A Change of Pace

If you would've asked me 6 months ago if I would've closed my blog and started a new one once I got pregnant, I would've told you no. I'd seen it done time and again by people post-infertility. But I figured that even though I may be pregnant at that point, that the things one experiences in pregnancy after infertility is different than one may experience had they never gone through it. I have heard many describe their "survivor's guilt", wondering why God had chosen to bless them when so many others are still going through infertility. I now understand it. I have heard many describe their intense fears of losing their precious baby, even worrying down to the due date because they know that you can't take it for granted. I now understand it. I have heard many describe the distance they felt between themselves and their former infertile friends since they have now become "one of them". I now understand it. So, after they experience success after infertility, they find that the only way to be sensitive to those who are still facing infertility while sharing what they are currently going through is to begin a new blog. I now understand it. I don't feel any animosity towards those who have pulled away from me during this time. I understand it completely, and I hate that something that causes me so much joy would cause you so much pain. I just don't want to cause more pain if it's something that I can help. Furthermore, this isn't goodbye. I will still write on here as things come to mind that are infertility-related. And beyond that, I will continue reading EVERY SINGLE ONE of your blogs every day. And I will comment as much as possible so that you know I am still praying right alongside you. I have editted my previous blogs, taking out anything that is pregnancy related and have moved those entries to my new blog. I have left the pieces of the entries that had to do with infertility still. I wanted to maintain the integrity of the site for those who may come across it in the future and also for the times that I may happen to add something infertility-related to it.

If you WANT to follow me through my pregnancy, please come over to my new blog at www.baby-blessings.blogspot.com. And, I'd love to know that you followed me over there. If that's too much for you, though, and you still want to keep in touch, I still have my family blog where I will continue to write about the things Jesse and I go through: www.thepetersons07.blogspot.com. And if you want to keep up-to-date on my personal thoughts of random things that happen in my day, I will be writing at http://my-bombastic-blog.blogspot.com/. All of these links will be on my sidebar soon. And, since I am just beginning the process of moving everything around, give me a bit of time to get things organized and settled. It is my prayer that the things I write will continue to be a blessing to those who read them regardless of the topics they cover.

Me vs. You

I recently came across a new blog that I think is phenomenal in its beginning stages. It is called “Me vs. You”. It is about two sisters, Rachel and Melissa. Rachel has been dealing with infertility for years. Melissa is very fertile. Melissa had four children in 5 years while Rachel went through 30 months of infertility, two failed adoptions and IVF before finally getting pregnant and giving birth to a baby just last month. The two sisters now take questions from readers about dealing with infertility and both write their responses from their personal perspectives. They just began this blog in October, but the few entries they have written are filled with honesty, hope, and love.

This blog struck me particularly because I have been struggling with my own blog since discovering my own pregnancy after infertility. As thankful as I am for this gift from God, I instantly began to worry about how it may create a wall between myself and those who are still facing infertility. I know that I’m now “one of them”. Call if “survivor’s guilt” if you will, but it broke my heart to know that something that brings me so much joy- something we’re all trying to obtain anyways- would bring so much pain to someone else who was still going through it. I knew that as hard as that year was for me, many others had faced many more years and undergone much more invasive procedures than I had. I was lost at how to find the balance between sharing my joy and still connecting with those who were struggling. For me, this balance has been in rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep (Romans 12:15). I have witnessed 10 people celebrate the gift of a miracle life after infertility. Six of those within a month of my own, 2 enjoying their 2nd trimesters of pregnancy, and 2 adjusting to life with a new member of the family in their house. I am thrilled over every single one of these announcements and I look forward to sharing my journey with them. In the midst of that, though, I have 24 names on my list of people who are still walking day-by-day on the path of infertility, wondering how long God is going to lead them in that direction before they arrive at their destination. I’ve considered separating out the ones who have experienced losses as well in their journey, but it almost seems overwhelming to do so as I know so many of them have. And, when I read their accounts, the fears and grief that they express bring to the surface the emotions that I have felt not so long ago. I know how raw I felt this past year, how much my heart ached, and how many questions I asked. Just because I’m on the other side now doesn’t mean that all of that is forgotten. So, I weep with you because I know how you must be hurting. I do my best to respond to as many blogs as possible, sending encouraging words your way, and I strive to pray for everyone every single day. I have plans for ways to minister to you while you are still facing the infertility and plans for ways to celebrate with you when you receive your miracle (which I believe you will). So, back to my point, this blog offered me a way to reconcile the two worlds- to get a glimpse of the fertile and infertile perspective in one, and especially to see how Rachel (the infertile one) handles issues of infertility since becoming pregnant.

The first point that both of them make is that they both had to surrender their rights. Melissa had to surrender her rights to not feel bad about having a family, her rights to not have to walk on eggshells regularly, and her rights to be able to talk about her pregnancies or children whenever and however she wanted. She had to remember that if her sister hurt her, it was unintentional. And if it was intentional, then it did no good to be vengeful back. Rachel realized that she really had no rights either. She wasn’t entitled to a baby. She’s not even entitled to be saved by the grace of God nor entitled to the life she has. I think that remembering to surrender my rights will help me a bit to know how to write on my blog. I don’t want to just close it down and start a new one for pregnancy after infertility. So, instead, I just come at the issue cautiously, surrendering my right to blab to the world everything about it. I have not changed my layout to be all babies all the time nor have I added a bunch of blinking graphics to show off my bundle of joy on the way. I share the important pieces of news about landmarks I reach in my pregnancy, but refrain from writing each day of every symptom I feel or baby item I buy. I try to balance things out between my two blogs and use my family one to write about the more elaborate details of my pregnancy rather than just the medical milestones. Melissa adds,

“Being pregnant two times while Rachel was trying caused us to deal with this exact situation in great depth. As much as she had to battle her selfishness, I had to battle mine too. I, of course, had every “right” (there is that word again!) to talk about my baby, how I was feeling, what I was excited and anxious about. Rachel asked me very specifically to NOT talk about these things with her. Was this an easy request to hear? Absolutely not. It was not my fault, after all, that she could not have a baby. It was not my fault that I could. So, why should I have to be “punished” so to speak? Of course, these thoughts came into my head for about 5 minutes and then I started to attack them with prayer. I was NOT ok with staying there. I was not ok with putting my needs above Rachel’s. Were her needs ok to ask of me? I have no idea…but that wasn’t the point. As Rachel said, living and staying in selfishness is NOT ok. So….I turned to God for his strength. His healing. His grace.”

From there, the most helpful thing I have encountered in this blog is the idea that EVERYONE has their own battles. I wish I would’ve remembered this more when I was still going through my struggles. Melissa writes,

“...no matter how easy of a time one of your friends or family members had in getting pregnant….they have their struggles. So, as hard as it is for you to watch them get pregnant, it may be that hard for them watching you in a happy marriage. Or have, not only enough money to pay your bills, but also enough to go on vacations, or remodel your house. Or, they may see you with your parents or siblings and grieve to the core that yours are still alive. Or in your life. Or or or…..I obviously could go on and on. One thing I DID struggle with in this journey is feeling like to Rachel, NONE of these things compared to her struggle. For me personally, finances have been a veeerrryyy hard thing for my husband and I (some our own doing…most not). It was SO hard to watch Rachel and Joey go on vacation after vacation amongst other things, but I knew that they had every right to do so. But, it was so hard when Rachel would say things or insinuate things such as “well, at least you have kids”. Her hurt and my hurt were not comparable…but that didn’t mean they weren’t both real. And I wondered, if her hurt was so bad, why did it make her ANGRY that I did not have to endure that same hurt? Would it be easier on her if I had had to struggle for years to get pregnant? I pray that she NEVER knows financial struggles the way we have. I know full well that no matter what, you will hurt over the struggle to have a baby. I know full well that what I am about to suggest will NOT take that hurt away. However, the more you can look at other people, the less your hurt will consume you. So, my encouragement would be that you look at each of these friends and family members…I mean REALLY look…and see what is in their lives that is hurting them…possibly to the point of consuming them. And, in doing this, reach out to them. Walk through their pain with them. It will make them walking through your pain with you much easier.”

I have seen the truth of this recently when I saw how waiting on a pregnancy to occur can be easily related to waiting for marriage to come your way. I know the truth of this because long before I ever wanted a baby, I wanted to be a wife. I was tricked by all of the Disney movies and convinced that I needed to find my Prince Charming who would sweep me off of my feet and take me away so that we could live happily ever after. Most people thought I was utterly obsessed with love and boys and everything in between. I looked at every encounter with the male specimen as a possible opportunity for love to brew. I spent my days and nights dreaming of falling in love and getting married. I was certain that I would get married at a very young age and would’ve thought I was ready at even 17 years old (had the opportunity presented itself). But at 17 years old, God told me that I would not have a boyfriend until I was 20. Not an easy thing to hear as a teenager, and while it helped in many ways, I still couldn’t help desiring it with all of my heart. When 20 came around, I thought, “This is it!!!” And God did answer my prayers at that point and I fell for the man of my dreams. It wasn’t that easy, though, and after 5 months of being together, we broke up, leaving me absolutely devastated. I spent the next 16 months broken, lost, and struggling to see God at the end of my dark tunnel. I was now 21 years old and even further away from ever getting married. I told everyone that my biological clock was ticking, and I was convinced of it. In my head, I should’ve at least had a prospective mate at this age. At the end of that 16 months, God brought my love back to me and all of my wildest dreams came true. It’s a true story with a lot more details than just that. It was the hardest thing I ever went through. In all honesty, most of you may not understand this, but it was even harder than the infertility. The emotions were just as raw and the hurt just as heavy, but the reason it was harder was because I felt like I faced my singleness and heartbreak alone, at opposing ends of Jesse, whereas I had him by my side every step of the way through our infertility. The amount of support he gave me through the childlessness is more than I can describe. But my point remains the same that both were very similar hurts, and just as no one could promise me that God would bring me a child, so no one could promise me that He would bring me a husband. And just like I could do everything possible to conceive, but couldn’t fertilize the egg and produce a baby, so I could also do everything to increase my chances of finding Mr. Right, but I couldn’t make anyone fall in love with me.

Now, at 22 years old, my brother faces the same insecurity. He watches all those around him cuddle with their significant others, sneaking kisses and holding hands, while he sits alone. He probably, just like I did, gets sick of hearing the engagement announcements and dreads the holidays like Valentine’s Day or midnight on New Year’s Eve where his lack of a date seems more magnified. In all truth, my brother is an amazing guy. He’s got the best sense of humor and is really charming, but God is doing something in him right now, just as he is doing/has done in our infertility.

Likewise, the most fertile person I’ve probably ever been close to is also the most unhappy person I’ve ever met. She had 2 kids in 2 ½ years, the last conceived only 6 months after the first was born, without ever having to try. She’d probably be pregnant again if she wasn’t in the midst of a divorce at only 21 years old. Her marriage has been an awful one, full of deceit and bitterness and strife. Throw in a batch of crazy hormones and you’ve got a person who thrives on drama and finds negativity anywhere she can. She may have had kids like I wanted, but I could easily look at her and recognize that I would NEVER want them the way she’s had them. And, in the midst of sobbing over my empty womb, I could wrap my arms around my wonderful, loving husband, and be absolutely proud and honored to be able to be walking this path with him rather than in the marriage my brother-in-law and sister-in-law shared.

Everyone has their own issues. I don’t ever want to forget that. It’s not a matter of whose issues are more gut-wrenching. Some may not even compare. But the truth is that their pain is just as real to them as your’s is to you. If we can keep that mindset, I think it would change the way we look at those around us.

So, I encourage you to check out the few entries that are listed in this blog (linked at the beginning) and I hope it helps you on your journey no matter which side you are on.

Oh, and please check out my most recent entry on my family blog. I would appreciate prayers for my family.

Thoughts

Know that I'm still praying for each and every one of you. I rejoice with those of you who are celebrating the gift of a miracle pregnancy and I weep with those who are grieving of another childless month. I read EVERY single one of your blogs daily and pray constantly for every person on my list. I love you guys and am interceding on your behalf.

Comfort During the Season

I've been struggling with what to write on here more than just my beta results. I've seen this happen a lot with people who get pregnant after infertility. I never thought I would be one of them. What I didn't realize, though, is that my inability to write is not because I don't have anything to say, but because I am trying to be as sensative as possible to those who are still struggling this holiday season. I know many people are hurting this week and my heart goes out to them. I was thinking today especially of those I know who have faced miscarriages and are spending this holiday with babies in Heaven. I honestly cannot comprehend the emotions they must be feeling and the hurt that such a loss causes. The only inkling I have of it is just knowing how scared I was to lose this pregnancy and imagining how I'd feel if it did happen. And I know that's not even close to actually going through it. I had a thought, though, that I hope brings comfort to all of those who are going through this now:

I pictured each little baby being held in the arms of God. Even typing that out now brings tears to my eyes. I read something today that someone said about their lost child. They said something to the effect that it brought them comfort to know that the first face their baby ever saw was the face of God. What better place could they possibly spend Christmas?! Of course, our hearts yearn for them to be here on earth with us, but they are being held tightly by the One who knit them together in your womb. I don't understand why God would form that baby in your belly only to take it away, but I do feel certain that He knows the pain of experiencing the death of a child. Because 2000 years ago, He sent His only son as a baby in a manger. I think I've never thought of the conception of Jesus the same way I think of our own conceptions. I've thought of Mary as being pregnant and I've thought of Jesus as an infant in the manger, but what about what was actually going on inside Mary. I believe that God formed Jesus in her womb just as He forms each and every one of our babies (past, present, or future). I believe that He went through the stages of development as His arms and legs budded and His facial features developed and His heart began to beat. Can you imagine the God of the universe stepping down and assuming such a position? And while Jesus was born full-term and lived into His adult years, I can't help but think that God must've grieved a little bit knowing that He was turning His son over to be born all to lead up to His future death, just so that we could have a relationship with Him! I'm sure God feels the same grief when He places a child into your womb knowing that it won't stay there for long, but I'm sure that His purpose for that conception and death is no less amazing.

Here are a few pictures to end with. I hope this encourages someone who's going through a hard time. If you want to read more about some other stuff going on in my life, check out my other blog.

Bittersweet

I want to thank everyone who has celebrated with me as I have shared the news of my pregnancy. I know what a bittersweet thing it is when you are still facing infertility. And I hate it that something that brings me so much joy would bring so much pain and heartache to someone else. But I understand it, and I want to be as sensitive as possible to it while still fulfilling the original purpose of my blog. I've been thinking a lot about why God would allow me to receive the fulfillment of an answered prayers, while I know that many around me are grieving harder than ever as they face another failed cycle in the midst of the holidays. I also wonder why it's me when I haven't even faced infertility as long as some others have. Each time I think these things, though, I am reminded of the Biblical women who struggled with infertility. The Bible doesn't give any indication as to why Sarah was barren for 100 years while Rebekeh was barren for 40. I don't know if one had unexplained infertility while the other had PCOS. There weren't OB-GYN's or RE's back then to reveal the cause of their barrenness. In fact, I struggle to grasp the grief they must've felt not knowing what was wrong with them at all and how long they may have to endure such a struggle. In addition to that, they were considered lower than everyone else because of their barrenness. I know that many of us have felt certain stigmas of society and wondered how long our infertility would last, but I doubt that it even begins to compare with what they faced.

Furthermore, as I've thought about how God DOES answer prayers and give you the desires of your heart, I've questioned how this can be true when some people may never conceive. In fact, I've kept in touch a bit with one of my aunt's old friends. She, too, battled infertility and underwent many tests. Today, in her 50's-60's, she still remains childless. Having said that, though, she has inherited step-children and still plays the role of a mom. You could argue that even though it wasn't in the way she prayed for, God still answered her prayers. Yet, it's not an answer that comes with peace and assurance, even for me. She sought God whole-heartedly and, from everything I can tell, has been a strong woman of faith. Why didn't God give her a child? I don't know. And I can't tell each one of you what He is going to do in your life either. Some may experience the blessing of children really soon. Some may have to wait for more years to come. Some may never experience biological children, but come to enjoy the fruitfulness of adoption. Some may choose to re-think their idea of "family" as a 2 party system and live their lives out in a partnership with their spouse instead of pursuing children further. Some may experience children only in a spiritual sense as God opens up doors for you to minister to others in their faith. This may be in ministering to others with infertility or to just children in general in youth ministries or to fellow women in Bible studies. Some of those outcomes don't seem to suffice in my mind, but I do believe with all of my heart that when God allows us to go through something like this, it is for a greater purpose. And some of you may experience the answers to your prayers when God knows that it is significant for THIS moment in history for your child to be conceived and born. Others may experience the joys of adoption, growing in understanding of how God adopts us into His family. Others may face long-term infertility, but I believe that even in this God will be doing something.

I know how much the lack of assurance that it'll ever happen for you breaks your heart. I know how much you just want someone (who really knows) to tell you that it WILL happen someday, and preferably WHEN! My greatest struggle was in the fact that no one could assure me that it would ever happen, and I didn't feel any assurance from God that it was His will for my life either. It wasn't until God began to show me how He was working in my infertility, and then teaching me to be okay with it as I let Him work in it, that He began to speak to me about anticipating it. You can read it in my entries. I was lost until then. Devestated. Confused. And when I poured it all out to God in surrender, I began to hear His direction in it. I'm not saying that the moment you surrender to God, He'll give you what you're asking for, but that I AM sure you will begin to hear His voice concerning your situation.

Wow. I didn't really mean to spew all of that out, but my heart was just aching for those who are still facing infertility, and I felt torn with how to share my joy with them in the midst of it. So, having said all of that, I posted an update on my other blog as to the baby's development and recent occurances. I put it there to announce to our family who is more distant about our news, but also to give those who are struggling some space, not overwhelming them with tons of baby talk. I love each and every one of you, truly, and pray for you regularly.

Angel Tree

I just wanted to share one more thing. Last night Jesse and I were at the mall and walked past the Angel Tree with all of the tags hanging on it. I did Angel Trees a lot as a kid. My family would choose a name off of the tree and help to give that kid something special for Christmas. I asked Jesse if he wanted to do it this year. It seems that this year, above past ones, have been able giving to those in need. My church is collecting items to send care packages to the soldiers oversea. In addition, we are collecting clothes to give to the local mission for homeless people. In this spirit, we chose a name off of the Angel Tree at the mall. We decided that since we don't have a baby of our own to dote on this Christmas, we would bless someone else's baby in need.

Meet Seth, only 2 months :



It says that he wants/needs a Leap Frog educational toy. This is probably because the names come from the local relief nursery. However, in addition to that, I'd love to just shower this baby boy with love and gifts. I plan on contacting the nursery to make sure I can get him some more stuff than just that one thing.

It's what Christmas is all about- sharing the love of my Savior with others.

Are you serious?!

I came across this online today. It's made specifically to elevate your legs and pelvis to allow the sperm to get as close to the cervix as possible. This is common enough practice amongst those of us who are trying to conceive. My doctor actually told me it was pointless, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to take any chances. I was willing to try anything to make sure I covered all of my bases. Having said that, though, what happened to just using an old fashioned pillow?

AND....!!!!

It's $65.95! Are you serious?!

Lemons, Burdens, and Fire. Oh My!

My apologies to Jen that it has taken me so long to respond to this award. She gave me The Lemon Award:


The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who "have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade. Jen says they "always have something encouraging to say and have a positive attitude in this unfair world we call infertility".

Jen awarded me for "staying positive with all that is going on in life", and for being "a great encourager" to her.

I really cannot tell you how much this award means to me. It's far greater than receiving a compliment or something nifty to post on my blog that shows that people like me. It is an affirmation to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I cannot tell you guys how much I have struggled through my infertility. It only took a few months for me to begin to think that something was wrong with me. Of course, back then, I had nothing more to go on than a gut-intuition, which other people don't really take too seriously. I would spend hours curled up in my bed with my hands on my tummy, imagining it growing, thinking about wearing maternity clothes, coming up with names for each of our children, planning ways that I would reveal the good news to everyone, contemplating how I would decorate their nursery, and dreaming about our lives. I would calculate the best possible day to take a pregnancy test because I couldn't imagine waiting for my period to actually start. I would get my hopes up so high just before taking a pregnancy test that only made my heart sink. Often, I'd crawl back into bed and sob uncontrollably. More and more, these tears became filled with anger as I began to blame God for withholding such a wonderful gift for me. In the midst of it, I'd try to make myself feel better, telling myself that maybe I had tested too early or maybe I had miscalculated the date my period should start. So I'd test again a few days later or just wait. Every ounce of hope ALWAYS ending in extreme disappointment a few days later. I cried. I screamed. I withdrew. I asked questions. And I made up my own answers. Nothing could really express how much my heart was hurting, though. I felt that God had given me this desire to be a mother. I felt that He had inspired Jesse to be ready at that particular time as well. I felt that we had a fantastic marriage and were seeking God and I could not come up with a single reason as to why God was not answering our prayers. Being surrounded by more than 20 other people who were pregnant and having babies at the same time only compounded my pain.

Yet, God began to work in me. He first showed me how great and powerful He really is. Then He showed me the heartbreaking testimony of Angie Smith. And as my heart went out to her as she went through something I couldn't even imagine, He showed me the powerful witness her story was. How her pain was changing the world because He was working through it. And, I realized that no matter how difficult the situation was to go through, that if it meant being a testimony to others and bringing me into a closer relationship with Him, then it was worth it all. That was hard to say aloud. I didn't want to accept any amount of heartache. I didn't want any more heartache than what I was already feeling. But I had to accept that God knew what was best for me.

I came across this picture the other day and I realized that this perfectly describes where I am now. And then, just after I found that picture, I came across this one:

I think this is the most beautiful portrayal of Mary and Jesus that I have ever seen. I think it's partly because of how real the baby looks, emphasizing to me that Jesus really did step off of the throne of Heaven and into the form of a helpless, innocent infant. And then, I think the picture is even more beautiful when I look at Mary holding him close to her as a new mother. The picture has kind of a darker quality to it and Mary doesn't look overly thrilled. I think this reveals a bit of the difficult task that she was partaking in.

As I gazed at this picture, I thought about how Mary accepted this task from God, knowing full well that it could cost her her life. She knew that she could be divorced and, therefore, outcast from her society. She knew that she could be publicly stoned for her "sin" as everyone would believe that she had a pre-marital sex. And, I think that as her belly began to grow and she approached the time to give birth, she couldn't help but realize that she was bearing the Son of God. What a huge task to undertake! I can only imagine the questions that arose in her mind as she wondered how she could possibly raise this child in the way He should go. How would she possibly be able to teach Him what He needed to know when He had created Heaven and Earth? I'm sure she felt inadequate to the core.

And then I realized that just as God called Mary to bear this particular burden, so He also calls me to a carry my particular load. It just so happens that mine is the absolute, total opposite of her's, but it is a great task nonetheless.

I don't believe that God necessarily appoints barrenness on someone, but I do believe that when He allows us to go through it, it is because He is calling us to a bigger purpose. And, now I can see the ministry that God is opening up for me because of my infertility. Most of you I never would've met had I not been going through the same thing you are. And infertility would be something that I skimmed over and ignorantly passed by like most of the population does. Experiencing this myself has softened my heart to the pain that millions of people suffer through everyday. I am finding that not only do they help me to process my own emotions and questions, but provide opportunities for me to share my heart for God and grow with them through this process.

I received an email from a new friend the other day who is just a year older than me and has only been trying to conceive for 2 months more than I have. We actually began our cycles on the exact same day this month, both began Clomid the same day, are both originally Southern girls, and both have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". She asked me how I reconcile my fertility treatments with my faith in God, giving Him control over it all. After I answered her and explained how I've come to see God in this process, she shared with me how she has spent the past 15 months trying to do it on her own. She was so lost and confused, emotionally all over the place. And after I shared my testimony with her, she suddenly began to see it all very differently. She thanked me for sharing, saying that she believed God had brought her to me. I believe it too, and I was overwhelmed by God's grace to allow me to be part of changing someone's life. It was also at the same time in which I received this award from Jen. When I shared all of this with Jesse, he remarked how difficult the journey has been so far. But he added that if we had a baby by now, I wouldn't have been able to share with that girl or each of you each week- the ministry I'd be missing out on!

It's a refining fire. And fire burns. But just as a metal worker stirs his vat of silver, heating it up so that the impurities rise to the top, scooping them out, and knowing that he is done when he sees his own reflection, so God is working in me. And as the temperature rises, the bits of me that don't reflect Him are brought out and God works on removing them; each time allowing me to resemble Him a little bit more.

My heart still aches at times. Ask me how I feel in a week when I've found out if I'm pregnant or not. Fear still arises in me when I think about being in this same place of childlessness NEXT Christmas. I still want more than anything to hold my child in my arms and share that blessing with my husband who I love so dearly. But, when I recognize the calling that God is bringing me to, I know I can make it through one more day... and then one more after that.

~Mandy

Enemies

I love how God speaks to us right when we need Him to. All weekend I’ve been struggling with the conflict I have with my brother-in-law’s wife. Since I last wrote on here, she emailed me and confronted me about not being there to support her. She wanted to know why I hadn’t emailed or called her. She said this forgetting that I did email her as soon as she told me that they were divorcing and told her that I’d be there for her if she needed me. She responded saying that Michael needed his brother and family. So we chose to be there for him and then she got mad about it. She also is forgetting that I emailed her the same day another mutual friend of our’s had who said pretty much the same thing I did. Neither of us have talked to her since, but I’m the one not being supportive while the other friend is one of her only truly loyal friends. She said that regardless of whose side I was on, I had been her maid of honor and her sister-in-law and she thought we had been close, hadn’t we? Upon reading this, I immediately wanted to remind her that she had already told me that she regretted having me as her maid of honor just a couple of months ago. She continued, quoting me as saying that I didn’t know what I would do if Jesse did to me what Michael did to her. Again, I wanted to defend myself because what I said was that I didn’t know if I would stay with him or not if he ever tried to leave me for another girl or cheated on me. I didn’t say that I would slander him all over myspace or tell everyone the awful details of his sins. When Jesse broke my heart a few years ago, I didn’t respond this way and I don’t think that it is a Christ-like response to do so, regardless of how legitimately hurt you are. From there, she said that I should understand since I have witnessed a lot of the torrid details of their marriage and saw how her “husband drug her all the way to another state and left her 2 weeks later.” UGH! I think I’m about ready to scream! From there, she said that she was thankful for all of the good times we had and sorry that I have made the decision I have (to not be her friend). And she basically told me that I was missing out on her wonderful friendship because of my decision.

I wanted so badly to write her back right then and there and tell her EXACTLY what I thought of her. However, that is my flesh screaming out in sin, and my spirit told it to shut up and wait. I didn’t want anything that I said to further fuel an argument, creating lots of drama. So, I waited, considering every possible way to respond to the situation including:
* Telling her what I truly thought
* Telling her the edited, nicer version of what I truly thought
* Not telling her at all what I thought of her, but saying that it had been difficult for me to know how to approach her at all as I am caught between the two people and have been a long-time friend of the person she is in conflict with. Furthermore, telling her that I did not believe that it was the appropriate Christian response to publicly bash someone’s character regardless of how badly they hurt you and, therefore, was unsure how to respond.
* Not answering her at all and letting what happens happen
* Not answering and then choosing to break all connections with her, including deleting her off of my friend’s list.

The conflict was plaguing me. I found it to often be the center of my conversations and it even seeped into my dreams. I wanted to make sure that nothing I did created more drama for me or Michael (as he still keeps in touch with her). I also wanted to make sure that I responded (or didn’t respond) the way God wanted me to, and that any truth I spoke was done in love. Whichever one I wanted more depended on the moment.

Before I made a decision about emailing her, one way or another, she deleted my mom, my brother, and myself off of her friend list and then posted a comment to everyone telling them that I was fake and thought I was better than everyone else. I was at an utter loss of how to respond.

I realized that my emotions were so strong concerning this issue that it was difficult for me to step aside and listen to God. So, I removed myself from everyone else in the house, from the computer, from the tv, and from my cell phone. I crawled into the warm bathtub and closed the curtain, shutting myself off from any distracting stimuli. And as I soaked in the bathtub, I prayed for God to reveal to me the way that He wanted me to respond Within a matter of hours, He emailed me.

Ok. It wasn’t God that emailed me, but He did speak to me through it. You see, Max Lucado is my favorite author and I regularly receive devotional excerpts of his books. I don’t always get time to read every single one, but always save them in my email folders. However, the subject line of this email caught my attention, “Leave Your Enemies in God’s Hands.”

So, I opened it up and here are the words I read:

Leave Your Enemies in God's Hands
by Max Lucado
From “Facing Your Giants"

Some years ago a rottweiler attacked our golden retriever puppy at a kennel. The worthless animal climbed out of its run and into Molly’s and nearly killed her. He left her with dozens of gashes and a dangling ear. I wrote a letter to the dog’s owner, urging him to put the dog to sleep.

But when I showed the letter to the kennel owner, she begged me to reconsider. “What that dog did was horrible, but I’m still training him. I’m not finished with him yet.”

God would say the same about the rottweiler who attacked you. “What he did was unthinkable, unacceptable, inexcusable, but I’m not finished yet.”

Your enemies still figure into God’s plan. Their pulse is proof: God hasn’t given up on them. They may be out of God’s will, but not out of his reach. You honor God when you see them, not as his failures, but as his projects.

God occupies the only seat on the supreme court of heaven. He wears the robe and refuses to share the gavel. For this reason Paul wrote, “Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. ‘I’ll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I’ll take care of it’ ” (Rom. 12:19 MSG).

Revenge removes God from the equation. Vigilantes displace and replace God. “I’m not sure you can handle this one, Lord. You may punish too little or too slowly. I’ll take this matter into my hands, thank you.”

Is this what you want to say? Jesus didn’t. No one had a clearer sense of right and wrong than the perfect Son of God. Yet, “when he suffered, he didn’t make any threats but left everything to the one who judges fairly” (1 Pet. 2:23 GOD’S WORD).

Only God assesses accurate judgments. We impose punishments too slight or severe. God dispenses perfect justice. Vengeance is his job. Leave your enemies in God’s hands. You’re not endorsing their misbehavior when you do. You can hate what someone did without letting hatred consume you. Forgiveness is not excusing.

Nor is forgiveness pretending. David didn’t gloss over or sidestep Saul’s sin. He addressed it directly. He didn’t avoid the issue, but he did avoid Saul.

Do the same. Give grace, but, if need be, keep your distance. You can forgive the abusive husband without living with him. Be quick to give mercy to the immoral pastor, but be slow to give him a pulpit. Society can dispense grace and prison terms at the same time. Offer the child molester a second chance, but keep him off the playgrounds.

Forgiveness is not foolishness.

Forgiveness is, at its core, choosing to see your offender with different eyes. You don’t excuse him, endorse her, or embrace them. You just route thoughts about them through heaven. You see your enemy as God’s child and revenge as God’s job.

By the way, how can we grace-recipients do anything less? Dare we ask God for grace when we refuse to give it? This is a huge issue in Scripture. Jesus was tough on sinners who refused to forgive other sinners. In the final sum, we give grace because we’ve been given grace.

That should be enough said, right? Well, then God decided to make sure I was really getting the message. So when I opened up my blogger dashboard today, I came across the daily sermon of Pete Wilson . He pastors a church in Tennessee and I found his blog through Angie Smith. He was talking about the recent sentencing of OJ Simpson and the way we seem to love to hate this man. Sometimes, this hate stems from revenge. Sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes focusing on their immorality allows me to ignore my own. However, Pete continues saying that the Bible is full of people who screwed up royally and yet we would be so quick to judge them if they lived today. Then he said something that hit straight to my heart.

He asked, “Do you believe God can redeem OJ’s life? Let me ask a more probing question. Do you really WANT God to redeem OJ’s life?”

My problem isn’t really with OJ Simpson, but it was easy to take this question and insert my sister-in-law’s name instead. And my heart sunk when I admitted the true answer to myself. For some reason, I have always felt like she deserved anything she got. In my head, I determined that she had sex outside of marriage and deserved to get pregnant to show the whole world her sinfulness. I felt like she earned her difficult marriage sentence for not going into the union in a Godly manner. In fact, it gave me pleasure to know that I had saved myself for marriage and was, therefore, obviously better than her. I was proud of my perfect marriage and told myself that I deserved it because I had done things the right way. I don’t think this about ANYONE else who had sex outside of marriage or struggles through a difficult marriage for any reason. I don’t even think these thoughts about Michael when he played the counterpart in all of these deeds. Yet, I somehow justify thinking these things about Kaela because of the continuous wrongs I record her doing. I tried really hard to love her despite all of these things. I genuinely put everything aside and made every effort to be her friend unconditionally. But, when things got worse, I reclaimed my old feelings towards her and added all of her recent transgressions to the list. When the conflicts between us began, I bit my tongue not as much out of love, but out of self-righteousness, knowing that I had been called to a higher state of being by God (true), but also knowing that as long as I stayed quiet, her actions would show the world her own sin and she would only end up making herself look bad while I remained untainted.

Oh, it hurts to even put those words on paper. I want to quickly delete them before I publish this post so that I maintain my reputation. But, the truth is that it’s important to be transparent. Keeping these thoughts to myself allows me to brush them under the rug and walk away. Exposing them forces me to clean up the mess.

This is going to take awhile to clean up, though, because everything within me wants to continue to justify my feelings and claim innocence. I realize, though, that my pride is only going to fuel this fire.

After reading these two articles, I thought again of Kaela, this time in a different light. I thought of how alone she must really feel. Yeah, she chose to move to a different state and yes she does live with her parents there and even has her co-workers. But she has isolated herself from so many of her friends and family members, even pushing away the ones who could support her the most. Regardless of whether it’s her fault or not, she must feel like her world is crumbling and she has nothing to hold on to. More than that, she obviously is not seeking God or leaning on Him for support. Last time I knew, she was angry at God because she had prayed that He would make Michael a Godly husband and felt like God had not answered her prayers. Add this to a weak foundation of faith and a perspective that views everything in her world as negative, and it’s no wonder that she’d find herself questioning God’s existence, love, or will for her life. I can just see Satan whispering into her ear, feeding her lies about the people around her, about me, about Michael, mostly about God. That last one brings me nearly to tears. I only say nearly because I’m at work at have to maintain a professional demeanor. But to think of how God must look at Kaela as His daughter; how His heart must break to see her turn her back on Him as she believes that He has ignored her cries. Yet He holds out His arms just waiting for her to return.

I still don’t want to have any friendship with Kaela right now, but I don’t want her to stay where she is. I do believe that God has the ability to redeem her life and I should be praying for her in exactly that way. In fact, the Bible commands me to (Matthew 5:44). To help me do this, I am considering making it a point for Michael, Jesse, and I to pray together every time we sit down for dinner. We need to pray more in our house and dinner-time gives us an appointed time to do so. Also, since the three of us are usually together, it’ll allow us to lift up Kaela as a family. I think praying for her will keep each one of our attitudes in check so that no bitter roots build up amongst us towards her.

I know this isn’t infertility-related. In fact, I intended it to be only one aspect of everything I shared with you today. However, the extent of my writing shows the impact this is having on my heart. And, while I considered moving this to my other blog, I figured that I shared my heart with you guys first and I hope that anything I’ve said will speak to you in any place where you are also experiencing conflict.

More to come soon, I promise.

[EDIT] Pete Wilson read my blog! And he emailed me and told me that he loved it! And he wants to add me to his blogroll! WOW! Check out his blog on my blogroll @ "Without Wax".

Part 3- Final Part

As a conclusion to my blogs about my weeks, I wanted to share the most encouraging thing I have witnessed. Last weekend, I was home alone which I didn't want to be, working on an art project that I didn't want to do, and I was watching SuperNanny. Normally, this show consists of Nanny Jo Frost coming to the aid of families whose children lack discipline and need some structure and rules. That's an understatement. Often they kids run and scream and hit and cuss. Jo teaches the parents some techniques to implement which teaches the kids to obey.

This episode was very different, though. The mom, Antoinette, was in her late 30's or so. The dad, Dwight, was in his mid-40's, and they had a 2 year old daughter and 5 month old son. When they met through a best friend Rolin, everyone in their circle of friends knew they were meant for each other. The pair of them didn't waste time... they married and bought their first home together in Southern California. Their idyllic life got even better when Antoinette realized they were pregnant with their first child, daughter Selah. Dwight was promoted at work as an engineer and brought home an executive's salary. They were a happy little family, with the normal challenges of guiding daughter Selah through her terrible twos and making a house into a home. More good news came when Antoinette learned she and Dwight were pregnant again and she would give birth to a son. That's when their lives were shattered. Dwight learned the stomach ulcers he was being treated for had been misdiagnosed--he actually had stage III gastric cancer. He lived for another eight months, long enough to spend a few months with his newborn son, and died on August 14, 2008. His deathbed wish was for his wife to carry on and be a happy mom to their kids. The day before her husband died, Antoinette called Supernanny asking for help learning to parent alone. Emotions run high when Jo Frost arrives shortly thereafter. Dwight had passed away 2 weeks earlier, and Antoinette, who was dealing with a 2 very young kids, had no time to grieve the death of her husband.

Along with teaching the mom some tips about having a routine and feeding her kids, Jo took the mom out to the park to process some of the feelings she was experiencing. They went to an isolated park where Jo asked the mom how she was feeling. She began to cry, saying that she was angry. Jo asked her, "Why are you angry?" The mom replied with tears streaming down her face in total agony, "Because he left me! It wasn't supposed to be this way! I waited a long time to get married and have kids. Why can't I have just a little more time? I finally had what I was supposed to have. We were a team. We had a plan! Now, I have to come up with a different plan, and I have to do it alone!"

As I watched, I sobbed. My heart broke for her. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life and being left to raise our kids by myself. I thought, "I never want to experience that."

As the show continued, Jo had the mom record videos telling the kids stories about their dad for them to know about him as they grew up. These stories included tales of their engagement and things that he liked to do. All of it so that his legacy could live on. At the end of the show, Jo surprised the mom with videos her husbands friends had made. One friend told the kids stories about how their dad reacted to each of their births. When their daughter Selah was born, he said that her dad went out and bought 250 dresses for her. He was just so excited to doll up his little princess. And when their son was born, he was so proud to have a son. He said that Dwight never was angry at God for his illness. He never felt short-changed for having to leave his family early. Instead, He was thankful for every day that God gave him. I was amazed by this statement. I think you could be completely justified in feeling short-changed because you have to leave your young family. I can understand why his wife would feel short-changed for losing her husband and being left alone. I don't blame my brother-in-law Michael for feeling short-changed in his divorce or even his wife for feeling short-changed. Heck, I often feel short-changed in my infertility.

It didn't occur to me until the next day when I saw my piece of artwork hanging on the sanctuary walls- a silhouette of a man falling into the arms of God. This was paired with the song lyrics, "I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God." It didn't occur to me until we sang that song and I looked at that silhouette and realized that I had been drawing it with tears streaming down my face as I watched that show. It didn't occur to me until then that falling is often scary. When we fall down, we're likely to get hurt. When we are dreaming and feel like we're falling, it's often associated with terror and we often wake up in a panic. No one likes to fall... And when we're falling, it's easy to feel short-changed. You don't think that you deserve to have to fall.

But when we realize that we're falling into the arms of a mighty God, when we realize that sometimes it feels like we're falling but that God is ready to catch us and we'll land unharmed, then we can realize that falling doesn't equate to being short-changed. Dwight knew he wasn't being short-changed in his premature death. Michael isn't being short-changed in his divorce. And I am not short-changed in my infertility. And when it feels like I'm falling, I can rest assured that I will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God.

Part 2

Just one week after Michael moved in with us, I attended a family game day at my cousins' house. I come from a really big family. My mom is the youngest of 6 kids and every single one of those children had at least 2-6 of their own. Now, many of those kids are married and having families of heir own. This leaves me with 21 1st cousins and 20 2nd cousins just on my mom's side of the family. And all but 3 cousins and their families live within 15 miles of me. I am really close to many of these family members and am fortunate enough to have great relationships and a lot of support from them.

Many people who blog about their infertility describe the difficulty in dealing with family members who don't understand and often say really hurtful things. I am fortunate enough to not experience this very often. I do, however, have one particular cousin, one that I am pretty close to, who seems to not understand at all. When I first began trying to conceive, she was extremely excited for me. I had spent the previous year living with her before I got married. She was a newly single mother of a 3 year old daughter and 4 year old son. As she worked swing shift, I practiced my parenting skills, picking up the kids and feeding them dinner, entertaining them, disciplining them, bathing them and tucking them into bed with songs and prayers. So, when I got married and decided to begin trying to have a baby, my cousin, Liz, was genuinely excited for me. But when my own excitement turned into worry, her optimism (I assume) came across as insensitivity. It made sense back then when I was still in the normal range of "conceivable" time. In fact, most people responded this way. But as the months have turned into a year, her response remains the same.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to her younger sister about some hormonal and medical issues she'd been having. In fact, her symptoms sounded to me like endometriosis. So I suggested that she mention it to her doctor because she wouldn't want to find out years later when she tried to have kids and couldn't. At this particular game night, she was updating me with the most recent blood tests revealing a low thyroid level and her current course of treatment including charting her cycles. I asked her, out of curiosity, if her cycles were longer than 35 days which could mean that she wasn't ovulating. Liz, overhearing this question, responded quickly, "That can't be true! I've had 2 kids and I've always had long cycles, sometimes more than a month and 1/2 between periods!" I responded, "Liz, it doesn't mean that you can't ever get pregnant. You may ovulate one month and not another. You just got lucky." She responded in disbelief and I was like, "Liz, I've studied this for over a year!" The conversation turned back to her younger sister's medical treatments and then there were many games that followed.

A few hours later, as we were walking out the door, Liz made a comment to me about not getting to talk to me much. I told her that she could just talk to her younger sister to find out everything that was going on with me. She responded, "I heard some of it. I can't believe you are actually taking fertility drugs now!" I said, "Liz, it's been over a year." She said back, "Yeah, but lots of people try for years and years." UGH!!! I just can't believe how some people don't understand that trying for years and years is not normal! Something is probably wrong with you if it takes that long!!! And, infertility is not one of those things that doctors treat haphazardly and just subscribe pills to "see if this works". We had to wait a full year to even seek medical intervention since we had nothing to hint at a problem. Then we had to undergo extensive tests, and the drugs I am on currently are the least invasive, most reasonable next step to take at this point for us. More than anything, I was taken aback at the idea of still having to justify my infertility after a year of not conceiving. It made me wonder how much would be enough to prove my infertility? Would 2 years be enough? 3 years? 5 years?

The very next day, I attended my family Bible study, attended by many of the same cousins and aunts. I don't always go, but this particular week was related to infertility and my mom thought I may have a unique perspective to offer. Before the study, I sat down at the computer to check all my messages and blogs. It's here where I first read my sister-in-law's blog that completely attacked my brother-in-law. Then I opened up my blogger dashboard and learned that one person who had just announced her pregnancy was announcing the loss of her baby. And another fellow infertility blogger whose wife was recently pregnant had just experienced a significant amount of bleeding and things didn't look too good. Then we began the study...

The study is called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. She is a strong woman of faith and has a heart for God. This particular week's study was about the dreams that little girls have like being beautiful, being a bride, having children, and living happily after. Each dream was broken down into a day's study and examined from a Biblical perspective. So, this day's study was about having children. The basic idea presented by Beth was that even if you aren't fruitful with physical children, you can have spiritual children through ministries that allow you to encourage younger believers in their faiths. I think in and of itself, this idea is true. But, there are so many dreams not met through spiritual children that can only be met through physical children. I want to BE pregnant. I want to feel my child grow inside of me. I want to physically bring this baby into the world through childbirth. I want to hold my baby in my arms and know that this child was conceived in the love that Jesse and I share. I want to look at his/her face and know that they carry our features. I want Jesse to teach his son to play catch and dance with his daughter on his feet. Spiritual children don't meet these dreams.

One point Beth made in the study was that God gives you the desires of your heart when you delight in Him, when your desires line up with His desires for you. Therefore, if you are seeking God with all of your heart, and your desires don't change, especially ones that you feel deep to your core, I believe that you can stand on the belief that those desires are from God and that He must give them to you at some time. Now, this could be fulfilled in other ways. More than being pregnant, I just want to be a mom. So, perhaps God will still make me a mom through adoption. Not every aspect of my dream would be met, but I would ultimately have children, fulfilling the purpose of the dream, right? As for me, this is how I look at my current situation. I believe that God has given me the desire to be a mother. I believe He has equipped me with many skills to do it well. And I have to believe that if I am seeking Him and my desire has not changed, He will fulfill it one way or another.

I think people are scared to stand on this promise, though. What if your desire never changes and God never gives you kids? Does that make Him a liar? I don't know how to answer these questions completely. I do not believe God is a liar. That one is easy. What does it mean, though? I have no clue. And my lack of answers concerning this used to make me angry towards God, and made my infertility something I struggled with. I came to a point, though, that I had to believe God knew better than me. I had to believe in His sovereignty even in my situation. I had to believe that He had a purpose in it even if I didn't understand what He was doing.

In the study, though, I found myself surrounded by people who could easily shrug off infertility by saying that there is a blessing in barrenness (read my previous blog to see how I feel about that) and that you can have spiritual children even if you can't have physical children. The only person who has experienced infertility at all in this group of people was my mom. It took her 4 years and a miscarriage to finally have me. But she didn't go through the same struggles that I have. As I've discussed my journey with her, she struggles to understand. She didn't feel the same urgency. She didn't have any worries. She wasn't even really actively trying. She was more focused on her marriage, moving, and jobs and just assumed it would happen at some point. It just happened to take 4 years and a miscarriage to reach that point. Everyone else in the room had children without any difficulty or has not even tried to have kids yet.

The basic idea of the study was one founded in truth, but it so quickly dismissed the hurts of infertility and the dreams that are missed out on when one experiences barrenness. It was difficult for me to sit there those few hours and listen to the points of the study, still feeling like I had to justify why spiritual children will not suffice every need. My heart ached. It ached for my brother-in-law and the horrible effects of divorce. It ached for how some people allow difficult situations to bring out the bad in them. It ached for others whose hearts were also aching as they were facing the death of a miracle. And it ached for myself, as I strive to understand God in my infertility and strive for others to understand it as well.

Yesterday, though, I experienced a moment that makes up for all of the moments that no one understands- a moment that gives me encouragement in the midst of infertility- a moment that makes me feel like what I am going through matters even to those who don't understand it- in reality, a moment where someone takes the time to ask me how I am and delve into the difficult questions. You see, I work in the nursery at my small church. Each week, I sit through the service in a playroom surrounded by mothers and their tiny toddlers. When I began doing it, I thought that I would quickly become one of them, but as time goes on, I often find myself sitting on the outside. They share their stories of pregnancy and childbirth and I share my fertility treatments. They share stories of the things that their kids do and I share stories of the things my cousins' kids do. In fact, one woman in this group is 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child, and she got pregnant the very first month she began trying which happened to be 5 months after I started trying. Yesterday was an odd day. There was only 1 mother and 2 small kids, so the nursery was much quieter than normal. Yesterday, amongst the many topics we discussed, this mom took the time to ask me how things were going with my doctor's appointments. Then she went deeper and asked me how I handled working in the nursery with all of the kids and even the pregnant moms. She said she had even discussed the question with the mom who is currently pregnant, and they wondered how hard it must be for me. She acknowledged that I am not a selfish or jealous person so I probably don't wallow in self-pity, but that it must be difficult to be surrounded by every week. I got to share some of the struggles and the hopes that God has given me through it all. To me, this is big! It means the world to me to have someone just take the time to learn more about what I'm going through. This is the biggest thing I have experienced in the past year and one of the biggest things I've experienced in my entire life. And yet, people often ignore it because they don't know what to say. How much it means to me to have someone take the time to just ask and try to understand! I left that day feeling refreshed, feeling like at least 1 more person has gained understanding into the issues of infertility. I didn't have to justify anything. I didn't have to prove anything. I just got to tell my story and know that someone cared enough about me to ask for it.

Not everyone will understand infertility. Some people don't care to acknowledge it. Some people just don't get it. Some people will not ever encounter it. But I believe God has allowed me to experience this for a purpose. I believe that He has/is giving me a testimony through it all. And, I see it as a joy to enlighten others on the issue and to share how God works in my life in this way, even if that's just one person at a time...

Part 3 to come...

Part 1

As I've said multiple times in the recent posts, I have struggled with what to write about the recent events of my life, but being that I am home sick and just received a not-so-nice email regarding one of the issues I've been tiptoeing around writing about, I have decided that I'm just gonna suck it up and write out everything that's been going on. This is, after all, MY BLOG! So, here we go:

The first big event was my brother-in-law moving in with us. As some background information, Jesse and I each only have 1 sibling- both of them being a brother.

(David, Me, Jesse, & Michael)

Coincidentally, I am the oldest of all four. Jesse’s brother, Michael, is just 3 ½ months younger than I am. My brother, David, is 11 months younger than Michael and Jesse is 9 months younger than David. I was actually closer to Michael than I was to Jesse for most of the 8 years that we have all gone to church together.

Our youth group only consisted of about 8 regular members along with 3-4 who came in occasionally on the side. The 8 of us were best friends, though. We did EVERYTHING together. And, all of us, at one point or another, had a crush on someone else in the group. It makes sense when you consider that we all wanted to be in relationships with someone who held our same values and interests. Our choices were limited, though. Each person was related to at least one other person. I was related to three! So, it was a given that with Michael being the only guy my age, we were bound to consider the possibility of romance at some point. I always thought Michael was an absolutely great guy, and there were aspects of him that I did like, but when it came to thinking about the guy that I could spend the rest of my life with, I was pretty certain it wasn’t him. The most that ever happened between us was going together to a homecoming dance and seeing one moving on a date one time in which we didn’t even touch each other. We remained close friends, though, throughout all of these years. When we were both 20 years old, we stayed up really late talking one night. Out of curiosity, I asked Michael if he still had feelings for me. He admitted that he kinda did, but said that he had recently begun liking a girl at his work and was considering asking her out. It was during this same time that my feelings for Jesse had begun to change. He was no longer the immature jock who I had nothing in common with. He was graduating high school and planning his college career. And, most importantly, I had witnessed Jesse growing in his relationship with God in ways I had never seen before. Michael and I agreed that we could once and for all decide that we weren’t meant to ever be together. That same week, Jesse and I began dating, and just 8 days later Michael asked out “that girl from work.” Just over a year later, Michael and Kaela got married. And Jesse and I followed a year after that. You can read our story in full here.

I say all of this to lead up to the fact that Michael and Kaela had everything going against them from the very beginning of their relationship. And, when they got married, this complications just compounded on one another, and both of them made horrendous mistakes. Now, after 2 ½ years of marriage and 2 young kids, they have decided to get a divorce. Jesse and I were more than willing to offer our home to Michael during this difficult transitional time. We know that he hasn't been perfect in this ordeal, but he’s our brother and we love him. So, Michael moved in nearly 2 weeks ago, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Michael has been very honest about the mistakes that he made during his marriage, and it has been my prayer for him that God would use this terrible situation for Micheal's good. I pray that he grows to know God in a new and intimate way that he's never experienced before. I pray that through this, he grows to become the Godly father that he needs to be for his kids. And, as Michael is only 23 years old, I think it is very likely that he can get remarried in the distant future, and I pray that God uses this time to create character in Michael so that he can be the Godly head of the household that he has failed to be so far. I pray that my relationship with Jesse will show him that you CAN have a wonderful, happy, Godly marriage and that it will be a daily example to him of how to love each other as you love God.

My heart breaks daily for Michael, though. He and his wife had just moved to Idaho from Oregon (where we live) a month before they decided to get a divorce. They were living in one bedroom (with both kids) of her parents' house, and Michael was planning on going to school there beginning in May. When this divorce was decided upon, Michael was put into the difficult position of staying in Idaho where he had no one except his ex-wife, her parents, and his kids or to come home where he had his whole family and church support but to leave his kids. Compound that with the fact that he was receiving unemployment after a big corporate layoff and was awaiting his grant for school from this layoff meaning he couldn't get a job to get his own place without losing everything, and the decision to come back to Oregon was really the only one he could make. He still plans on moving back in May when school starts, and he'll be able to support himself then. It seemed that his wife supported this decision, as he needs his family, until he actually left. Then she lashed out and accused him of leaving his "real" family and abandoning his kids. I can tell you that Michael loves his kids more than anything. I watched him pour out his heart in church last night to our small group, choking up and crying as he described how much it hurt to miss out on Thanksgiving with his 2 year old daughter and 9 month old son. He calls almost daily and endures brutal verbal attacks from his wife, just to be able to say hi or goodnight to his kids. And he has sucked it all up and kept his cool, not wanting to do anything that would compromise his future with his kids.

Meanwhile, she has posted a blog on myspace that tells everyone everything that Michael has ever done wrong while she maintains the victim role, and she continues to write horrible things about him for everyone to read. She even told everyone that he left his family there to move in with his brother and ex-girlfriend who happens to now be married to his brother! (See above to be reminded that I never dated Michael) I believe that this reaction is very normal and very common in divorce. I believe that God created marriage to be a sacred bond uniting two people as one. And, when divorce happens, you have to figure out how to separate yourself from the other person, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I believe God hates divorce because it goes against His plan for man. I believe God hates divorce because of all of the repercussions it creates. And I believe God hates divorce because it brings out characteristics in people that go completely against His character- hate and bitterness and jealousy and anger, etc. It's normal, but it's unfortunate. In fact, it's awful. And it's difficult to be on the receiving end of it.

I have read everything that she has posted about Michael and (indirectly) about Jesse and I. I have read the comments she has made implying that her "true" friends are those who have supported her as she lashes out at him. In all of this, I have remained silent. I have not responded to any of it out, neither wanting to create drama by telling her how I really feel nor wanting to condone her behavior by saying anything supportive. I have considered taking her off of my friend's list, but have not wanted to do anything to make it look like I am singling her out or making a personal attack on her.

Truth be told, I don't want to be her friend. I've had an off-and-on relationship with her from the very beginning. We were best friends up until she became pregnant with her first child. Something happened in her, most likely hormonal, and she became the most hateful and horrible person I've ever encountered. I couldn't handle the complaints and negativity when she had the husband and child that I so longed for while I was going through the most difficult time I've ever had- the break-up that Jesse and I had before we got married. During this time, I threw her a bridal shower and was the maid of honor in her wedding, despite the fact that I had not talked to her in months. I would've backed out but I knew that she didn't have anyone else. My mom, in fact, paid for a huge portion of both the shower and wedding. Afterwards, all I heard were complaints from her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't have any relationship with her at all until Jesse and I got back together 8 months later. I knew that Jesse and I were going to be married and that she would be my sister-in-law. So, I put aside everything from the past and determined to have as much of a friendship as possible. For the most part, we were able to gain back the relationship we had before. There were things that were still difficult, things that she did that I didn't agree with or didn't like, but we got along pretty well. That is, until September of this year, just a month before they moved to Idaho. During this time, she was experiencing some really difficult times, including a whole slew of hormonal issues like post-partum depression, a difficult time in her marriage to Michael, and a terrible job where she was over-worked, under-paid, and mistreated. Knowing how difficult it was for them, Jesse and I tried everything we could do to be there for them. But, one night, Jesse said something teasingly to her and she took it horribly wrong. She harrassed him for days with angry text messages and demanded a face-to-face apology from him. It broke my heart to see my husband hurting. So, when I told her what I thought of the whole situation, she told me that it was all Jesse's fault, she said awful things about my mom and brother, and said that she wished I had never been her maid of honor, and that I was just jealous of her because she could have kids and I couldn't.

Jesse and I didn't want them to leave for Idaho and have this situation hanging over our heads. So we sucked it all up, said our apologies, and chose to look past the rude comments to still maintain a relationship with them. I decided at this point that I had witnessed too many hateful things come from this person and she was not someone that I really wanted to be friends with, but that I wanted to keep an open relationship with her to maintain a relationship with my brother-in-law, niece, and nephew. I would send her messages about once a week to see how they were doing after the move, but she was always so negative describing everything that was wrong. So, I struggled with what to say. When she told me about their divorce, I told her that we loved them and that I wanted to be there for her if she needed anything. She said that Michael really needed his family and that it was important for Jesse to be there for him. It was just 1 week later that Michael took a long Greyhound bus ride back to Oregon and moved in with us. And, thus we are up to date.

As I said, I haven't said anything to her during this time as to avoid the drama. I have been debating and wrestling with how to describe any of this on this blog, though. It's not infertility related but affects me very deeply. But, I wasn't sure how much to open up on here not knowing if she even reads this blog. And I certainly didn't want to say anything to offend her or cause more problems. But, if I wrote vaguely and didn't say anything in detail then I wasn't really saying what was on my heart.

Today, I received an email from her. She asked me why I haven't emailed her or called her or asked how she is doing. She said that we had been friends, I had been her maid of honor, and her sister-in-law and yet I wasn't there for her while she was going through this. She ended the email saying, "thank you for all the good times and I am sorry you have chosen the path that you have. I am a great person and friend to have." I am at a loss for words to even reply back to her. Is it even worth it? Why am I so worried about maintaining a friendship with someone who I feel so negatively towards? I think it's because, for one thing, I don't want to acknowledge that there may be someone in this world that might not like me. I'm a great person, right?! :-) For another thing, she will always be a part of my life in one way or another. She will always be the mother of my niece and nephew and I don't want any conflict with her to keep them from being in my life. And lastly, I don't want to do anything that compromises my witness for God and responds in a way that is not Christ-like. So, how do I speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 says?

While I still don't know how to respond to her, Jesse and I try to allow this situation to only bring about good in our household, though. We refuse to allow the lies surrounding this ordeal to get to us. When the past and present conflicts come up in conversations, we make it a point to express love to one another and offer prayer to God as the best response to our feelings. Jesse and I have made it a point to learn from the mistakes we've witnessed and consciously take steps towards loving each other more and more like God tells us to. We hug each other more tightly, we kiss more passionately, and we express our appreciation for each other more often. And, I hope that the love Jesse and I show to each other will be a great example to Michael of a Godly marriage. Divorce is an awful thing, but if we can allow God to use it for Michael's good and for our's, then He can be glorified in it.

To not overwhelm you, I will break up everything I have to say in multiple blogs and you can read at your leisure. I do not mean this blog to be a venting or a way to talk badly about others. I share this story primarily because it affects me every single day and makes up the things that God is teaching me. More to come...

Update

Lately, I've been struggling with what to write on this blog, not for lack of something to say but really because the things I've been going through are kinda all over the place. Some of them are not infertility related, but affect me nonetheless. These are difficult to describe, though, because they affect the people closest to me, and frankly, if I said exactly what's on my mind, it may offend someone directly related and cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Yet, I struggle with tiptoeing around the issue because this IS my blog, and I want to say what I'm going through, especially if God is teaching me something through it. Other things I'm going through are more related to the issues of this blog, but I'm still at a loss for words to express what's on my heart.

Truth be told, I've started writing this blog at least 4 times already. I have 2 rough drafts saved in my "drafts", both just stopping part way through it. As I was in the shower this morning, I thought about a different way to approach all of the issues, but also thought that I would like to do just a general update of my trying to conceive journey.

When I began this blog, I simply started it as a way to chronicle the things I went through in getting pregnant. As the months added up, though, it became a way for me to vent my frustrations through the process. And, as I came to terms with my infertility, it became a way for me to engage with other people who are going through the same things. Here, we have a mutual ministry. I am so thankful for each and every person whose blog I am connected to. They speak to me in unbelievable ways, helping me to stay strong and encouraging me that I'm not alone. I look at my own blog as a ministry as well. I hope that the things that I share help others to see God in their journey as well. But, I do not want to neglect the simple day-to-day aspects of this process because they are not deeply profound. I still want this to be the chronicle I started it off to be.

So, I say all of this leading up to my current cycle, which is probably the most bizarre I've ever experienced. Normally, I start my period on cycle day 1, am done with it by cycle day 5. Then I usually a positive ovulation test around cycle day 11-12 and ovulate by cycle day 13. During this time, my basal body temperature is in the 96.0-97.0 range. The day after ovulation occurs (usually cycle day 14) my temperature spikes up to the 97.0-98.0 range and stays there until my period is just about to start again, when it drops back down to the 96.0-97.0 range. This usually is about 13 days.

(A totally normal chart from last month)

However, this cycle has been totally different. As most of you know, my cycle began on November 14th. On November 17th (cycle day 4), I had my last blood test, received my official diagnosis of "unexplained infertility", and was written a prescription for Clomid. I started the Clomid the very next day (cycle day 5) and was supposed to continue it until Saturday the 22nd (cycle day 9). I decided to take the pills just before bed because I've heard the side effects can be horrendous with hot flashes, cramps, headaches, bloating, etc. I had also heard that it could make you drowsy, so I figured that I could just take it before bed and sleep off any side effects. In general, I didn't experience any side effects. I think it did make me drowsy because that first night I slept more soundly than I had in months, sleeping through things that normally wake me up easily. The only other possible side effect was that my period seemed to last much longer than normal as I was still spotting 2 days past my normal length. It was hard to find other people who have experienced this, but I did find someone who seemed to have the same experience, so I assume it really was the Clomid.

After that, my temperature seemed to be all over the place. At the high points, it was over 97.0, but wasn't staying there. Instead, it would drop to a low below 96.0, much lower than normal. Furthermore, I didn't get a positive ovulation test until yesterday (cycle day 15) and I have yet to see a significant rise in my temperature to indicate that ovulation has occurred.

(My current cycle)

The later ovulation occurs, the longer my whole cycle lasts since generally your luteal phase (from ovulation to next period) stays relatively the same. I don'really know what to expect this month. I guess my new "go-with-the-flow", no script mentality is being tested :-)

I still plan on posting a more in-depth blog soon. Thanks for bearing with me through the mundane. In other news, I have a great day planned for today. In lieu of my very romantic date night we had planned for tonight, I decided to go with the very fun date day in which we will go see a funny movie, get our Christmas tree and decorate, and go out and do some fun activity. YAY! I'm super excited! Definitely more pics to come :-)

Blessed are the Barren???!

Many people title their blogs with creative headings, which somehow convey the theme of their writings. That makes perfect sense, right? Of course it does! Take my blog title, for instance, “Missed Conceptions”. I use it as a play on words: Conception meaning both the fertilization of an egg and subsequent pregnancy AND the understanding of an idea, both lacking or “missed”.

Out of the 30-some-odd blogs that I follow, only two have the same title: Blessed are the Barren. It has a nice ring to it. It gives purpose and meaning to the state we are in. It sounds scriptural like, “Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” In fact, when I heard it, I just accepted it as scriptural truth and moved on. However, yesterday I was reading through one of these aforementioned blogs as she described why she picked the title for her webpage. She was discussing the idea of whether we are blessed in our barrenness presently or are blessed in it in a future tense. And, to further her point, she quoted Luke 23:26-31. An excerpt of it says, “Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed.”

Now, I want to say that the blogs that I have read from this particular person are full of faith and conviction. She is an amazing writer with a heart for God, and I have agreed with her on pretty much everything she has written. When I read this verse, though, I was shocked at how misused (I believe) it is. In fact, I realized that so often those two lines are quoted and believed as true when the surrounding verses give a completely different picture. I will explain more later, but I first wanted to discuss what I’ve learned about barrenness.

This verse prompted me to do an extensive word study on the word “barren”. It’s a word that I NEVER use to describe myself. “Infertility” can be temporary, but “barrenness”, to me, connotes an empty and void, desert-like wasteland. It has a forever feeling about it. I refuse to accept that I will be infertile forever. Therefore, I will not refer to myself as such. The purpose of my study, though, was to see what the Bible really says about barrenness, and the Bible does refer to it as a simple state of childlessness. I did not go in with any specific motive to prooftext. I simply looked up the word “barren” and “womb” in 10 different translations, compiled all of the Scriptures that used those words (roughly 75-80), broke down each usage of the words into Greek & Hebrew and studied their meanings and usage, and discovered the context in which they were used. I have more than 18 pages of Scriptures and notes to back up the conclusions that I am about to state to you. This might prove to be a little long, but it helped me to understand things a little better.

So, here is my conclusion about “barrenness”:

I believe that first of all, barrenness is not from God. I believe that it, initially, came as a result of Adam’s sin, since everything before that was good and perfect and innocent. I believe that God spoke each aspect of Creation into being and professed its goodness as each thing reflected God’s own goodness. He formed man in His own image. I do not believe that man was created with any flaws to his physical being. As a result of Adam and Eve’s sin, God cursed creation. This curse brought out hostility, pain, hard work, and destruction. None of these things existed before, but now are a part of our everyday lives. Just as sickness simply exists because we live in a fallen world, so I believe that barrenness also exists. Our bodies no longer function the ways that God created them to. They grow old and deteriorate and hurt and break.
*Genesis 1: All of Creation was deemed as “good” after being fashioned by God.
*Romans 1:19-20- “…since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”
*Psalm 19:1- “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.”
*Genesis 3:14-18: God’s curse on creation because of Adam and Eve

Next, I believe that God is the one who opens and closes the womb. He is the one who forms a child in its mother’s womb. It is a very purposeful thing:
God Closed Wombs:
*Genesis 20:18- “for the Lord had closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech because of Sarah, Abraham’s wife.” (She lied about not being his wife, and almost caused Abimelech to sin.)
*Genesis 30:2- “And Jacob’s anger was aroused against Rachel, and he said, ‘Am I in the place of God, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’”
*1 Samuel 1:5- “But to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, although the Lord had closed her womb.”
*1 Samuel 1:6- “And her rival also provoked her severely, to make her miserable, because the Lord had closed her womb.”
God Opened Wombs:
*Genesis 29:31- “When the Lord saw that Leah was unloved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren.”
*Genesis 30:22- “Then God remembered Rachel, and God listened to her and opened her womb.” (After she had witnessed her husband father 11 other babies with other women.)
Formed in the Womb by God:
*Psalm 139:13- “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.”
*Isaiah 44:2- “Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you.”
*Isaiah 44:24- “Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, And He who formed you from the womb: “ I am the Lord, who makes all things, Who stretches out the heavens all alone, Who spreads abroad the earth by Myself;”
*Isaiah 49:5- “And now the Lord says, Who formed Me from the womb to be His Servant, To bring Jacob back to Him, So that Israel is gathered to Him (For I shall be glorious in the eyes of the Lord, And My God shall be My strength)”
*Isaiah 66:9- “Shall I bring to the time of birth, and not cause delivery?” says the Lord. “Shall I who cause delivery shut up the womb?” says your God.”
*Jeremiah 1:5- “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

I believe, wholeheartedly, that barrenness/ child-Loss in not a blessing. In fact, it is quite the opposite (often used as a curse, punishment, or burden):
*Hosea’s request for Israel: “No birth, no pregnancy, and no conception! Give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts! (Hosea 9:14)
*God’s threat to Jerusalem: “ I will take away the children you hold dear.” (Jeremiah 15:7)
*Threat of God: “Wild animals will attack you and rob you of your children.” (Ezekiel 5:17)
*Israel’s Punishment: “Even if you do have children who grow up, I will take them from you.” (Hosea 9:12)
*Samuel says to Agag, “As your sword has killed the sons of many mothers, now your mother will be childless.” (1 Samuel 15:33)
*A curse against Judah and Jerusalem: “Let their wives become childless widows.” (Jeremiah 18:21)
*Proverbs 30:15-16 says, “There are three things that are never satisfied- no, four that never say, “Enough!”: the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.”

There were several women (6 that I know of) in the Bible who experienced infertility/barrenness:
*Sarah (Genesis 11:30, Genesis 12:1-3, Genesis 15, Genesis 21:1, Genesis 24:1)
*Rebekah (Genesis 25:21)
*Rachel (Genesis 29:31, Genesis 30:22)
*Samson’s mother (un-named) (Judges 13:2-3, 24)
*Hannah (1 Samuel 1:2, 20)
*Elisabeth (Luke 1:13,18, 57)

God doesn’t say exactly why He allowed each woman to remain barren, but I do know that through it, His glory was shown. I believe that Sarah and Elisabeth were examples of God’s ability to perform miraculously in the “impossible” situations. I don’t know why Rebekah & Hannah had to go through it for so long, but I do know that God chose to work through prayer in both of their situations. I believe that Rachel was allowed to be barren because she had the love of her husband, while God opened Leah’s womb because she was unloved by her husband. I believe that it could be said of all 6 women that God purposed the specific timing of their children in order to further His plan for all of history. Samson, for example, needed to be born at that particular time in history in order to defeat the Philistines.

Never does it say, though, that their barrenness was a gift from God. Instead, in every single one of their cases, God answered their prayers, taking away their barrenness, and bringing them the gifts they were seeking (even if they had long given up on them).

In fact, repeatedly, the Bible says that children are a blessing from Him:
*Genesis 49:25- May the God of your father help you; May the Almighty bless you with the blessings of the heavens above, and blessings of the watery depths below, and blessings of the breasts and womb.
*Psalm 127:3-5- “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them.”
*Genesis 1:22- “Then God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply. Let the fish fill the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.”

Only one place in the entire Bible have I found a verse that says anything remotely close to barrenness being a blessing. This is the very first verse I mentioned and the purpose of this blog. For I believe this is completely taken out of context by those who use it in this way:
Luke 23:26-31 says, “As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus. A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' Then they will say to the mountains, "Fall on us!"and to the hills, "Cover us!" For if men do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?"

I believe that what Jesus was trying to say here is that the women shouldn’t weep for him as He was being crucified, but they should weep for themselves because of the coming destruction of the world. He essentially said, “There will come a time when people will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, those who never had kids,” because things will be so bad! I liken this to Paul saying that it would be better for you to stay unmarried. Paul said this at a time that the Christians were being slaughtered by Emperor Nero. He was crucifying them, feeding them to lions, and burning them at the stakes. I believe that Paul was emphasizing singleness because imagine the added torture you would feel if you had to care for a spouse or kids during a time of persecution. Would you be able to stay strong in your faith if you had to witness your spouse killed before your eyes? Would you be able to do what you need to do if you had to also worry about the safety of your children? Therefore, I believe that Jesus was using this phrase in the same way. He said, “There will come a time when you will say that the barren woman is blessed because she never had kids. For at this time, people will be asking the earth to cave in on them and take their lives. Imagine, if they are doing this to me now when things are good (the grass is green), what will they do when things are bad (it is dry)?”

Having said all of that, though, I do believe that God is a great and merciful God. I serve a God that says that the first shall be last and the last shall be first in the Kingdom of Heaven. He welcomes the downtrodden and broken-hearted. He raises the humble and humbles the proud. He says that we need to lose our life to gain it and holding onto it will only cause us to lose it. He, basically, turns our entire world, our way of thinking, upside-down. I do believe that He blesses us in our suffering. Job, who was inflicted more than anyone you could probably imagine, was still covered by God’s grace when God prohibited Satan from taking Job’s life. And after all of the ailments and heartaches that Job faced, God blessed him in abundance- 10 fold! I believe our trials are a refining fire for us. They get rid of the pieces of our lives that don’t resemble God and strengthen us. Peter told the Christians who were suffering persecution that everything they were going through was a part of God’s grace for them (1 Peter 5:12). I didn’t understand how their suffering was God’s grace until I understood that the true meaning of that phrase was that the grace came in the form of the spiritual place they came to as a result of their suffering. Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3-10) I don’t think that Jesus meant the mourning and persecution were blessing in and of themselves. Instead, the blessings were the things that they encountered because they went through those ordeals.

Yes, I do believe that God blesses those who are barren. In the past year, God has taught me so much about Him and His character. I have been blessed in countless ways! And I know that God is using my infertility to strengthen me as a future mom, as a wife, and as a Christian. But, I do not believe that my barrenness itself is a blessing. I do not believe it is in line with the way God intended things to be. And I don’t think people should hold onto a lie just because it sounds nice. Instead, I think we need to hold onto the truth that God is good because of, despite of, and through our circumstances regardless of how awful they are. In His awesomeness, He chooses to pour out mercy on us. And, it is only because of Him, that I am blessed.