach these people. For instance, God has put it on my heart to make baby blankets and items to give to couples who have been through infertility but receive God gift in the end. I am already making these blankets, but have yet to see where they will all end up.

And yet, I feel that I can’t be effective in this ministry without having gone through it myself. I think the most effective ministries are from those who have been through it themselves. I know, from experience, that you don’t take anyone seriously who has either not tried for a year or had difficult pregnancies (including miscarriages) or has since had kids and forgotten the difficulties they had while trying. They simply don’t relate to you anymore. I’ve known for a long time that God had set out a path for me to walk for this specific journey towards children, and that it most likely required more than a year of trying simply because of the experience I needed to be in that ministry. There were months that I still wanted a baby more than anything, and would’ve gladly accepted that change of course in my path if given the option. And yet, something cringed within me because I felt that getting pregnant before the year were up would hinder my ministry with other infertile couples. When I think of being a nurse, I think, “How much greater of a nurse would I be having gone through the same process?!” Imagine being able to tell a patient what they can expect from a certain procedure because you have had it done to you. Imagine being able to sweetly say, “I know what you are going through because I’ve been there, and now I’m here to help you get to where I’m at now, through the grace of God.” Imagine the power of a doctor who holds your hand and cries with you as they lift up your greatest need in prayer to God, because they’ve been in the place before where the desire and grief was so great that they were unable to utter the prayer of their heart aloud to God on their own.

Imagining the power in the testimony I will have and the ministry that may be opened to me gets me all excited! God has something big in store and I get to be a part of it. Not only do I believe that God will give me the blessing of a child in time, but I will get to be a part of blessing others (no matter which way God uses me). I think of the blogs that I follow, specifically the one by Angie Smith, “Bring the Rain”, and one that I’ve recently began checking out by a lady who goes by the name “MckMama”. When I see the impact that their stories are having on those who encounter them, I am amazed! Just with Angie’s blog alone, as of right now, she has had 45,861 views to her profile. She received 2175 comments in one day on one blog! She has had contacts with people from every single one of the 50 states along with 90 other countries! And, it all began with a tragic diagnosis, which affected no one but her and her family. A situation that they were dealing with in their personal lives, that has now affected thousands of people worldwide. My puny little site has received 94 views to date and 2 comments was the most I’ve gotten on any 1 blog. I think that I’ve probably been in contact with people from only a handful of states. And yet, I believe that God may use me just as mightily! I’ve had visions before of doing public speaking and of being a writer. Perhaps, this is the avenue that God wants to use. And, yet, if my blog only impacts 1 other person (or even serves as a place for God to speak to me, even if no one else ever views it), it’s totally worth it. I simply want Him to be glorified. I want people to wake up and recognize the awesome power of our Creator. More than that, I want them to realize that this God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, dwells in them AND wants a RELATIONSHIP with them!!! How amazing is that?!?!! If we truly understand the power of that, we’d be on our knees in awe and praise!!!

I’m excited! I’m stoked beyond all get out! God’s working in our lives, and He cares enough to purpose the most heart-aching situations to cause us to know Him deeper and to grow from the experience. What love!

Doctor's Appointment

2008-10-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

So, I had my first appointment with Dr. York yesterday. She will be my OB-GYN now, helping us in our upcoming steps towards conceiving, and even delivering our baby once we actually get pregnant.

Jesse and I went in at 2:15 to the Women’s Care clinic. It didn’t occur to me before how many pregnant women would be there. In my head, I was thinking that it would be a quiet office, and that most people would be there either for infertility or just general exams. I was wrong! It was a busy office with about 20 people waiting in the small waiting room. And I’d say that half, if not more, were pretty pregnant. It made sense when I realized that it IS an OB-GYN’s office too, but I guess the fact that it is also an infertility specialist’s office threw me off. As I waited, I couldn’t help but hope that in the upcoming months I would become one of those pregnant women waiting in the room. Only time will tell what God has in store, though.

When they called me back, Jesse and I went back to the typical doctor’s room. I had already been weighed and had my height measured. I found out that I am 5’1 ½”. I SHRUNK!!! A whole ½ an inch!!! I can’t afford to lose inches! Anyways, I didn’t have time to be shocked because I was then asked a series of questions by the nurse concerning our medical histories and sexual history. She told me that I would probably be examined by Dr. York and may even have a PAP smear, but to not undress yet. She then had me wait for Dr. York to come in so that she could ask me more questions. I wasn’t really expecting to be examined. I thought I was just coming in for a consultation. But I figured that at least an exam would get some things out of the way rather than having to schedule another appointment to come back and do it later. When Dr. York came in, I found that she was a petite and pretty lady with a soft voice. First, she asked me a series of questions just as the nurse had done. She just went a little deeper into the questioning and asked Jesse some things as well. She also looked at all of my charts that I had brought in and asked questions about my cycles. She overall seemed easy to talk to, but she didn’t go into a lot of detail about things, and also didn’t seem to take some it very seriously. What I mean by that is she kept making comments like, “You haven’t really been married all that long. You’re still really young. You’ve got lots of good eggs left to still get pregnant. Only 80% of couples conceive within a year.” To me, it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been married. We made the decision to have kids because that’s what we felt was best for us. I don’t feel very young. I have the personal goal of wanting to start my family (at least being pregnant) by the time I’m 25. I only have 13 months to able to meet that goal. And, BECAUSE I am young, then that’s why it concerns me even more that it hasn’t happened yet. In addition, I may have many more eggs to conceive, but I don’t know yet how good they are. That’s part of the reason for beginning testing. And, finally, I don’t look at it as only 80% conceive within a year. 80% is a lot! And I’m in that bottom 20%. In addition, I mentioned to her that I’ve read that 93% of couples our age conceive within a year. She simply responded, “That sounds a bit high.” However, I even looked it up again. And these are the results I found:

According to this website, 94% of couples in their early 20’s conceive in 1 year. This website said, “At age 20, a couple has a 93% chance of getting pregnant without any trouble within a 12-month period.” And this site said, “The percentage failing to conceive within a year ranged from eight percent for 19 to 26-year-olds. And, I think it’s important to note that I didn’t seek out the answer I was looking for. I didn’t input any specific percentage. I was simply looking for the percentage of couples in their early 20’s that conceive within a year. These are the only results I found. So I also didn’t neglect to mention any contradictory sources. But these all say relatively the same thing.

So, my point is that I’ve done my research, and every single person I’ve ever known to experience infertility would agree that it is totally normal and within reason to seek fertility counseling after a year without conception. I think that Dr. York was trying to come across as optimistic, but it made me feel more that my concerns were not regarded as valid. Having said that, though, she didn’t, in any way, discourage us from going onto the next steps. She said there was no reason to wait any longer and that we could pursue further steps to try to progress our process.

After that, she asked me to strip down and put on the thinnest, papery outfit. You can’t even really call it an outfit. It was more of a thin, paper jacket that didn’t close and then a sheet of paper to cover my bottom half with! I figure I’ll have to get used to this lack of modesty, though, whether it’s because of the constant fertility tests and treatments or because of an upcoming pregnancy. I can expect these types of visits regularly for the next 6-12 months, at least.

During this un-dressing, Dr. York left the room for an unusually long amount of time. I’ve had to wait before, and it always seems long, but I think coupled with the nakedness and the impending (unexpected) exam, it seemed like an eternity. I was left to stare at the magnets strategically placed on the ceiling above me, while Jesse kept messing with me, tickling my feet or singing to me with the exam light as a microphone. He hadn’t really been expecting to partake in an exam like this either, so I think he was trying to find ways to occupy himself.

When Dr. York finally came in, she had her nurse come in to assist her as well. As far as exams go, it was really quick and relatively painless. She did the PAP smear and a breast exam at the same time. Jesse told me later, though, that he saw the speculum that they use for the exam and felt sorry for me. I agreed.

After that, she told me that everything looked really normal. She did mention the possibility of starting me on Clomid. I was a little confused about this since everyone I know only takes Clomid when they aren’t ovulating (and it’s clear that I do ovulate on my own), but she said that Clomid would help me to have stronger ovulation. I’m not sure in what way right now or how it would affect me. I did some research on it this morning and found many people who say that it doesn’t really help if you are already ovulating unless you are doing artificial forms of insemination with it. Maybe getting started on it soon will make me ready for that if we need to in the future, though. I’ve also heard that it does have some side effects which actually make conception harder, but if you aren’t ovulating, you can’t conceive at all, which is why it’s normally worth it. I’d rather not take it since I know I’m ovulating, but if we discuss it further and find that it’s worth it, then I’d be willing to do what it takes. After getting dressed, she told me that I could head to the lab to have a few blood tests done.

At this point, I didn’t even know what they were testing, but the technician said it was for my thyroid and prolactin levels. To explain, I found out that prolactin is the chemical secreted by your pituitary gland. It’s responsible for triggering many bodily processes, specifically to stimulate milk production in pregnant women to prepare for breastfeeding. And, this release of prolactin is actually triggered by a thyroid hormone. Serotonin also triggers prolactin, whereas dopamine blocks it. Prolactin also affects your ovulation and menstrual cycles, which is why it’s nearly impossible to get pregnant when you are breastfeeding. Prolactin inhibits your follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). Both of these hormones are responsible for helping your eggs to develop and mature in the ovaries. Excessive prolactin can prevent ovulation causing infertility. So, these simple blood tests rule out any of these hormonal problems.

She also set Jesse up with a sperm analysis kit to take home. . There are very specific rules, though, which may mean that we’ll come back into the clinic and just do the test there. Jesse has to bring it in between 7:30-8am this Saturday morning, and it has to be less than 30 minutes old. It might just be too difficult to drive it from Thurston to Eugene that quickly. So, we may just come in early that morning.

And, finally, I was scheduled to come in for an ultrasound to look at the shape of my uterus and ovaries in about 10 days. This ultrasound would also show if I had a mature follicle from ovulation or not. So, now I just wait (not for very long, though). I should have the results of my blood tests in a few days, will submit the semen analysis test Saturday, and have my ultrasound next Thursday. When the results of all of these things come back, then we can determine where to go next.

In my research, though, I have found that about half of those who do not conceive within a year, DO conceive in the next year. One of the sites I mentioned earlier with the statistics also said, “Only three percent of 19 to 26-year-olds failed to conceive in the second year, provided the male partner was aged under 40.” So, it went from 8% who don’t conceive in the first year, to 3% who don’t conceive in the 2nd year. That makes 63% who conceive in the 2nd year (out of those who didn’t conceive before). Also, I found that many people who go through assisted reproductive therapies during their 2nd year of infertility, would’ve conceived naturally on their own without the assistance. In fact, according to one study, the percent of successful pregnancies is higher in those who don’t undergo artificial means of insemination than those who do. Plus, there are many health risks to undergoing such procedures.

At this point, I still feel like God brought us here for a reason. And I do believe this is the right timing to begin the testing process. I think it’s important to know whether there is something medically wrong with us. But, I think that after all of the testing, if we discovered that there was no medical diagnosis for our infertility, I would cease all treatment and just continue trying normally, knowing that God must have a reason for making us wait and will create a pregnancy in His timing, and knowing that, statistically, the numbers are on our side to become pregnant within the next year. I would like to say that this above statement of God is still true regardless of the diagnosis. I do believe that God has a reason for allowing us to go through a year of infertility and can create a baby regardless of any medical abnormalities, but I do also believe that God chooses to work through doctors and treatments as well. And He could just as easily be leading us to this point to receive a child through medical assistance. In the end, I feel confident that I will be pregnant in this next year- because of the things I feel God is speaking to me, because of the statistics being on my side now, because of the opportunity to discover now if there is something wrong with me, and because of the ability to be able to address such problems if we discover them along the way.

So, 2 hours after I initially came in, I left with a little less modesty, a band-aid on my arm, and a testing cup & a reminder of my next appointment in my hands. Now, we just wait :-)

My bruised arm from the blood tests

All of the things that go into making a baby, from the semen analysis to the dr's appointments to the insurance papers to the Basal Body Thermometer to the ovulation tests to the pregnancy tests!

Anticipation

2008-10-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have entered into a time of anticipation with God. The months preceding this have been a time to wrestle with God; a time to reconcile my beliefs with my barrenness, my expectations with my emotions, and my goals for myself with the God who holds my future in the palms of His holy and magnificent hands.

I think that infertility has taught me to trust in God as I face my most difficult, gut-wrenching trials. I have been learning that God prefers to work in the impossible situations, to take me to a place where I can do nothing without Him. It is in this place that He is able to reveal His power and receive all of the glory. I experienced this the first time in my relationship with Jesse. My desire was to get married from a very young age. Anyone who knew me knew that I wanted to get married more than I wanted anything else. I would’ve gladly chosen to be married and have my first kid before 20 years old, but instead, God made me wait until I was 20 to even begin dating my husband. From there, we went through a tumultuous courtship ending in a heart-aching break-up. It was the hardest thing I’ve been through to date. The pain I felt in my stomach and heart was enough to make me feel physically sick. I was asked to do one of the most difficult tasks any human can do- to pray for the one who had hurt me. I watched my world crumble underneath my feet, but found through this time, that God was my strong tower. In His arms, I found my one secure place. This endured for nearly a year and 1/2 before God brought my love back to me. And, the marriage that we have had since is one that truly testifies to the love of God. I have realized, in hindsight, that we could’ve gotten married a year earlier and probably would be making it. However, we would not have the passion and appreciation for each other and for God that we now have. It is BECAUSE of the difficult break-up that we have the amazing relationship that we do.

Part of me thinks that since I already had to go through such a tough time before, shouldn’t I get a break when it comes to having a baby? For those who know me well know that just after getting married, my greatest desire has always been to be a mom. I could pass on any career, any amount of money, any other dream to experience the joys of being a wife and a mother. So, how come the 2 things I desire most in my life are the 2 that I have to struggle so hard to obtain? And yet, when I think of the testimony that Jesse and I now have concerning our relationship and where God has brought us, I can only imagine how great of a story I’ll have to tell when I hold my beautiful baby in my arms! Every month of trying, every diagnostic test we have to take, and every form of treatment that may come all are adding up to an amazing story of God’s grace and power. I wish things could’ve been easier. I wish that we could’ve conceived within the first 4-5 months like most people our age. I wish that I could be among that proud 93% that are showing off their bellies and babies. But, being among that tiny 7% gives me a story unlike theirs’. And I believe that I will be a better and stronger mother because of this journey that God is taking me on.

In the meanwhile, I’ve found myself beginning to get settled into this world of infertility. As each cycle comes to an end, I generally expect to not be pregnant. I find myself subtly thinking that if it hasn’t happened before, doing everything exactly the same won’t get any different results. So, there’s no reason I should be pregnant this month if I haven’t been pregnant for the last 12. However, I had a wake-up call when I read a blog by someone else going through a similar infertility journey. She said, “All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.” I realized that I was doing the same thing. I take my basal body temperature every morning. I anticipate the days when I will most likely be ovulating. I take ovulation tests, hoping for that positive result which means I will ovulate in the next few days. I look forward to the days when we have sex and it can result in a pregnancy. And then I wait for 11-13 days… expecting it to have not worked at all. That’s insanity!!!

So, God spoke to me yesterday, saying, “I want you to expect that you will get pregnant.” I have recognized that my lack of faith does guard my emotions, shielding me from experiencing complete devastation when I discover I’m not pregnant again. But what’s the point in going through all of this if I don’t expect that I will ever be pregnant. So, I don’t think that God is telling me to expect every month to be the month. But, instead, He wants me to believe that I will get pregnant- that God does have that in store for me.

In practice of this faith, I am trying to guard the way that I speak so that nothing I say implies that I may not ever conceive. Instead of saying, “If I get pregnant…” to say, “When I get pregnant…” And, as my first exercise in executing this faith, I believe that God has asked me to write a letter to my future child. In doing so, I will be professing that I believe this child will someday exist in a physical form and be able to read such a letter. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to sit down and write it, since I’m not sure how emotional it’ll make me. Knowing me, I probably shouldn’t attempt it while at work, which means it may take a little longer to find a moment to express myself freely.

When I mentioned this to Jesse, he is so glad to see the turn around in the way I speak. He has seen the process first-hand that God has been taking me through. And he can remember, not so long ago, when I wasn’t so certain that God would allow me to be a mother- times when I cried out because no one could promise me that it was really His will for my life.

In support of my faith, I asked Jesse if he would be willing to write his own letter too. I have a letter from each of my parents written in my baby book, during their first months as a new mommy or daddy. I think it’s great to look back and read now that I am an adult, and reflect on how they felt so many years ago. Jesse agreed, but I’m not sure when he’ll sit down and do it. I will post both of these letters when they exist.

For now, I would appreciate your prayers, speaking God’s will into being in our lives. Pray for us to continue to have faith despite whatever circumstances we encounter. We’re about to embark on a brand new part of the journey, entering the world of doctors and tests, and possible treatments. I’m not sure what we might face, but I believe that God has brought us to this point in our journey, and I’m excited to see His plan unfold for our lives!

Psalm 113 (MSG)
Hallelujah! You who serve God, praise God!
Just to speak his name is praise!
Just to remember God is a blessing—
now and tomorrow and always.
From east to west, from dawn to dusk, keep lifting all your praises to God!

God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent
heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place of honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
He gives them joy as the parents of children.Hallelujah!

Babies on the Brain

2008-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

Just thought this was funny. I was searching through google trying to find pictures of something for church when i came across this pic:

My first thought was that it was ovaries.

And then, in a 2nd glance, I realized that the first picture is really a set of headphones.

I think I have babies on the brain too much!!!

Awareness

2008-10-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

I didn’t remember until today, but this week is

"The problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist and I'm the only one who misses them." -Unknown

In light of this week, I thought I’d spend some time today, shedding some light on the subject. In the introduction of this site, I explained that many people don’t know how to react towards someone dealing with infertility. I understand. Why would you? Unfortunately, though, the ignorance can sometimes come across in very hurtful ways. And while I know that your intentions are to try to be helpful, the wounds can scar really deeply.

So, these are ways that family members and friends can reach out to those who are hurting. The full article is found here. I don’t find myself in every single category, but do relate to quite a bit.

I highly recommend going through and reading the ways that infertility emotionally impacts those going through it. But, more importantly, I wanted to share things that friends and family members can do to be more supportive. These are also described more in depth in the article, but I’ll just touch the points that I feel the most strongly about:

Admit there’s a problem. Pretending that I’m not experiencing any difficulty getting pregnant or avoiding the issue is not helpful. It’s something that affects me on so many levels. Of course, I go about my daily job and I enjoy my time with my husband and I have fun as much as I can, but interspersed in those events is an ongoing process surrounding infertility. I live my life in daily and weekly increments. 5 days of a period. 5 days until I’m fertile again. 3 days of peak fertility. Two weeks until I know if I’m pregnant or not. Then I start all over. Each period isn’t just filled with cramps and uncomfortability and PMS, but at my most emotionally irrational time of the entire month, I also have to deal with the disappointment of not being pregnant again, when the majority of people my age have gotten pregnant many months before. Every day for the past 7 months, roughly 235 times, I have waited in bed without moving, no matter how badly I have to pee, and waited an excruciating 2 minutes for the thermometer to read my temperature, so that I track my cycles and keep it for my record. I cannot even tell you the amount of times I’ve had to pee in a cup or on a stick just waiting for the line to get dark enough to mean that I’m fertile again. Every plan we make for our house and future is made with having kids in mind. We bought a 2 bedroom house to allow room for our family to grow. The closet in that bedroom is filled from one end to the other with infant clothes. I won’t even paint that room without knowing if we’re having a boy or girl first despite the fact that it’s main usage is an office right now. I’ve considered writing down each time I think about having a baby or am reminded of my infertility throughout the day. But I think that doing so would make me think about it even more, and the thoughts are so instinctive that I think I’d miss it most of the time. For they arise with every commercial about baby products or life insurance or birth control pills, etc. I have huge hopes and dreams for my future family full of kids. I have all of their names picked out, down to the middle names as well. I know how many I want to have and what genders I hope they will be. I know how I want to decorate their nurseries and what kind of schools I want them to go to. Asking me where I’m at in my process to conceive makes me feel that all of the idiosyncrasies that I have to go through daily aren’t for naught. Asking me what I want to name my kids or something like that makes me feel as if you are optimistic about my future as well. Don’t be afraid of bringing an emotionally difficult issue. I’ll share as much as I feel comfortable sharing. Just asking shows me that you are interested and allows me the chance to confide in you if I choose.

Become informed. Some comments like “You shouldn't feel that way when you have so much to be grateful for;” “Just relax;” “Quit trying and you'll get pregnant;” reveal some serious misunderstandings about infertility and make me feel worse about where I’m at. Recognizing the causes of infertility, the statistics (I’ve already shared before), and what all goes into the treatments validates what I’m going through. I don’t expect you to be an expert or even to do a ton of research. But asking questions about some treatment you’ve heard on the news or asking me what all I have to go through in my testing or in simply trying to have a baby, will show me that you are taking the issue seriously and care enough to ask. It’ll also prevent you from saying those comments which only tear me down in their inaccuracies.

Be realistic. There is no way that you can take this whole problem away and fix it for me, no matter how much you may want to. I understand that and don’t expect you to. Share your concern that you may unintentionally say or do hurtful things, and then ask for understanding, patience, and guidance. If you feel overwhelmed, say so. Don’t be afraid of gentle humor. I’ve always been one to believe that leaving things unsaid opens up the doors for misunderstandings, hurt, and bitterness to take root. Be honest with me about how you may not know what to say or may not be able to handle the burden of my situations on your shoulders. I don’t expect you to be able to do these things and can help encourage you in what I do need from you.

Listen. Bear in mind that people experiencing infertility want a sounding board more often than an opinion. I don’t know that I can say it in any better way. I want to add to it, though, respond with encouragement. This doesn’t mean to say, “I’m sure it’ll happen for you. Don’t worry.” I mean, tell me that you are praying for me and that you are excited to see God answer that prayer. I think that praying for someone is the most loving thing you can do for them. It says to me that you care enough about the person to lift them up before their maker and ask for something on their behalf. And, as a side note, commenting on my blogs lets me know that someone out there is listening, even if all you say is, “I love you and I’m praying for you through this.”

Accept different ways of coping. For myself, I need to be able to talk about it. I need to know that someone is listening and cares enough to pray for me. I need to be able to prepare just as if I were going to have a baby, collecting clothes and picking out names and planning for my future. Without being told that I will never have a baby, I am left having to believe that it will eventually happen. And, in the midst of talking about it all, I often cry. I’m just an emotional person. It doesn’t mean you’ve said something wrong. It means that I’m sharing something with you that touches a deep part of my heart. So, allow me to talk. Allow me to cry. Allow me to pick out my baby clothes and hang them in my closet and discuss the baby names I’ve chosen. I don’t cope the same way you might expect someone else to. So, let me express it my way. As a side note, Jesse copes with it completely differently. He doesn’t talk about it at all, unless in response to something I’ve already brought up. He isn’t able to chime in with the baby names as readily as I can because it’s not realistic to him yet. Without me being pregnant yet, he doesn’t think about baby things as often. And, in our deepest of discussions, he’s shared with me his fears of feeling as if it may be his fault (which I’m sure hurts his masculinity) or of the questions he asks God about why He would allow me to hurt in such a way. So, if you ask him about things, he probably won’t be as quick to open up about it, but I suppose that simply asking will allow him to share as much as he wants.

Make the invitation. I think I would change this to say, “Allow me to deal with the event in my own way.” Baby showers are especially difficult times. Inviting me lets me know that I am thought of and wanted. And, most likely, I’ll not only feel a slight obligation to join, but REALLY want to go as well. I want to celebrate the life of a newborn baby, as infertility has given me an awakening to the miracle that life really is. But watching someone open all of their gifts in preparation for the baby to come in only a matter of weeks, as everyone dotes over them and discusses their own pregnancies and children takes a toll on me. One time I was at my boss’s baby shower surrounded by about 8 coworkers who had all just had babies. They talked of other coworkers who had also just given birth but couldn’t be there. And they said things like, “Yeah, no one else is pregnant at Willamalane right now.” I sat there alone, after spending the whole day planning baby showers for my 2 best friends, knowing that I had just found out that day that I wasn’t pregnant again. I cried all of the way home. Also, hanging out with my friends who have kids can take a toll on me as well. Months after the shower, I sat among those 2 same friends, as each fed her newborn baby. My arms were empty. When we took off for lunch, I was the only one not toting a diaper bag and carseat. One of my friends did ask if it was hard for me to be there with both of them, which showed me that she cared, but it was a situation that I felt I had to simply endure until I could leave. I decided after that day that I couldn’t hang out with both friends at the same time. The conversations were dominated by newborn baby behaviors and past pregnancy symptoms while I wanted to talk about anything but that. Having out with them individually still allowed me to spend time with my friends, but made room for us to do other things and talk about other topics. I also love to babysit their little kids. I enjoy feeling like a mom as I feed them and dress them and take them to the park. But I need the times to bow out of babysitting and be home in the arms of my husband, just the two of us. This isn’t because I can’t handle the stress of kids, but because the kids are not mine and that brings up a lot of additional baggage.

Finally, respond to the need for dignity and respect. I think this most applies to me by recognizing that my feelings about infertility are not irrational. I have spent countless hours in research. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching to find the answers I so desperately seek about myself and about God. Trust me that I know what I’m talking about, and show respect towards the decisions I make concerning testing and treatment.

More than anything, I know that I have a whole slew of people out there who care about how I feel and what I am going through. I know that people are rooting for Jesse and I to become parents. Expressing your love for us is more important than anything else. Knowing that any response you give is rooted in love helps us to get through this process. Please remember that I’m not the only one out there going through this, and take some time this week to lift up those needs to God. Thanks again for your love, your support, and your prayers.

Baby Names

2008-10-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

I previously mentioned that I've been coming up with baby names since I was really little. In fact, I used to keep a notebook that had my whole list of names in it when I was just in middle school. When Jesse and I were engaged, we were discussing our plans for our future family. Jesse asked me to list about 5 names that I would like for our kids. After I listed my names, I asked him what his ideas were. In each of our lists, there was 1 name that we completely agreed on. Since that conversation, both of us have been in complete agreement that our first son will have that name. And since I have witnessed many couples who disagree over baby names down to the birth of their child, I feel very thankful to have a husband who likes all of the names I have come up with. Last Friday, I came up with my perfect list of names, and when I talked to Jesse about it, he liked it a lot. (We had already talked about all of the names in depth before. I just came up with an idea that tied it all together.) So, I thought it'd be fun to share the names we have come up with and the meanings behind them. Beware, though, if any of you out there steal my names, I will hunt you down...

Our first son will be named Josiah David.

Josiah has a lot of meanings depending on where you look. But the "iah" ending denotes that it is a Hebrew name and means that the person who named the child is a worshiper of Jehovah. Usually the name means something like "Jehovah has heard" or "Jehovah has given." Josiah means "God will save", "Jehovah has healed", "One who is built upon Jehovah", and "the fire of the Lord." Josiah was the youngest king ever in the history of Israel. He became king when he was only 8 years old. Despite having an unGodly father, he served God as a righteous king. This is the one name that Jesse and I both had on our initial list. The middle name "David" is after my one and only brother (who is best friends with Jesse and really close to me) and my dad (Michael and Kaela already named their son after Michael & Jesse's dad). David also means "Cherished" or "Beloved" in Hebrew.

Our 2nd son will be named Judah Michael.

Judah is Hebrew as well, meaning "Praise the Lord" or "the praise of the Lord". Judah wasn't the mostly Godly man in the Bible, but it was from his tribe (his lineage) that Jesus was born. And Revelation refers to Jesus as "The Lion of the Tribe of Judah". The middle name "Michael" is Hebrew and means "Who is like God?" (a rhetorical question saying that no one compares to Him). This name would be after Jesse's one and only brother.

Our 1st daughter would be named McKaya Raelynn.

McKaya can actually be a boy's or girl's name, depending on how you spell it. And I originally wanted it as a boy's name. I suppose it still could be if we end up having more boys. But I like it spelled this way with this and with this middle name. So, Micaiah (spelled like this) was the name of both a man and woman in the Bible. The woman was the mother of one of the kings in the Bible. And the man was the only Godly prophet to tell King Ahab and King Jehoshaphat the truth of God unlike the other prophets who lied, telling the kings what they wanted to hear. McKaya (spelled any way) means "Who is like God?" (just like Michael because they are derivitive of the same name). The middle name Raelynn comes from both mine and Jesse's moms. My mom's middle name is Rae and Jesse's mom's middle name was Lynn. Together, this name means "Beautiful lamb".

Finally, our 2nd daughter would be named Jordyn Grace.

Jordyn is Hebrew meaning "to flow down." The name itself is one that I have loved since I was about 15 years old, when I heard of a girl on a TV show that had that name. I tend to like boy's names for girls and names that aren't quite as common. I fought wholeheartedly for this name. When my cousin was pregnant, she wanted to name her daughter Jordyn, but was torn between that and another name. I won, and she chose the other name instead. The middle name "Grace" means just that- favor or blessing. It's Latin (go figure!). I think it's a beautiful name in itself, but it also means a lot to me because of the lessons God has taught me about His grace in my suffering through infertility.

There's a few other names that I like as well, which we could play around with if God surprised us with more kids than we expect to have. But Jesse and I hope for 3 kids (2 boys and a girl) and this would cover all of those names. In addition, I wanted all of the names to begin with J's and M's to go with Jesse and Mandy, which all of these names do. And Josiah and McKaya go together as do Jordyn and Judah. Finally, the middle names cover all of the bases for our siblings and parents to be named after.

So, I hope you like them, but even if you don't, we'll still probably name our kids that anyways!!! And remember my warning about stealing my names. I'm serious! :-)

Judah means

Holy Ground

2008-10-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

My frame of mind concerning getting pregnant has gradually changed in the past year of infertility. In the beginning months, I was confused and saddened by how long it was taking. After the 6th month of trying, I just began to get angry. After 9 months, it became more of a homesick kind of feeling than anything else- yearning for a baby just like I have before, but almost a kind of lonely feeling, missing what I wasn’t getting. My last blog detailed the turning point for me- the ability to say, “Bring the rain” because I know that God is going to use it to produce growth. A time when I could first say that I knew God was building up for something big and I want to experience it. Since then, when I think about having children, it’s more with expectation than with fear or sadness.

My in-laws just moved to Idaho a week ago, and I got the privilege of inheriting as many of their baby items as I wanted. I think I did really well considering how much I DIDN'T take, but Jesse's eyes got really big when he saw the huge garbage bag (I'm talking like almost as tall as me) full of stuff. I cheerfully reminded him that it was less stuff we'd have to buy ourselves once the time actually comes! :-)

A few nights ago, I sat down on the floor to sort through all of the clothes. As these heaps of tiny onesies and cute little outfits began to pile up around me, I'd pick up each item and my mind would wander with thoughts of the child we'd one day place in it. A few of them, like the ones that said, "Daddy's Princess" or "I love my mommy" caused me to sit a little longer looking at them, holding them gracefully in my lap and thinking a little more deeply about it. But I wasn't saddened by the lack of child to place in the outfit right now. Instead, I was excited about what the future holds.

I think, one way or another, I WILL be a mom. I think that God gave me this desire for a reason. In one of my baby books, it asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, to be answered when I was in elementary school. At 7 years old, written in the book, my answer says that I want to be a teacher and a mommy. Years later, my God-given passion for teaching still remains (although in a very different way than I thought so many years ago). And now, completely grown up, I want to be a mommy more than anything else. I used to carry around a notebook with me in which I wrote down all of the names I wanted for each of my kids. The list still remains although the names have changed. Passions that strong don't come out of nowhere. I believe they are instilled by God to bring forth His plan. So, now it's not as much about if I will be a mom, but how long it'll take... or how it'll come about...

Something I read today reminded me of the story of Joshua and the walls of Jericho. To read this story, click here. For me, though, here’s what this story means:

First of all, an angel appears to Joshua and instructs him to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground. This is 1 of only 2 places where this statement is said. The first was when God spoke to Moses at the burning bush before telling him that God was going to use him to release the Israelites from captivity. The 2nd time was here to Joshua just before telling him that God was going to give them the city of Jericho. So, in both of these instances, this statement marks the introduction that God is about to do something really big, and offers these men a moment to recognize the holiness of the situation- to stop and see that they were about to see the almighty God move in a miraculous manner.

Then, the Lord goes on to tell Joshua that he should walk around the city walls once a day for six days. On the 7th God, God tells Joshua to march around 7 times with the priests blowing their horns, and on the 7th time the priests will give one long blow of the horn and everyone should shout as loud as they possibly can. Without doing another thing, the walls of the city will collapse allowing the people to walk straight into the town and conquer it.

I did a little bit of research about these walls of Jericho. The city had an embankment all around it with a stone retaining wall at its base. This wall was about 12-15 ft high. On top of that was a mudbrick wall 6 feet thick and about 20-26 ft high. At the crest of the embankment was a similar mudbrick wall whose base was roughly 46 feet above the ground level outside the retaining wall. This is what loomed high above the Israelites as they marched around the city each day for 7 days. The actual site says, “Humanly speaking, it was impossible for the Israelites to penetrate the impregnable (sound familiar?) bastion of Jericho.”

On the 7th time around the city on the 7th day, Joshua commanded the people, “Shout! For the Lord has given you the town!” Then it says, “Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the town and captured it.” This word in Hebrew suggests that it “fell beneath itself”. And as archeologists have excavated this land, they have found that this rings true. In fact, because of the embankment that I described earlier, the collapsed wall actually created a ramp for the Israelites to go up and enter the city.

If you think about it, shouting obviously does absolutely nothing physically to bring down these walls. I don’t know that you could even make enough noise to cause vibrations that would rattle walls like these. It’s not possible. And there’s not any physical or even logical reason why the people needed to walk around the city the 12 times before (once on the first 6 days and 6 times on the 7th day). This marching probably didn’t even intimidate the residents of Jericho because they felt that they were invincible. God also didn’t need the Israelites to do each of these steps in order to work. He could’ve just spoken it into being such. But He chose to work that way, and I think, in a lot of ways, probably just so He could show everyone that it was only because of Him that this miracle came about.

So, in my situation, I believe that God has told me that I am standing on Holy Ground- about to enter a place where He will move mightily. My situation often feels impossible. In fact, I feel… impregnable (literally). And, Jesse and I have done everything we could possibly do on our own to make it work. It’s out of our hands. And, I get the sense that each month when I take my ovulation tests and plan for my most fertile times, I’m simply marching around the wall, not making a sound, not making any impact. But I believe that God is taking me to that 7th time on that 7th day when He is going to bring down the walls.
Many people brushed off my fears from the very beginning, believing that I would get pregnant quickly and was wrong for worrying so soon. However, I had a sense from the very beginning that if it wasn’t happening then, it wasn’t going to happen for quite a while. I’ve defined myself as being in the infertility group despite the fact that I hadn’t reached the definitive 1 year until just this past week. I was wrong for being worried before. My fear was rooted in sadness and a lack of faith in God’s goodness. But I don’t think I was wrong in feeling that it was going to take so long. I think I knew back then that God was taking me on that journey. I just wasn’t ready to let Him lead the way. I wanted it in my timing.

There’s no logical reason why I should have to go through infertility for a year. Even if there is something medically wrong with us, I know (and have seen) God to work in the most difficult situations- with people who have only 1 ovary or who have had a vasectomy. So, God doesn’t need our health or our efforts or anything in our part to bring forth a baby. He could speak it into being within my womb. He could form it even when I’m not ovulating- even when I haven’t had sex- He did it in Mary…

I believe that God is going to tear down those walls soon. They’ll crumble beneath my feet and the very desires of my heart will be before my eyes.

I don’t know what day of the march I’m on or how many more times I’ll have to go around these same city walls, but I know that my God is bigger than any wall and seems to prefer to move in what I deem as the “impossible” situations.

So, today, I remove my shoes (literally! I just did it here at work) and I recognize the holy ground of the path that God has set me on. And I say, “Lord, I’m your servant. Clay in your hands. May my heart be moldable and soft before you as you shape your will for my life. Lord, I believe that you are more than able to bring me things greater than my wildest dreams. Help my unbelief which whispers within me that you may choose not to. I trust in your sovereignty within my situation.”

The Other Side of the Statistics

2008-10-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

I found out this week that I’m not pregnant again. It’s ok, though… I guess. I mean, I still want to have a baby more than anything else, but I’ve gotten pretty used to the disappointment. After going through it 15 times in the past year, I’ve learned to not expect it, which means my heart doesn’t sink quite as far. While this is much easier on my emotions, it makes the whole process seem drawn out. Instead of eagerly anticipating each next marker in my cycle (from my period to a positive OPK to ovulation to my next period- all within 4 weeks), the weeks run from one to the next and each cycle seems to extend right into the following one.

The only thing significant about this particular cycle was that it was the one that defined my 1-year mark. Since “infertility” is defined as an inability to conceive after 1 year without birth control (you don’t even really have to be trying!), getting pregnant this month would keep me out of that definition. However, not getting pregnant would define everything. I’m now on the other side of the statistics.

And the statistics are staggering to me. Check this out:

Each month, even if your reproductive health is excellent, the chance an average woman has of getting pregnant is about 20%. When I found this out, it seems crazy to me that anyone ever gets pregnant. The first month a couple actively tries to conceive, they are actually more likely to get pregnant than any other month. Not sure why, but this first month, 25% of couples get pregnant, compared to the 20% that conceive any other month. Those numbers sound a little small, but if you consider that 1 in every 4 women will get pregnant the first month and 1 out of every 5 will get pregnant each following month, you begin to realize how quickly it adds up. Most research shows that after 6 months of trying to conceive, 60% of those who originally began trying to conceive are now pregnant. After 9 months, 75% of couples will be pregnant. By the end of a year, research begins to differ- some saying 80% and some saying that 90% of couples will be pregnant. By a year and a half, most research agrees that 90% of couples will have conceived. And another 5% will get pregnant within 2 years of originally starting. Based on the original statistic of 20% getting pregnant each month, here’s how it all works out. Say 100 couples begin trying to have a baby in the first month. Here’s how many will get pregnant and how many will be left trying each month:

The chart differs from some of the statistics because 20% is the high end of the range. It’s actually somewhere between 15-20% and many factors can affect this number.
These statistics and this chart, though, are an accumulation of all couples, regardless of health or age or any other factor. If you break it down by age, most couples in their early twenties conceive within 4-5 months, making them the first 60% to conceive. If they are in their late 20’s, most conceive by 5-7 months. They make up the next 20%. Most couples in their early 30’s conceive within 7-10 months. They make up the next 5%. And most couples in their late thirties conceive within 10-12 months, making another 5%.

And for couples in their early 20’s, 93% are pregnant within a year.

Out of those who don’t conceive within a year, 90% can be attributed to some medically diagnosable cause. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever conceive, but this factor could be making it harder. 30% of those 90% are cause by male infertility factors like a low sperm count or poor sperm motility. 30 of the 90% are caused by female factors like poly-cystic ovaries or a lack of ovulation, maybe blocked fallopian tubes or a tilted uterus. Another 30% are a combination of both male and female factors. And the final 10% are those who no reason can be found for their infertility.

I know that’s a lot of statistics, but I find that most people don’t realize how rare infertility is. I say this because I have a lot of people who have brushed off my difficulty in getting pregnant by saying that they know people who took much longer to get pregnant than I have so far, like 3-5 years. And they say (seriously), “If I had a nickel for every woman I knew who got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying…” However, I think it’s important to know that only 7% of couples mine and Jesse’s age DON’T get pregnant within a year. And that 90% of couples who don’t get pregnant within a year have something medically diagnosable wrong with them.

When I told Jesse all of these statistics, I said, “That makes us in the bottom 7%. We’re among a REALLY small group of people!” His response to me was, “Well, God must be doing something really big then!”

Having said all of that, being in that 7% now allows me to seek a doctor’s consultation to find out what is wrong. I’ve already had my progesterone test and found out that it was normal. In 6 days I have my first appointment with Dr. York to talk about the next step. I’m really anxious about this appointment. Not in a scared way, but just with a lot of anticipation. I feel like I’m about to take a jump into a big pond and have no idea what’s going to be in there with me or what’s going to happen once I get in.

I feel, though, that God has brought us to this place in our journey. Three months ago, as I reached my 12th cycle, I tried to contact a fertility clinic in Portland, only to find that our insurance wouldn’t cover a dime and there was no way we could afford $300 just for a phone consultation with the doctor. I knew I just had to wait on God’s timing. In the meanwhile, I was no longer satisfied with the job I had for 3 years and felt that God was pulling me in a new direction. This job at the hospital fell into my lap. It wasn’t ANYTHING that I was looking for and I was really scared to take it. Did you know that 90 people applied for this job, only 6 were interviewed, and I was the only one to pass both tests in the interview? In prayer, I felt like God told me to take it, and I’m so thankful I did. We’ve experienced several financial burdens, which would’ve completely sunk us if I were still at my previous job. But now the income I make is meeting those needs. In addition, I began receiving health benefits after a month of working here which cover 50% of all fertility testing and much of the expenses of seeing a doctor. And I actually like my job quite a bit. Sounds like God, doesn’t it? So, with everything falling into place, I have to trust that God is lining things up to get ready to move.

My heart is SO ready to experience the fulfillment of His plan, but I have to remember that there’s grace in the suffering (more about that some other time) and that there are testimonies in the testing.

Joshua 5:13-15

2008-10-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

The Lord’s Commander Confronts Joshua
When Joshua was near the town of Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with sword in hand. Joshua went up to him and demanded, “Are you friend or foe?” “Neither one,” he replied. “I am the commander of the Lord’s army.” At this, Joshua fell with his face to the ground in reverence. “I am at your command,” Joshua said. “What do you want your servant to do?” The commander of the Lord’s army replied, “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did as he was told.

The Fall of Jericho
Now the gates of Jericho were tightly shut because the people were afraid of the Israelites. No one was allowed to go out or in. But the Lord said to Joshua, “I have given you Jericho, its king, and all its strong warriors. You and your fighting men should march around the town once a day for six days. Seven priests will walk ahead of the Ark, each carrying a ram’s horn. On the seventh day you are to march around the town seven times, with the priests blowing the horns. When you hear the priests give one long blast on the rams’ horns, have all the people shout as loud as they can. Then the walls of the town will collapse, and the people can charge straight into the town.”

So Joshua called together the priests and said, “Take up the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant, and assign seven priests to walk in front of it, each carrying a ram’s horn.” Then he gave orders to the people: “March around the town, and the armed men will lead the way in front of the Ark of the Lord.”

After Joshua spoke to the people, the seven priests with the rams’ horns started marching in the presence of the Lord, blowing the horns as they marched. And the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant followed behind them. Some of the armed men marched in front of the priests with the horns and some behind the Ark, with the priests continually blowing the horns. “Do not shout; do not even talk,” Joshua commanded. “Not a single word from any of you until I tell you to shout. Then shout!” So the Ark of the Lord was carried around the town once that day, and then everyone returned to spend the night in the camp.

Joshua got up early the next morning, and the priests again carried the Ark of the Lord. The seven priests with the rams’ horns marched in front of the Ark of the Lord, blowing their horns. Again the armed men marched both in front of the priests with the horns and behind the Ark of the Lord. All this time the priests were blowing their horns. On the second day they again marched around the town once and returned to the camp. They followed this pattern for six days.

On the seventh day the Israelites got up at dawn and marched around the town as they had done before. But this time they went around the town seven times. The seventh time around, as the priests sounded the long blast on their horns, Joshua commanded the people, “Shout! For the Lord has given you the town! Jericho and everything in it must be completely destroyed as an offering to the Lord. Only Rahab the prostitute and the others in her house will be spared, for she protected our spies.

“Do not take any of the things set apart for destruction, or you yourselves will be completely destroyed, and you will bring trouble on the camp of Israel. Everything made from silver, gold, bronze, or iron is sacred to the Lord and must be brought into his treasury.”

When the people heard the sound of the rams’ horns, they shouted as loud as they could. Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the town and captured it.

Tuesday, Overwhelmed

2008-10-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my mind was a whirling mess of countless thoughts. This, in itself, is not all that unusual. For those that know me well enough, know that I am usually a very organized and put-together person. For those that know me even better know that in order to produce that put-together exterior, there must be an extensive process of analyzing every detail of the endless ideas to death before presenting a well-formulated notion. These people, the ones that know me the best, know this because they get to hear every detail analyzed aloud as my thoughts overflow into a barrage of chatter. However, while the spinning thoughts are not so new to me, the heaviness on my heart because of them was not so common, and was difficult to deal with in the midst of the hustle and bustle of work.

As my shift came to an end, I changed and boarded the treadmill in the gym for my regular workout. The book that I had brought to read, though, seemed overwhelming to pick up, for I knew that it proposed new ways of thinking and profound concepts to revive our ideas of faith. Right now, though, I couldn’t take on any more new ideas. I needed to deal with the ones I already had. So, I took the time to zone out somewhere between the closed caption dialogue of Oprah on TV, the oldies playing on the radio, and the old guys running faster than me on their treadmills. It was in this mechanical state that God began to reveal Himself to me as the missing link between all of the thoughts. Here’s how it all comes together:

Thought #1:
I’ve recently begun reading an online blog of a lady I’ve never met before. I just came across her site in a google search, but was intrigued by her amazing story-telling skills. I was now curious about the name and purpose of the blog titled “Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline”. So I browsed through the previous blogs until I found the very first one she had written, in January of this year. It was here that I learned that she was married to Todd Smith, singer in the Christian group Selah. For those of you not in the know, Selah sings “God Blessed the Broken Road” which has become mine and Jesse’s song. It was played at our wedding and its lyrics are painted on our bedroom wall. So, to discover that this lady, Angie, was married to this famous singer who sings one of my favorite songs of all time, piqued my interest even more. It was also in this blog, though, that I learned the reason for her site: the discovery that their daughter had something severely wrong with her during Angie’s 20th week of pregnancy. They believed the baby, Audrey Caroline, had an enlarged heart, malfunctioning kidneys and lungs, a lack of amniotic fluid, and was breech, among other things. Some of these conditions weren’t realized until later, but all of them together meant the baby had little chance of ever surviving. In these web pages, chronicling the months that followed, I not only discovered the heart-breaking story of coping with the death of a child who’s not even born yet, but the gut-wrenching faith Angie displayed during this time. To give you a glimpse into the strength God gave her throughout this ordeal, here is how she responded after the initial diagnosis: "I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room." This isn’t to say that she didn’t cry. She probably cried everyday. And she does relay some of her most trying days- days when she couldn’t crawl out of bed- days when she sought any chance to live a normal life with a healthy baby. She prayed repeatedly and believed that God could heal her baby, but had to reconcile that with the reality that this was most likely not the path God had for her.

During the past week, I read every entry written during January, February, and March of this year. I was sitting at work yesterday as I approached the April entries, and read of the birth of this baby, and her short little life- how she was born (6 months ago today) and lived for about 2 hours before passing away.

As another side note: for those who know me well, know that I am an extremely emotional person. Not everyone may know where this stems from, though. I think that God has given me an extremely sympathetic spirit- I feel things DEEPLY! When hearing another person’s story, I don’t just listen to it as “their” story and cognitively think of how it must make them feel. Instead, I really feel it as if it were myself going through the same ordeal. And when I feel anything, I feel it all over. When I get really mad, I get tense all over my body and even shake. When I am really happy, I can feel it all of the way down to my toes and it’s hard to sit still because everything within me wants to jump or dance or something. And when I feel sad, I feel it physically in my heart and my stomach, and it weighs so heavily on me that the only way I know to express it is in tears. And, if I’ve been crying a lot or trying not to, I often get headaches or feel nauseous because of the strenuous toll it takes on my body.

So, in reading through this story, I often cried knowing how deeply I yearn for a baby and imagining going through such a harrowing experience myself. But more than how much my heart broke for the loss of the baby, it yearned to experience the fervent faith in God that Angie had and it grieved for my shortcomings in this area. Probably a defining moment in Angie’s blogs was during a vacation in Ireland, she observed how green the land was and inquired of a guy who lived there as to why. He laughed and replied that it was simply because it rained so much. God revealed to Angie through this that we have to have the rain in order to produce beauty and growth. She quotes a song that MercyMe sings called “Bring the Rain” in which it says:

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me painBut if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain

“If that’s what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain…” I don’t know if I’m ready to summon the rain in my life. I can boldly profess that I will praise God in the storm, but I’m not sure that I can honestly encourage Him to bring the rain.

This idea got me thinking about rain…

Thought #2:
I have a much different understanding of rain now that I live in Oregon rather than in Texas. In Texas, it was cool when it rained. It poured all at once, for as much as up to 3 days, and then it was done. And the rain didn’t come by itself. It was accompanied by dark, booming thunderclouds and brilliant streaks of lightning that filled the sky in a beautiful way. Despite living in Tornado Alley, I was never directly hit by a tornado. We never experienced any major damage from the wind. And I never had any friends who were affected by one. So, I think my appreciation of a storm has been different from someone who suffered great loss during one. In Oregon, on the other hand, the rain falls at a steady drizzling pace for 9 months out of the year. It’s dark and cloudy and wet most of the year. I hate it! The bottom 6 inches of my pants are always wet. My feet are always cold. And I can’t wear my hair down, blow-dried, or straightened for the majority of the year. I was actually astounded to discover, though, that my Texas hometown of Palestine actually gets only .3 inches less of annual rainfall than Eugene, Oregon does. The difference is in how sporadically it appears and how intensely it falls. I then thought of the climate and landscape difference between Texas and Oregon. As much as I absolutely love Texas, and I’ll always be a Texas girl at heart, I live in one of the most beautiful states in the USA now. I can drive an hour in any direction and find beaches, mountains, lakes or rivers, snow, desert, and trees and flowers of every kind. And one of the biggest reasons for this beauty that Texas does not have is the rain… the rain that I so much despise. And then I began to think about the effect that rain has on the land. Places where there is constant water hitting it, like at a waterfall or ocean shore, the rocks are worn smooth or eroded by the water. Whole canyons are created by floodwaters and streams. Tsunamis wipe out entire lands. And each of these begins with a single drop of water, small enough to fit on our fingertips.

(Texas Storm)

(Oregon Rain)

Thought #3:
In addition, more and more I’m seeing how big God really is. I was reading “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell, in which he relays the impossibility of describing God. He starts by telling how important questions are to our faith. He says that all questions are rooted in humility.

“A humility that understands that I am not God. And there is more to know. Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I don’t have to be God and I don’t have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God… The Christian faith is mysterious to the core. It I about things and beings that ultimately can’t be put into words. Language fails. And if we do definitively put God into words, we have at that very moment made God something that God is not…True mystery, the kind of mystery rooted in the infinite nature of God, gives us answers that actually plunge us into even more questions… Truth always leads to more truth. Because truth is insight into God and God is infinite and God has no boundaries or edges… It’s like a pool that you dive into, and you start swimming toward the bottom, and soon you discover that no matter how hard and fast you swim downward, the pool keeps getting deeper. The bottom will always be out of reach… If you study the Bible and it doesn’t lead you to wonder and awe, then you haven’t studies the Bible.”

Thought #4: (Final Thought)
Furthermore, I was reading a daily devotional the other day, which was discussing Mary, the mother of Jesus. When the angel Gabriel appeared to her, she was confused and disturbed. When he told her that she was going to give birth to a son, she didn’t understand how that could possibly be because she was still a virgin. But when the angel said that God had given her favor and chosen her to bear the son of God, she said “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.” To truly recognize how big of a thing this was, it helps to understand the culture that Mary lived in. First of all, in any culture, how crazy would a person look to claim that they got pregnant by God?! For her to declare that she had never had sex but was somehow pregnant?! We’d all agree to put her in a psychiatric ward. In this culture, though, it was more than just crazy; it could ruin her life. First of all, her husband could’ve chosen to divorce her, believing that she had cheated on him. And, in that, she would become an outcast from society. Furthermore, if he wanted to, he could’ve gotten the whole town together and chosen to stone her. She would be publicly murdered for her sin. So, for Mary to know all of these implications of her answer, and to still say, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true,” is an amazing confession of faith.

Conclusion:
God sometimes uses the most difficult situations we can imagine to draw us near to Him. It’s hard enough to sometimes say that you would praise Him in the midst of such a situation. But then to say, “Bring it on,” is a different story. To summon whatever may come to know God a little deeper, to be a little closer to Him, has such intense repercussions to it, and it is something that stirs up dissention within me because it goes against our very human nature to desire peace and calm and health. Maybe we can recognize the prosperity that rain brings, but is it crucial to us enough to ask for the drizzle and dark days? However, if we truly understood how big God really is- how much He truly loves us- and the reality of how amazing it is to be in His presence- then we would know that no storm is so big that it’s not worth it to be near to God. That the things in this life are so temporal compared to the spiritual implications that they produce. And, if we truly recognize this as truth, then we can declare, no matter what the consequences, “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come true.”

As I poured out all of this to Jesse, with tears streaming down my face, I applied it to the infertility we are now facing. I told him how scary it is for me to imagine going through the things that Angie & Todd Smith have gone through with their daughter’s death. The thing I didn’t tell you yet about their story, though, is how many people it has reached and the impact of this little baby’s life. On my blog, I’ve had about 23 views and maybe 2 comments in the year that I’ve been keeping it. Angie has had 41,520 views in the 10 months she’s been writing hers and had 765 comments on her first entry after her daughter’s death. She has had hits from every one of the 50 states and from 90 other countries! Their difficult situation has impacted the world as a testimony for God. Jesse and I have felt for a while and are in agreement that this journey in trying to conceive is not going to be easy for us. It already hasn’t worked out like we planned, but we can see how much God has taught us in this journey and how much closer we are to Him and to each other for going through it. And if the journey ended this month, I think it can be a testimony, as it is, for God to work in people’s lives. But both of us feel very strongly that things are only going to get harder before they get easier. In truth, I don’t really think there is anything wrong with us. In fact, I would actually be shocked to discover that there is something physically wrong with him or me as we go about our fertility testing, but I still think that we may have to go through invasive tests, extensive treatments, or even miscarriages before ever having the baby we dream for. I hope with everything within me that we are wrong. I would be overjoyed if I discovered 2 weeks from now that I am pregnant, and that God pulled through in the 11th hour, but I just don’t think that it’s really going to happen that way. And, if God is purposing such a difficult situation for us, then He must also be doing something REALLY big! And if it’s going to be that amazing, then together we can tearfully and vulnerably say, “Whatever you want, Lord. Bring on the rain.” As I shared my heart with Jesse last night, we both were in complete agreement on the whole situation, both in what God has been speaking to me and in where we stand making this declaration in our lives. And with tears in both of our eyes, we mutually agreed that we were glad we were in it together.

So, hesitantly (but knowing it’s ultimately for my good), I say, “Bring the rain…”

Wednesday, Rain

2008-10-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

These song lyrics just meant a lot to me tonight. I'm not sure if I can say these words with 100% honesty in my heart. But it is my desire to be able to surrender it all- to say that I'm willing to not only endure the drizzle, but to say "Bring it on" to the storms if that's what it takes to praise God.

"Bring the Rain"
by MerceMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Monday, Biblical Lessons

2008-09-29T15:47:00.001-07:00

My biggest struggle in my journey through infertility has been understanding what God is doing up there. It’s the never-ending question of “Why?” I knew that if Jesse and I were doing everything on our end to get pregnant and that God was the One who knits the baby together in its mother’s womb, then it was because of God that we weren’t conceiving. And, yet, I knew that God’s sovereignty meant that He had a bigger purpose in not bringing us a child. But I couldn’t comprehend what that reason may be. So, my sadness and frustration over simply not being pregnant occasionally turned into an anger towards God, blaming him for my lack of conception. It was, after all, His fault, right?

I heard all of the reasons from people around me as to why God may not be allowing me to get pregnant yet. Perhaps Jesse and I weren’t ready yet. But in my mind, how could we be considered “not ready” when we were happily married, financially secure, and owned our own house consisting of 2 bedrooms, but that couple over there who wasn’t even married, or was broke, or lived in a small studio apartment was ready? Maybe we weren’t spiritually ready. But then what about those millions of couples who don’t even believe in God, and they conceive… they’re spiritually ready? So, maybe it just wasn’t God’s timing, right? But no answer would suffice as to why it wasn’t His timing. The closest answer to give me any consolation was that it may not have anything to do at all with myself or Jesse, but maybe it was something in our child’s life that required them to be born at a certain time. I thought of how it took my mom 4 years to get pregnant with me. Had I been born any earlier, I probably would’ve never married Jesse. I’m already 2 years older than he is, so any bigger age gap would’ve probably lended itself to being too much. But as much as that answer made sense, it wasn’t a strong enough response to mend the hurt. I yearned so deeply to have a child- to feel a life growing inside of me- to experience the love between Jesse and I manifested into a tangible, tiny little baby- to look at this kid and see my husband’s eyes or smile in his/her’s. And, so, in my own reasoning, I was left thinking that God was withholding the greatest gift of all from us.

In August, I decided that I wanted to dig deeper into what the Bible says about infertility. So, I simply typed that subject into Google and came across a series of support websites for Christians dealing with infertility. From there, I found examples of stories from the Bible, telling the tales of women throughout history who had experienced the same tears I had. So, I took the examples listed and opened my Bible to read more in depth to each account. Here’s what I found:

Sarai was the wife of Abram. When she was 90 and he was 99 years old, they still had not had a child yet. She was actually way too old- I’m assuming, having gone through menopause already. When God promised Abram that he would bear a son, he couldn’t fathom it. In fact, Abram laughed at the idea! Some time later, God appeared to Abram (now Abraham) again. He said that when he returned in a year, Sarai (now Sarah) would have a son. Sarah overheard this and laughed to herself. The next year, though, Sarah gave birth to Isaac.

Isaac grew up and married Rebekah when he was 40 years old. Genesis 25:21 says, “Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.” Rebekah became pregnant with twins, and you skip down to verse 26, which says, “Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.” That means this answer to prayer was roughly 20 years in the making.

Those two boys, the twins, were Jacob and Esau. Jacob grew up and fell in love with Rachel. So he went to her father and agreed to work for 7 years for her hand in marriage. The scripture says that those 7 years felt like but a few days to Jacob because he loved her so much. On their wedding night, however, Rachel’s father tricked Jacob into sleeping with Rachel’s older sister, Leah, instead. So, Jacob was forced into marrying Leah and manipulated into working another 7 years for Rachel. Genesis 29:31 says, “When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.” Lead had a son and said, “Surely my husband will love me now.” She conceived again and gave birth to another son and said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” She then had a third son and said, “No at last my husband will become attached to me because I have given him 3 sons.” Then she had a 4th son and said, “This time I will praise the Lord,” and it says in verse 35, “Then she stopped having children. The story goes on, though. Rachel became jealous that she was not having any children, so she gave her maidservant over to Jacob so that she could bear children. She ended up having 2 sons with him. Then Leah realized she had stopped having children, so she gave her maidservant to Jacob to sleep with who also bore 2 more sons. Then one night Rachel and Leah make a deal allowing Leah to sleep with Jacob that night, causing Leah to get pregnant and give birth to her 5th son, and shortly later she conceived again and gave birth to a 6th son. Again she got pregnant and had a daughter this time. And, finally, in Genesis 30:22 it says, “Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. 23 She became pregnant and gave birth to a son.” Rachel had to witness her husband bear 11 other children with other women while she remained childless. She was able to go on and have 1 more son later, but died in childbirth.

From there, the next story is found in Judges 13. A man named Zorah had a wife (whose name was never told). She was sterile and remained childless. An angel appeared to her, though, and said that she was going to conceive and have a son who would be set apart for God. When she told her husband, he too wanted to meet this angel and ask him how to raise the boy. God answered this request and the angel appeared to Zorah as well, leaving him instructions about raising this child for God. The last verse says, “The woman gave birth to a boy and named him Samson. He grew and the LORD blessed him.”

Some time later in the Old Testament, the Bible recounts the story of Hannah, probably the most famous story told to infertile women. Hannah was married to a man, Elkanah, who also had another wife, Peninnah. Peninnah had children but Hannah did not. And 1 Samuel 1 describes it as saying “the Lord had closed her womb. So her barrenness was, without doubt, an act of God. Peninnah was a cruel woman, though, and would tease Hannah for being barren. One night, while visiting the temple, Hannah wept and prayed to God. When the priest saw this, he told her to go in peace, and may God grant her what she has asked of Him. Verse 19-20 says, “Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him.”

And, the final story is found in Luke 1. A priest named Zechariah and his wife, Elizabeth, were both upright in the sight of God, observing all of God’s commands blamelessly, but they had no children because Elizabeth was barren and they were both very old. One night, an angel appeared to Zechariah and told him that Elizabeth would give birth to a son. Because of his unbelief, the angel took Zechariah’s voice away until Elizabeth gave birth to John the Baptist and he was circumcised.

Each of these stories revealed a little bit to me about what kinds of things God may have been doing in the Heavenly realm- His thought processes behind each case of infertility. In the first and last cases of Sarah and Elizabeth, both women were too old to physically conceive, and aside from the implications each of their sons had in all of history, I believe that God simply wanted to show His power in their impossible situations. As for me, I figure if God can bring forth a child in a woman who is old and whose reproductive organs no longer even work, then He can bring for a child in me when I am at the prime of my reproductive years.

In the cases of Rebekah and of Hannah, I believe that it was the result of others’ prayers that brought about God’s answer. Remember the story of the walls of Jericho brought down by Joshua’s army. His army was instructed by God to walk around the city walls each day 1 time. They did this for 6 days. Then, on the 7th day, God said to walk around the city 7 times, and on the 7th time, to blow their trumpets and make noise. Without doing anything else, the walls fell down after the 7th time. You see, though, God didn’t need the army to do this in order to make the walls fall down. In fact, their marching and noise didn’t physically do anything to the walls. However, God chose to work in this way to bring about His miracle. Likewise, it’s not that God needs our prayers, whether mine or someone else’s on my behalf, to bring about a baby. However, this may be how He chooses to work.

I just hope it doesn’t take me 20-60 years to receive my answer… J

In the story of Samson’s mother and father, I believe that God simply was bringing Samson into a time in history where He wanted to use him. Which could go back to the reason I gave before about my child’s birth being more about their timing than mine.

And, finally, in the story of Rachel and Leah, I believe it is clear that Leah’s children were given to her in compensation for her loveless marriage, while Rachel remained childless, but had the utmost love and devotion from her husband. As I said before, Rachel had to witness the births of 11 other children while she remained childless. I understand what it feels like to watch so many women around me give birth while I don’t, but I am comforted a bit to know that at least these other women aren’t having children with my husband! Furthermore, I have watched many other people around me get pregnant and wondered why when their marriages seemed to be in shambles or they weren’t even married in the first place, while I am more than happily married to my husband. Yet, this story showed me that perhaps some people are given children by God to compensate for something else in their lives that is missing. And because I have a fantastic marriage, then I may not need a child like they do right now.

In all of these stories, God does answer their prayers and each woman is given a child. There is no story described in the Bible in which a couple remains childless. However, I have to remember that just because it happened in these ways in these stories does not mean that God always responds that way, and perhaps He may have a different reason or be doing something different in me. In short, though, I still find comfort in having a glimpse into what God could be doing in my situation.

Furthermore, in another book I was reading, the author stated that trusting in God for a specific outcome to a situation really isn’t trust at all. It’s really hoping or wishing. Instead, to trust God means to trust that He is sovereign and good in every situation, including my present one. He is good in my infertility and He is good if I remain infertile or if I don’t. It’s not easy to lay aside my wishes and expectations, but I believe this above idea is true. Therefore, when I find myself upset with where I am or wanting to get to a certain place, I must remind myself of this again.

In the end, I feel that I have come to a much better place in reconciling my faith with my situation. It doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t ache at times and that I don’t get caught up in my own emotional confusion. But after 10 months of infertility, I finally have a peace in knowing that God IS doing something, even if I’m not sure what it is…

Sunday, Waiting

2008-09-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Friday I got the results of my progesterone test back. They said that my levels are both high enough to conceive and to withstain a pregnancy. It's basically what I expected. Taking the ovulation tests and my basal body temperature every month shows me that I do, in fact, ovulate. And the fact that my temperature stays up from the time I ovulate to the time my next cycle starts (caused by the progesterone released) made me pretty sure that the level was high enough. The only thing that a low progesterone level for me might have explained is why my cycle is so short. It could mean that there isn't enough time for a fertilized egg to implant before the next cycle starts. However, now knowing that my progesterone levels are sufficient, then this obviously is not the problem.

So, the next step is just to wait for my appointment with Dr. York (the OB-GYN) scheduled for October 27th. When I have that appointment, then I will be able to talk to her about the next steps in the process.
For now I just wait.

Wednesday, Blessings and Anticipations

2008-09-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

So, some of this is kinda graphic information, but I decided that it is important for other people to understand what infertility means and what one has to go through to deal with it. If it's too uncomfortable for you to read, that's up to your discretion, but for those who want to know, here it is:

Today I got a call from Dr. York's office (the OB-GYN) to set up an appointment with her. I can't get in for an annual exam until December, but can get in earlier to talk to Dr. York about getting pregnant. I have an appointment scheduled for October 27th to do so. I'm still waiting on a call back from Dr. Balsom's office about the results of my progesterone test. After scheduling the appointment, I began to research online the types of tests that I may have to undergo. The one that Dr. Balsom mentioned yesterday seems extremely uncomfortable now that I have discovered what it is. It is called a hysterosalpingogram. Basically, they make you empty your bladder and bowels (by means of suppositories or laxatives, if necessary). Then, you lay without any clothes on, on your back with your legs in the air, as they insert an iodine dye into you. They then watch this dye on an X-Ray to watch how it flows through your uterus and your fallopian tubes. This will reveal if there are any blockages or a reason why the egg is not implanting in your uterus. In addition to being a bit uncomfortable, physically, causing a bit of stomach cramping, it also is obviously extremely uncomfortable emotionally. Realizing what an invasive process this procedure is hit me kinda hard today.

I realized that each test will only lead to more and more tests, regardless of the result of each. If my progesterone test comes back as too low, then I have to undergo treatments to increase it or counter-act it. If it comes back as high enough, then I have to go through with the hysterosalpingogram to see if that is the problem instead. Furthermore, if it comes back showing no blockage, then I have to go through the next test which may be one that tests the quality of cervical fluid to make sure it isn't harmful to the sperm. It is easy to think that going to the doctor and getting a test or receiving a specific treatment is as easy as having blood drawn and taking a pill, but the reality is that each test and procedure gets more and more invasive. Before this, trying to conceive has been in the comfort of my own bedroom, but now I'll be putting myself in extremely vulnerable positions, some painful or uncomfortable side effects, and dealing with the emotional process of it all on top of that.

I am extremely grateful for the ability to go through this step at this point in the process. I feel blessed to have an insurance that will contribute to much of the costs when most insurance companies don't pitch in a single dime. The past year has been difficult as I have described my struggle to people who simply don't understand. The responses have been mixed- from those who feel extremely sympathetic and pray for me to those who brush off my concerns with misleading advice. And, regardless of how much they care, none of these people can correct the problem. Even if the doctors conclude, after a series of tests, that nothing is wrong, then at least we know that rather than continuing to wonder if some unknown problem is hindering our conception.

So, while I'm a bit nervous of what the upcoming months may bring, I'm thankful for all of the possibilities it entails. And I'll keep you updated as to what happens...

Tuesday, Stepping Stones

2008-09-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

I went to my doctor's office (Dr. Balsom) for a check up on a minor earache. The pain or discomfort wasn't so bad, but because of my chronic ear infections growing up, I wanted to make sure that it wasn't worse than what it seemed. Meanwhile, this is the same doctor Jesse and I saw in April concerning having a baby, so I figured we could do a follow-up appointment since I'm still not pregnant. In addition to that, I called an OB-GYN (Dr. York) today to get set up as a new patient, but they said that I might need a referal to become a patient for her. I specifically wanted Dr. York, too, because she comes highly recommended by others I know who go to her, and she also shares a clinic with the only infertility specialist within 200 miles, Dr. Austin, so if I ended up going to him, I'd be going to the same clinic.

So, while I almost cancelled my appointment since my ear was not really that bad, I figured it was worth it to go just to ask about the fertility issues. So, after my initial check up for my ear, Dr. Balsom began to ask about where we were at in our fertility process. I reminded him that we had been there in April and were yet to get pregnant. At this point, if I don't get pregnant this month, we will begin cycle 14 and month 12 of trying to conceive- and a year of not getting pregnant is defined as infertility. His first response was to make sure that I am ovulating. The fact that I take my Basal Body Temperature (a common method in trying to conceive) everyday shows that I do in fact ovulate, and taking ovulation predictor tests show when I am about to ovulate. He asked about how long my cycles are and when during the cycle I ovulate. From here, he said that the first steps to take to determine if something is wrong or not is to start examining my reproductive system and making sure there isn't something abnormal. We can tell, so far, that the egg is at least being released. But there could be some reason why its not travelling down the falopian tubes or a reason it's not making it to my uterus. This examination is called a hysterosalpingogram. In addition, they can also test my hormone levels and make sure they are correct as well. They can also do a really simple sperm analysis on Jesse to make sure that things are good on his side of it all.

Dr. Balsom said that because of where I'm at in my current cycle, it is actually the perfect time to have a blood test which tests my progesterone levels, and they could do it right then and there in the clinic. So he wrote up a lab order for me to have my blood drawn. He also sent in a referral to Dr. York and talked like he knew her personally and thought she was a great OB-GYN to go to. As we get the results of some of the tests and begin seeing Dr. York, then we will have more direction with where to proceed from here.

I hope to hear back within the next few days about my blood test as well as receive a call from Dr. York's office about becoming a patient there. They said, initially, that it could take a minimum of 6 weeks to get into her office, but I'm not sure how Dr. Balsom's referral will affect that time. More than anything, though, I'm relieved that we can finally start getting some answers and do something different than what we've been doing for the last year.
While nothing has changed physically with our trying to conceive journey, a lot has changed mentally and spiritually. Often, I've wanted to write about the things God has been teaching me, but it seems like too much to write about. To start with, I began doing a study about a month and half ago about infertility in the Bible. I discovered that there are many more accounts than the ones of Hannah or Sarah that we typically hear about. I also learned much more about what God was doing behind the scenes in each couple's lives. For instance, some women were barren as a way for God to reveal his power in their impossible situations. In one story, one woman's fertility was compensation for her loveless marriage, while the wife who was loved remained infertile because she had her husband's undying love. In other stories, it was a result of faithful prayer that led to a child for the infertile couple. So much before, I struggled with understanding what it meant about God for us to be childless. However, these stories helped me to understand why God may be allowing it in our lives. I also began to find infertility support groups for Christians, and verses of encouragement to post around me as reminders.

I have also been reading a few things which have brought out some new ways of thinking about things which have really helped, such as recognizing my difficult/impossible situations as not saying that God is good despite the situation, but as actually proving that God is good. Also, they enable God to redefine what impossible really is. Furthermore, to trust in God means that I am trusting in who He is- that He is good, not trusting in Him to respond to my situation in a specific way. If I am expecting a certain outcome, I am not really trusting Him. I am, instead, hoping and wishing for Him. So, when it comes to infertility, I can't trust God to bring me a child. This means that I am really only hoping and wishing for Him to intervene this way. Instead, to truly trust in Him would be to trust that He is good no matter what. He is good in my infertility, and He is good no matter what happens. And, if I am infertile now, then it is God's best for me now, and if He brings me a child later, then it is His best for me then. Meanwhile, I just have to seek Him in where I'm at, for His best for me today may change tomorrow.

In the midst of it all, I still struggle, but it's not the same as where I was before. I get discouraged when I browse through my friends' profiles on myspace and see so many pregnancies, ultrasound pics, and newborn baby pics. Sometimes I have to abstain from putting myself in a place where it brings up too many emotions. And I get tired of trying for so long without seeing any results. I wonder how much longer I'll have to try and when, if ever, I'll get what my heart desires. It still makes me sad when I discover I'm not pregnant again, but it doesn't get me down as far and I can find encouragement again much quicker. Today, before getting off work, I found myself getting discouraged about my infertility before even finding out whether I'm pregnant this month or not. It was a feeling of defeat that came before even knowing if the defeat was real or not. In response to this, though, I posted verses of encouragement all around my desk. I'll end with this, my favorite one right now:

Habakkuk 3:17-18 "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; $even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Saturday, Wait

2008-08-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

I found this poem online, but it really spoke to me.

WAIT
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

©Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, Map Anyone?

2008-06-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

I could use one about now. It's kinda like having a map that you hope leads to treasure, but you've lost the other half of the map and aren't sure where the treasure is buried. You know something has got to be on the other side, but have no clue which way to head next and which tools you'll need to use along the way.

I'm feeling a little lost on several things in my life right now. The first, and less complicated one, is concerning my job. I'm feeling pretty worn out at the Teen Center now. After 3 years of being there, I'm feeling as if it's about time to move on. I've been really irritated with different aspects of my job lately. Each day when I walk in, I'm not sure how things are going to be. My supervisor, whom I enjoy very much, has been on maternity leave for 4 months now, and was out of the office quite a bit the few months preceding her leave. She spent this time training an interim supervisor to fill her place while she was gone, a woman who I have come to also enjoy working with. But the very fact that my real supervisor is gone and that the other is temporarily filling her place has left us confused when it comes to running our program. People just handle their jobs differently and each woman has different expectations regarding the way we work. Sometimes it seems as if we cannot get a direct answer about a situation simply because our current temporary supervisor doesn't know the answer, or we end up kinda getting in trouble because the way we were used to doing things isn't the way this supervisor is used to having things done. Furthermore, there are many new limits concerning the spending of money in the budget, the miles we are allowed to travel on field trips, and an urgency to raise our numbers of patrons due to undisclosed reasons. Each day when I walk in, I'm not sure how many kids will be there, how they will be behaved, if we will be able to implement our planned activities, if we will be in trouble for something we did, or if there will be a new rule or duty we have to begin doing. Some days I come in thinking, "I love my job and I can't imagine leaving it," and other days, like the previously mentioned ones, I'm ready to quit on the spot.

I have been searching for a new job for over a month now, partly due to these above reasons, but mostly because Jesse and I have just bought a house and need the extra income. I began looking for a nanny or child care position, but after 2 interviews that went nowhere, I have begun to realize that there are many people in this area seeking that kind of position and not as many people who need such a caregiver. While I am highly qualified, there's no telling how long it'll take to find just the right person I could work for. And I have to be picky about this because I must work certain hours and days, for a certain amount of hours, and earn a particular amount of money. After this realization, I began looking for other positions that I could work in. I'm really picky about where I want to work. I don't want to work 40 hours a week in a job that I'd hate simply because I need the money. I, more than anything, want a job that utilizes my passions- a place I would look forward to working at. I have applied to several positions as teacher's assistants at local elementary and middle schools and have yet to hear back from them (although one application was just turned in today and another will be later this week). I also applied to a job as a secretary in the hospital, my friend Camron's current job after he transfers to the new hospital. However, I have yet to hear back from that as well, and he has said that the HR department seems to be having problems with the applications. It seems like I've applied to quite a few jobs, though, and search everyday, but have not made any progress at all.

I feel like I'm running out of time and options and have no idea what job I will have by the end of the summer. It's kinda a scary thing. I've been so secure in my job for 3 years now, and it's hard to put yourself out there in interviews and learn a new environment and job task you are not familiar with.

On another note, Jesse and I have been trying to have a baby for 10 cycles now, in a total of 7 months. While the 7 months, itself, isn't all that long to be trying for a baby, since my cycles are so short, it means that during this time we have had 10 times of trying to have a baby only to be disappointed and heartbroken that it has not happened yet. And, while a doctor would not consider us to have infertility issues yet, other couples with longer cycles could have had the same amount of attempts at conceiving as I have had in a 12-month period. Does that all make sense, so far? So, after failing to get pregnant again, for the 10th time, this month, Jesse and I decided it was worth it to begin discussing our options with a doctor and see if there was an initial testing we could do right now. We found that it would be relatively easy to take several tests which could eliminate or uncover possible problems, and that we wouldn't have to wait at all to take these steps, but could begin the process right now. So, after emailing back and forth to the fertility center in Portland (about 2 hours away), I called today to set up a consultation. We were planning on doing an over-the-phone consultation with a doctor to avoid driving the two hours for a meeting, but discovered that no insurance covers the phone consultation and it would cost over $300 just to have this conversation. However, our insurance might cover some expenses if we drove up there and met in the office. So, Jesse called our insurance company to find out what they covered at all concerning fertility tests and treatments. It turns out that they don't cover anything at all. Not a single penny!!! I wasn't horribly surprised, but extremely disappointed. This means that everything we do would have to be paid out of pocket, which is something we can't afford at the moment (especially since I can't find a job!).

So that leaves us a little lost as to what to do next. The first option is to just wait and allow the conception to happen naturally. The second option is to go ahead with fertility testing and treatments and pay it all out of pocket. On one hand, we may save ourselves hundreds of dollars by foregoing the tests and conceiving naturally. However, on the other hand, if there is something wrong that is preventing conception, we may be causing ourselves a lot of heartache and disappointment by continuing to try to no avail. With the second option, though, we may be costing ourselves a ton of unnecessary money by testing for something that doesn't exist if we conceive naturally on our own within months. However, if we discovered that something was wrong through the testing, it'd be worth it to know for sure. And if it's a matter of us having a baby or not, money doesn't seem like it should matter. And if we don't do the testing now, how long is a sufficient amount of time to wait before testing becomes necessary? I wish I just knew if there was anything we needed to be concerned about or if we will for sure conceive naturally, so that I would know what the wise decision was to make!!! I just feel utterly confused about it all!!!

We've been praying about it all a lot, hoping for any peace of mind or direction on the choices we need to make, but don't have an ounce of security or direction yet. And the stress concerning it all is really beginning to build on us. Each of our frustrations with our jobs, the concerns about our future jobs, wondering how our finances will all work out, and struggling through the fertility issues in the midst of it has left both of us at our wit's end. My eye twitches a lot and both of us are short on patience, causing more bickering between each other than we've had before or want in our marriage. It all causes a lot of tears and questions with no answers. In the end, we know that we have to keep seeking God and support each other in love. So we cry together, and hold each other close, and pray together, seeking counsel and strength, and wait... for any possible lead on where God wants us to go. Sure would be nice to have the other half of the map, though.

Wednesday, Confusion

2008-05-21T22:17:00.001-07:00

I just don't get it! I'm still awaiting the arrival of my period, either coming tomorrow or the next day. So I decided to take a pregnancy test since I'm just days away and my stomach has been in total knots for the past 3-5 days. Well, once again, the test came back negative. it doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm now approaching the 9th month of trying to get pregnant. I NEVER thought it'd take this long. In fact, I used to be scared to have pre-marital sex because I had this intense feeling that I was going to get pregnant the very first time I had sex. I had people placing bets that I would get pregnant on my honeymoon or within the first 4 months and I thought they were most likely right. Now, I'm just weeks away from my 1 year anniversary and nowhere closer to having a baby.

During the time that I have been trying, I have watched countless women declare their blessings. The ones that drive me nuts the most are those who weren't even trying or got pregnant on the first try. At my church, there are currently 3 women who are pregnant, all of which who began trying after I did. The first is my cousin who began trying the same month I did. She didn't think it worked the first month and tried again the 2nd, receiving a positive result. As it turns out, she actually was pregnant the first month and didn't know it. The second woman got pregnant actually before I started trying, but she was not happy about it considering that her youngest child was only about 5 months old. It was just really soon and she wasn't thrilled about it. She, then, had a miscarriage and seemed perfectly okay with it. That ate me up inside. Here she was upset about being pregnant and relieved by the miscarriage when she had what I wanted so badly. As it turns out, she ended up pregnant again the very next month, but kept it a secret until just weeks ago when she revealed not only that she was pregnant but that she was also having a girl! That means she's now gotten pregnant twice in the amount of time that I've been trying. The very next week, the 3rd woman announced she was pregnant as well. She had told me long ago that she'd probably start trying in March. I was just about to ask her if they had begun and how things were going when she announced that she was pregnant. That means that she got pregnant the first month as well. All of these women already have kids, and while the first and the last only have one kid each, both approaching 2-3 years old, it's hard to watch them so easily get pregnant when I struggle through it.

I don't get it, and I feel totally lost about it all.

To Let You All Know

2008-05-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

So far I have kept this blog private. As I have struggled with trying to conceive, I have recorded many of my deepest thoughts and fears, when I didn't know how to express them to those around me. The previous entries have so far been concealed, figuring that no one was going to read this anyway, and that most people may not even want to. I also hoped that once I got pregnant, I would have a record of everything I went through to get there. When my children were teenagers, I could look back at what I had written so long ago and know that it had all been worth it.

I don't write these entries for anyone else. So I'm not hiding anything. Sometimes there may be too much information since it wasn't written for others to read. I don't make any apologies. I just figure that you should know the context it was written in.

I'm choosing now to open some of the blogs as public, figuring that it actually makes it easier to deal with when others know how difficult of a time I am having going through it. I will probably make the previous ones public as time goes on.

More than anything, I want these blogs to allow others to understand what it is like to struggle with infertility, and hopefully make those who don't deal with it more sympathetic.

Wednesday, Good News

2008-04-16T17:44:00.000-07:00

Jesse and I went to see our family doctor today. I had heard before that before a couple starts trying to have a baby, they should consult their doctor in case they needed to get in better health or needed advice about the steps to take to begin trying to conceive. Jesse and I have intended to do this for months, but have kept putting it off. Now that it's been 7 months of trying, we decided it was definitely time to consult the doc just to discuss our progress so far. He first of all told us that we are doing everything perfectly. Everything that we should be doing, we are, including taking the right vitamins and being aware of our most fertile times. He didn't seem to think that our family histories of infertility should be an issue with us. And he felt very optimistic that I should be pregnant within a couple of months. What I appreciated the most was that he thoroughly explained everything and took our questions seriously and respectfully. Instead of telling us that we were silly for worrying about anything or simply stating, "Just keep trying", he explained how each of our concerns realistically affected us and assured us that everything I was telling him about our experience is exactly what it's supposed to be, and knowing that should mean that we should be able to conceive soon...

Tuesday, Best of Intentions

2008-04-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

[Edit] This blog was originally written and posted on my myspace profile. The previous blogs were all written in my private journal, so no one had ever read them, but many people knew I had been struggling with trying to have a baby. So I posted this for them.

As many of you know, Jesse and I have been trying for some time now to have a baby. And many of you know, as well, that this has been a very difficult process for us. What most don't realize is truly how difficult is has been. It is a whirlwind of emotions, to say the least. We have done absolutely everything that we know how to make it happen, and while we know that we are still in the normal realm of conceivable time frames, there are still many questions that arise in the process. A normal person, with no fertility problems, has a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant each month just by not using birth control. More than 50% of couples conceive within 3 months. And this increases to a 75% chance of conceiving after 6 months without birth control. When you are actively trying by charting your fertility information including taking ovulation tests and recording your temperature everyday, and timing everything at the right time of your cycle, your chances of getting pregnant go up even more. This means that now having been trying for 7 months and doing all of the fertility charting, we have more than a 75% chance of getting pregnant, and yet we still haven't. And all of the statistics in the world don't mean that we won't be one of those couples who simply can't have a baby at all. There's nothing you can do to promise me that it will for sure happen.

We can rationalize that everything is still in a normal time frame and accept it, but our confusion grows even more considering that we have infertility issues on both sides of our families. It took my mom 4 years to get pregnant and she ended up having a miscarriage the first time, before getting pregnant with me. It took Jesse's dad 10 years to get his wife pregnant with Michael and when trying to have a baby with his second wife years later, he was diagnosed with specific fertility problems. Not knowing how these factors affect us or how long it will take us, brings fear into the situation. Yes, we've only been trying for 7 months, but that adds fear when we realize that it could take up to 10 years for it to actually happen. I can't imagine going through this 113 more times (which is equal to the number of months remaining to sum up to 10 years)!

And, despite how normal everything may be right now, that doesn't change the heartache I go through every single month. My weeks are spent calculating the most fertile times, doing everything accordingly, and then anticipating the arrival of an answer to discover if our efforts worked this time around. And, each month when the pregnancy test turns up negative or I face that time of the month, my heart sinks in absolute disappointment. I can't even describe the emotion. I can feel it physically. It's a sinking, crushing feeling- that everything I've been anticipating just came crumbling down. I spend some time in the following days sobbing, in utter confusion and sadness and then try to put myself together and move on. The truth is that while it is something that is always on the back of my mind, I live my life apart from it. I spend my days doing what I want to do. I do crafts and work on my house and go to work and enjoy my time with my husband. It's not something that generally interferes with my happiness and my ability to live life. And each time something threatens my peace about it, I have to deal with it, collect my emotions again, and move on again. It's a daily process. And I find things on a regular basis that cause me to question and bring up everything I'm holding internally. The hardest of these things being the discovery that one more of my friends is now pregnant, especially those who have been married less time than I have or those who were not even trying. As excited as I am for them, the overwhelming flood of sadness that comes over me can't even be described. But, once again, I process it and deal with it and move on.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!!!

But I write this blog not to pour out my heartache in the process, but to address those who are trying to encourage me in the process. I know that your intentions are well-meaning, I love each one of you and appreciate your concern, but your advice and "encouragement" often makes me feel like crap. I'm tired of brushing it off and allowing it to go on in ignorance.

First of all, stop telling me to stop worrying or stop stressing! It doesn't work that way. I can't just be like, "Oh ok, because you said it, I can let go of every emotion i feel and move on without any concern." In addition to that, as I previously said, it doesn't affect my ability to live my life. I make a very conscious effort to not stress out about everything. In fact, I am the least stressed that I have been in years. I am no longer working two jobs and going to school full-time while writing hundreds of pages of essays (literally), babysitting my little cousins, and planning a wedding or baby shower at the same time. I have things relatively very easy right now and LOVE the life i am living.

Secondly, stop telling me to trust in God. I am trying to trust in God with everything I have in me. And it's a continual process to trust. With every doubt, I have to declare that I know God is in control and surrender to Him again. And knowing that He is in control doesn't alleviate the questions. In fact, it presents more questions than it ever answers, causing me to wonder why He hasn't blessed us with a baby yet, why He may be withholding from us. It causes me to question God's character and to dig deeper to discover the truth about who He is and what that means for my situation, in turn.

Third, don't tell me that we should stop trying and just enjoy our time together or wait until we've been married longer. We've been married nearly a year now, and our decision to have a baby was one with much thought and consideration. We have an amazing marriage. I love my husband so much and we want more than anything to bring a baby into our marriage, that our love will overflow into loving this child and bringing them up to honor God. I can't help feeling that with the love that we feel for each other, that there is a missing piece in our lives. And Jesse has expressed the same feelings. He wants a baby as much as I do, he just expresses it in a different way. Regardless, our decision is our business, not your's.

And finally, please don't tell me the experiences of every person you've ever known when trying to conceive. Most of the time, the stories are from polar opposite ends of the spectrum. On one end, you have a person who didn't try at all or got pregnant while trying to do everything they could to prevent it. And on the other end, you have the person who tried for 10 years to have a baby, ended up with a still-born baby, only to try 5 more years for a baby. Trust me, I've heard it. The first end of the spectrum leaves me feeling like something is wrong with me, that it didn't happen for me so easily. In contrast, the other side scares me, making me fear that i too may end up like them- that the frustration and pain I am going through now will carry on for years to come. Instead, it's much more helpful for someone to say that they tried between 5-8 months and conceived normally after that amount of time, letting me know that where I'm at is still normal. Or, even better, is to keep your stories to yourself. I recognize that every person and every situation is different. Some people conceive without any work while others must try for a long amount of time. Some need other assistance while others can do it naturally. Therefore, allow me to be my individual situation or only give me examples that may actually aid in my attempts, such as "this worked for this couple, have you tried it or could you?"

I don't want this to be a complete bash on everyone who's ever tried to give me comfort or advice. Instead, I simply couldn't go on sitting silently as you go on saying things that truly only end up hurting me. While I know that you want to help, I also know that many of you may have no idea what to say. So here's what you can do that is helpful:

First of all, tell me that you are sorry I am going through this. If, in contrast, you try to convince me that I have nothing to worry about, it makes me feel as if my confusion and heartache is invalid. By acknowledging that I am going through something and that you are sorry, tells me that my feelings are legitimate and that you care that I'm hurting.

Secondly, let me know that you're here for me if I do need to talk about it or if I don't. I want to know that I can turn to you without fear of burdening you or of ending up feeling worse than I already did.

Third, tell me that you are praying for me and let me know that you truly are. It doesn't help if you just say it and I don't see any evidence of it afterwards. If you want to, and the situation is appropriate, offer to pray with me right then. I have believed for years that the most loving thing you can do is pray for someone. it says to me that you care so much about me that you are willing to take my needs before the only one who can meet them.

Next, tell me that you are excited to see God answer those prayers. Look to the future optimistically. Be careful with this, though. It's different than trying to convince me that it'll happen someday. Instead, it acknowledges where I'm at now and offers hope rather than denying how I feel and trying to convince me that I'm wrong. I don't know if that's clear to you, but there's a difference. One way to do this is simply to talk to me about my future plans with my kids. Ask me what names I've picked out, what decor I want for their nurseries, how far apart I want their ages to be. I've thought all of this through and have hopes and aspirations for my future children. By discussing it, it makes me feel optimistic that it will happen someday.

Finally, just be there for me. Most of the time, as long as you acknowledge that I was talking to you and that you heard me, you don't NEED to say anything. Put your arm around me, hold my hand, pat my leg- something that just says that you care and that you're here for me, without necessarily saying anything at all. You can even verbally say that you're there for me if I need anything. It's simply comforting to know that I have a support system around me full of people that truly love me.

In the end, I know that each of you truly does care. I just think that often people who have either never experienced it or don't remember how hard it was don't realize that the things they say can be offensive or cause more questions. Many of the things I listed are the exact same things that others who struggle with infertility say they've heard as well. So i figured that speaking up would hopefully alleviate the problems in the future. Hopefully, in a couple of weeks, I can proudly announce that the issue is resolved and that my fears are gone due to an answer to prayer. Meanwhile, I know that you mean well, so here's what I'm dealing with and the support I need.

P.S. There are a select few who really have been very helpful. I appreciate your love and support. Thanks for being there when I needed you.

Monday, Feeling Hopeful

2008-03-17T22:08:00.000-07:00

When Jesse and I first decided to begin trying to have a baby at the end of December, I had already been off of birth control for a month. To begin our attempt at conceiving, Jesse and I simply continued to have sex without the use of birth control with a slight knowledge about average ovulation patterns. In January, armed with much more knowledge of fertility, I began charting my period dates and dates of intercourse on an online fertility calender. Mid-February, I began taking ovulation tests and added this information to my fertility calender. What made it really difficult, though, was that every ovulation test I took came up with a negative result. At the beginning of March, I began taking my basal body temperature as another means of testing fertility. And by mid-March, I bought a male fertility kit for Jesse in order to test his sperm count and mobility. We decided to hold off on his test, though, while I was potentially most fertile and test him later in my cycle when I wouldn't be fertile. Finally, though, after taking 27 days worth of ovulation tests, I got a positive result TODAY!!! I was so excited. At least I have conclusive evidence that I do ovulate and have the potential to get pregnant. And being able to know what day adds so much possibility to the potential I have of getting pregnant. In addition, I had sex twice yesterday and then again today which greatly increases my chances of conceiving. Furthermore, I found out that, statistically, 50% of couples get pregnant within 3 months of trying, 75% get pregnant within 6 months, and 80-90% get pregnant within a year. That means that I have a 75% chance of getting pregnant within the next 2 weeks. So, discovering my ovulation date and having sex near and on that day makes me that much more hopeful that I will indeed conceive really soon!!! Here's crossing my fingers and hoping for the best!!!

Monday, Bleh

2008-02-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

Well, after taking a negative pregnancy test last Thursday, I had a slight hope that I still may be pregnant and was anticipating the arrival of my period to come on Tuesday. As it turned out, I started my period Saturday, instead, a whole 3 days early! I've handled it fairly well thus far, but there's an overall kind of sadness in dealing with it. I just feel like no one can offer me any kind of assurance that I will eventually get pregnant and, especially, WHEN that'll ever happen. And, in the midst of it all, I find myself surrounded by reminders of my baby-less-ness on a regular basis. I find it hard to listen to Kaela complain about the misery of her pregnancy when I'd give anything to be where she is now. I find it hard to sit side-by-side with Jolyn everyday and plan her shower as we discuss everything baby. And I find it hard to read the blogs written by an old school friend who recounts the details of her pregnancy. Everything hit me really hard tonight when I read her blog to discover that she wants to name her son Josiah (just like I do) and her daughter's middle name Grace (just like me again). I just felt this tension rise up in me knowing that she didn't even want to get pregnant. She wasn't trying to- in fact, she was trying not to. And now she has exactly what I want and plans to name her kids the same as me. It's not that I care much what she names them. I'll probably never even see them and we have no mutual friends. However, it's a reminder of what I don't have- no son to name Josiah, no daughter whose middle name is Grace. In addition, I tried to watch the Tyra Banks show today only to find that the topic was teenage pregnancies. I couldn't watch anymore after listening to the young girls describe getting pregnant and either choosing to abort their babies or give them up for adoption. Here are these young girls who were having sex outside of marriage and then choosing to get rid of their babies. I had to turn the channel. I couldn't stand it.

I feel like I've done everything in my power to get pregnant and I constantly am told stories of people who both get pregnant the very first time and those who have to wait years and years to get pregnant- neither of which are very encouraging. The first makes me wonder what's wrong with me and the second fills me with fear that I may struggle through the same trials. I know that every single person has a completely different story and experience. I'm terrified to not know what mine is, though. My heart aches for it so much and I feel absolutely torn that I don't know what's going to happen.

Supposedly, in about a week Jesse and I are going to set up an appointment with our doctor just to discuss our attempt to conceive and get some feedback. While I hope that it gives me a peace of mind, I worry that my fears won't be taken seriously since it hasn't been all that long that we've been trying. That, in the end, we'll just be told to keep trying with no assurance of how long it'll take. In short, I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I want SO much to conceive a baby and I'm absolutely frightened that it'll take a long and emotion time to even come to pass, and possibly, never happen at all. I try to give it to God and trust that He's in control, but despite knowing it in my head, my heart still aches. It's as if the two don't communicate with each other and I can't deny the pain and fear.

Thursday, Disappointment

2008-02-07T22:00:00.000-08:00

Last night Jesse and I climbed into the bathtub together for a relaxing soak and some intimate time alone together. As we began to talk, we discussed the things that have been on our mind lately. Jesse's first assumption was that my thoughts have been consumed by baby issues. I told him that while it has been on my mind a lot, it's not the only thing. However, I did share my thoughts about it. Then Jesse tells me that he has actually been thinking about having a baby a lot. He said that he is ready to be a dad. He looks forward to coming home from work and seeing his baby. He even imagined a scenario about raising a kid and had named his son Josiah, just like we had discussed. He said that he really wants me to be pregnant. I, of course, do too. I began to sob as I described how much I want it. I told him that as much as I hate being sick and throwing up, I'd be willing to throw up everyday for the next 9 months in order to have a baby in the end. I told him that I'd be willing to push a 10 pound baby out of my vagina if it means that I can keep that baby when it's all over. I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother, and now that I am a wife, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love being married and I love Jesse. I have fun with him and I love being in his arms and spending every day with him. It just feels like something is missing- like it could be so much better adding a baby to the picture.

As today approached, I debated whether I should go ahead and take a pregnancy test. Being 5 days before my period, I faced the possibility that it was too early for the test to detect the pregnancy hormone and I'd end up disappointed by a false negative. However, I feared more that if I waited until Tuesday for my period to start, the anxiety would increased more and more and the disappointment would be that much harder after so many days. Waking up today, I still wasn't sure if I was going to test or not. After waking up, though, I had the sudden intense urge to test. As the results appeared, my heart sunk once again to read the negative results. I got ready to go and left to pick up Jaydon from school. I called my mom on the way and cried the whole time I described the results and my feelings about it all. While she tried to comfort me, I felt helpless knowing that there is nothing anyone can do to assure me that it'll eventually happen. I can do everything I can physically possible and yet I still can't make the sperm fertilize the egg, and therefore, end up with nothing. I have so many questions for God and about Him concerning the situation. I don't understand why it seems as though he's withholding this wonderful gift from me. The Bible says that children are a gift from the Lord and that God opens and shuts the womb. So, why am I not receiving the gift? Why is my womb still shut? To top it all off, I had to spend the rest of the day making baby shower invitations with my 7-month pregnant friend, finishing my gift for my 7-month pregnant boss's baby, and attending her baby shower along with 5 co-workers who have recently had babies and constantly discussed the recent birth of another co-worker's baby and how no one else was pregnant at Willamalane. I was running around crazy all day working my butt off for other people's babies while stuffing down my depression about my own situation. I came home and collapsed in Jesse's arms with tears streaming down my face. He just held me as I described the events of my day and the emotions surrounding them. Jesse told me that he talked to his boss after receiving my text message that I wasn't pregnant. His boss described his own experiences trying to conceive and talked about praying after each time they had sex. I like that idea a lot but a part of me fears that it'll be that much harder if it seems that God is not answering my prayers. We also talked about setting up an appointment with our doctor to simply let him know we're trying to conceive and get some feedback. I don't think I've fully expressed my hurt about everything yet, but am not ready to have a complete meltdown because it just takes so much out of me. Meanwhile, there's a slight possibility that I really did take the test too early. According to the box, 60% of women get an accurate positive test 4 days before their period. That means that 40% get false negatives 4 days before their period and it gets more accurate the closer you get to your period date. That also means that 5 days before your period, the test would appear to be even less accurate- possibly more than 40% of people would get the wrong results. Therefore, I could possibly be one of those people, but won't know for at least 4 more days. I feel as if I can't bank on it, though, because it's never been so previously and I don't want to get my hopes up to only be dashed again within days.

So, as for now, I sit broken-hearted with an eensy amount of hope that someday, hopefully soon, I'll receive what my heart yearns for so deeply.

Monday, Hope

2008-02-04T21:58:00.000-08:00

Recently at church, Shelley Alameda has been given a ministry from God. He impresses upon her an ailment experienced by someone in the body. She announces it at church and prays over them for healing. After church was over 3 weeks ago, my mom pulled me aside and told me that while I was in the nursery, Shelley announced that the Lord had shown her someone with heartburn/acid reflux and someone with infertility. She immediately thought of me and felt like, even though we don't know for sure that something is wrong, it would ease my mind to be prayed over. I called Jesse over and relayed the information to him who agreed and said he'd thought of me immediately as well. So we went over to Shelley and asked her to pray over us. As we left the prayer room, Shelley told me that she had originally thought the word was for someone else until she saw me walk up to do the announcements. It was then that she realized I had been in the nursery and never heard the word from the Lord. She knew instantly that it was for me. For me, it was like God told me, "See, I have your back before you even knew that there was a potential problem." That gave me a peace about the situation. But i knew that I'd have to remember to continue to trust in God no matter what happened.

One week later, Jesse asked me how long I'd wait without conceiving before worrying if something was truly wrong. i told him that my biggest problem is that doctors don't typically consider you infertile until you've been trying, without birth control, for over a year. I had only been off of birth control for 3 months, but the previous 4 months that I was on the pill, I never took it consistently and could've possibly become pregnant at any time, making it 7 months of failure to conceive rather than 3. I wasn't sure what the doctor would consider seriously, though. So I said that while I probably would start freaking out by April or May, I don't know that I could even talk to a doctor about infertility until at least July. It was then that Jesse told me how Jim and Anna struggled to conceive a baby when they first got married. Jim got tested and was diagnosed with a low sperm count, and there was a possibility that Jesse may also be inflicted with the same thing. It was then that I realized it took my mom 4 years to get pregnant and suffered from a miscarriage the first time, also considered infertility. So, after some research and consideration, Jesse and I decided that if I don't end up pregnant by my next period date, we will schedule an appointment with our doctor just to let him know that we are trying to conceive and get any feedback or advice. We can let him know about our family history and see what he considers to be the best course of action, whether we should wait, be tested, and then possibly receive fertility treatments.

Since then, I calculated my ovulation and fertility dates and made sure to do everything I could to ensure optimal fertility. I began taking prenatal vitamins and elevated my feet after having sex each time. Jesse has been awesome. It means a lot to me that he is willing to take every step towards getting me pregnant in order to meet my desires- and that his desires are the same as mine.

Now that my most fertile days are over, I am awaiting the day my period is supposed to start. I am debating whether I should take a pregnancy test this Thursday or wait until Tuesday when my period is supposed to start. I am hopeful that things will be different this month since I have done all that I can physically do and because of the prayer and word from God, but I fear the worst, afraid that I'll go through the pain all over again. By the next time I write, I should have some answers.

Saturday, Tears

2008-01-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

Friday was a very difficult day. Since it was 5 days before my next period- the maximum amount of days allowed before your period before you can take a pregnancy test- I was eager to take the test and hoped for positive results. It seemed like this month should be the month. I'd been off birth control for over 2 months which is the time recommended before expecting a pregnancy. I had an estimated day of when I was most likely ovulating. And we had sex quite frequently during that week, even twice on my most fertile day. We had done everything in our power we could do. Now I just needed 2 little lines to pop up on that test indicating that it had all worked.

Instead, my heart sunk again as the test read "not pregnant". I called my mom to get some motherly comfort and, instead, hung up feeling even more defeated with her response making me feel like I had failed spiritually and was disappointing God.

By the time Jesse got home and I talked to him about it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I poured out everything. I explained that I was having trouble, most of all, understanding why God doe things the way He does. What reason could God have for withholding a baby from us? Furthermore, I had nothing to hold onto to give me any assurance that being a mother was a part of God's plan for me. As I cried and cried, Jesse just held me in his arms and tried to console me. While he doesn't have a clue what I'm going through, he promises to stand beside me through all of the tears and keep on trying.

That night, as we climbed in bed, the distressing thoughts of earlier had seemed to pass away and we had a nice evening together. As he drifted off to sleep, I curled up next to him and rubbed his back and ran my fingers through his hair. And as I stared at his face, I wondered how much our children would look like him and, for that matter, what they'd look like at all. Then I had this overwhelming thought of how much he was willing to take on his shoulders to have a child with me. Not only was he accepting the terms to give up our duo by adding another member to our household. He was carrying all of the weight of the financial responsibilities, the time constraints, the disciplinary actions. He was accepting the responsibility of training up a human being in the way he should go, teaching the child the proper morals and spiritual direction. He was accepting the role as a spiritual leader, not just for me in our marriage, but for an impressionable kid who would follow in his daddy's footsteps for years to come. And tears began to pour down my cheeks as I realized how young Jesse is in taking on that task. While I am in no way questioning his maturity, it takes a lot for a 21-year-old man to be willing to sacrifice his own desires for the life and happiness of his family. As I continued to rub his back, I began to pray for him, asking God to strengthen Jesse as a spiritual leader so that he may direct our family wisely. That God would enable him to discipline our children with wisdom so that they may behave in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. That God would help Jesse make the right financial decisions as he provides for us. That as Jesse takes on the weight of these responsibilities on his shoulder, God will be supporting him in every way.

And as I prayed, I knew we were going to do just fine because God has enabled Jesse in stepping up to the plate in being everything he could be as my husband. While he sometimes fears that he's not enough of a spiritual leader to me, when I am weak, he stands strong encouraging me that God has a bigger plan. He has poured out more love on me than I've ever known. Everyday I look at him and feel more and more blessed that God answered my prayers and brought us back together. There is not a single marriage I've ever witnessed in which I wished our's was like their's. I am so proud of our love and of the man that God has made Jesse into. I don't know how long it'll take before we bring a child into our household, but I was overwhelmed with joy and love knowing that we're doing it together.

Tuesday, Impatience

2008-01-01T21:56:00.000-08:00

Since writing that first entry nearly a month ago, not much has changed. The few weeks following our decision to try to conceive, I anticipated the arrival (or not) of my next cycle. I hoped with everything in me to discover I was pregnant, but feared for the worst. I'm not really sure if this negative gut feeling is my body bracing me for reality or a fear derived from the fact that I haven't ever had pregnancy even be a reality. In other words, do I think I'm not pregnant because I'm really not or because I'm skeptical that I'll finally experience what I never have before?

As the day approached, though, I bought a pregnancy test hoping it'd allow me to give my mom the biggest Christmas gift thus far. Instead, I was disappointed to read the negative sign, but found hope in the slight possibility that I had tested too early with this cheap test. So I, in turn, bought another test which allowed me to know if I was pregnant sooner. That test proved to be negative as well. I secretly hoped that I had just assumed the wrong start date of my cycle, but it arrived just on schedule. I tried to suck it up and lay it in God's hands again, but I can't deny the hurt I felt.

Since then, it has been another waiting games. Waiting until my period is over. Waiting until I might possibly be ovulating. Waiting to have sex at the right time. Waiting until I can test again. Waiting to see if my period returns.

Meanwhile, I watch Jolyn's and Kaela's bellies continue to grow. I listen as the baby talk goes on and on. I crochet little blanket together for the expected newborns. I plan baby showers that aren't mine. And I congratulate all of the new couples who discover that they're about to receive the little bundles of joy that I want so much.

I know I can't be so impatient. Statistically, I wonder how anyone ever gets pregnant when the necessary factors that lead to pregnancy only guarantee a 20% chance that you'll conceive each month. Furthermore, even though I've never been consistent in taking birth control, we've only been protection-free for 2 months. That's still perfectly normal. It's just hard to regard that as truth when it seems like so many people conceive outside of marriage, having only had sex once, or while doing everything they can to prevent it. Why is it so prevalent when the odds seem nearly impossible?

However, if my calculations are correct, tomorrow I begin ovulating and it's only a matter of weeks until we discover if this month is our month. Only time will tell..

Wednesday, The Beginning

2007-12-05T21:48:00.000-08:00

Being a mother is something I've wanted since I was very young. It was something I always put aside, though, feeling that it was in the distant future and I needed to find a husband first. After getting married, though, having a baby has been on my mind constantly. It seemed that from our engagement on, the most common questions I've been asked are: when are you guys going to have kids? Are you pregnant yet? I had people placing bets on how long it would take me to get pregnant ranging from my honeymoon to 4 months into our marriage. In the beginning, I was asked at least 5 times a week about it and then everyone I knew began getting pregnant, including Kaela, Jolyn, and my boss, Jen. While not close to all of them, if I wrote down everyone I knew that was having a baby, it'd total at least 20. Now that I was finally married, a baby was totally possible, and I was constantly reminded that everyone was having one but me. Each month I went through a roller-coaster of emotions about it. I'd convince myself that I was pregnant, I'd imagine how I'd tell everyone, I'd anticipate the day that I would know for sure if I was pregnant. And then my next cycle would start or a pregnancy test would come back negative, and I'd end up in a downward spiral of disappointment, fearing this cycle would continue every month. In addition, I struggled that Jesse and I weren't on the same page about the issue. While I am at the prime time in my life, now married, 23 years old, graduating college, Jesse just turned 21 and has never thought much about being a dad. In fact, as stoked as I would be, I feared telling Jesse that I may be pregnant because his response would be worry and terror.

As days and weeks have turned to months of marriage, the pressure and disappointment have increased, feeling that it becomes more and more okay and possible to bring a baby into our lives. It's something I've dreamed countless hours about, imagining the baby growing inside my belly, picking out names for him/her, thinking of nursery decor, and picturing Jesse holding his child in his arms. And each time the pregnancy test reads negative, my heart sank a little more.

Following several in-depth conversations with Jesse, tearfully describing my pain over the previous months, we found ourselves discussing the matter again tonight. This time, though, it had a different twist. Jesse said that, in response to my difficulty in remembering to take my birth control, that I should either take it consistently or cease taking it at all. I explained that I needed him to tell me outright that he wanted me to quit before I could do that in peace. He said yes, telling me that while he's not ready to have a baby on our hands now, he's ready for me to be pregnant now. He added that he gets excited imagining having a baby with me. So, while I've barely taken any pills since the first of November, I am no longer going to worry about taking pills at all. If I get pregnant, we're ready for it.

Now, as excited as I am, I have to be careful about expecting it too soon. The emotional roller coasters have the potential to be even more intense and I don't want to go through the pain of it all. So I have to remember to take it one day at a time and trust that God's in control. The rest is history in the making...

Important Terminology

2007-12-01T13:49:00.000-08:00

A woman's cycle begins on the first day of her period (or when "Aunt Flow" [AF] as it is so lovingly called) arrives. This is marked as cycle day (or cd) 1. Each subsequent day is numbered in the same way until her period starts again, starting the next cycle (cd 1) again. For the textbook woman, the length of this cycle is 28 days, but any woman's cycle can very + or - about 5 days. If the cycle is too short, it could prevent pregnancy because the lining of the uterus isn't built up enough. It could also indicate that your progesterone levels are too low meaning you couldn't even hold a pregnancy. If your cycle is too long, it could mean that you are not ovulating at all.

Usually around cd 14 (give or take a few days) is when ovulation occurs. This is when the egg is released from the fallopian tubes. It only survives for about 24 hours before it disintegrates and is flushed away with the next cycle. The sperm, on the other hand, can survive for anywhere between 3-7 days. So, there is only a window of about 5 days that the woman can get pregnant- from about 5 days before ovulation to just after it is released. If fertilization occurs, it takes about 5-8 days for it to travel back through the tubes into the uterus. And, any given month, a woman has only 20% chance of this process being completed.

In order to plan the optimal time of intercourse to conceive, a woman can take ovulation predictor kits (OPK's). This test is taken just like a pregnancy test and turns positive when it detects a luteinizing hormone, the hormone given off as your body gears up for ovulation. Once you get a positive, it is best to have sex in the 3 or so days following it.

In conjunction with the OPK's, it is helpful to take your basal body temperature (BBT) each day. This is done with a thermometer, like any other one, which simply determines your temperature to the 100th of a degree. So it says "98.63"degrees instead of just "98.6". You are supposed to take this temperature every day before you even get out of bed or do anything and after at least 3 hours of sleep. This ensures that you get your average resting temperature. Before you ovulate, your temperature will stay in a certain range. Once ovulation occurs, your temperature will spike up about .3 degrees due to the increased progesterone hormone released- a subtle but significant difference. Once this spike occurs, ovulation has already occured and it's too late to conceive that cycle. The significance of this entire process is first, to get a general idea of when ovulation occurs for you each month, and second, to know when there's no more chance of conception anymore. Your temperature can also reveal some other important things throughout your cycle. If it goes up again about 5-8 days past ovulation (5-8 DPO's) and stays up for the duration of your cycle, it can indicate (although not always) that implantation has occured. This is called a triphasic cycle. Furthermore, if you have just one drop during these same 5-8 days and then it goes back up, this could also indicate implantion has occured.

There is much more to the whole process, but these are the most basic details of conceiving, and the details that pertain to me the most.