Angel Tree

I just wanted to share one more thing. Last night Jesse and I were at the mall and walked past the Angel Tree with all of the tags hanging on it. I did Angel Trees a lot as a kid. My family would choose a name off of the tree and help to give that kid something special for Christmas. I asked Jesse if he wanted to do it this year. It seems that this year, above past ones, have been able giving to those in need. My church is collecting items to send care packages to the soldiers oversea. In addition, we are collecting clothes to give to the local mission for homeless people. In this spirit, we chose a name off of the Angel Tree at the mall. We decided that since we don't have a baby of our own to dote on this Christmas, we would bless someone else's baby in need.

Meet Seth, only 2 months :



It says that he wants/needs a Leap Frog educational toy. This is probably because the names come from the local relief nursery. However, in addition to that, I'd love to just shower this baby boy with love and gifts. I plan on contacting the nursery to make sure I can get him some more stuff than just that one thing.

It's what Christmas is all about- sharing the love of my Savior with others.

Are you serious?!

I came across this online today. It's made specifically to elevate your legs and pelvis to allow the sperm to get as close to the cervix as possible. This is common enough practice amongst those of us who are trying to conceive. My doctor actually told me it was pointless, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to take any chances. I was willing to try anything to make sure I covered all of my bases. Having said that, though, what happened to just using an old fashioned pillow?

AND....!!!!

It's $65.95! Are you serious?!

Lemons, Burdens, and Fire. Oh My!

My apologies to Jen that it has taken me so long to respond to this award. She gave me The Lemon Award:


The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who "have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade. Jen says they "always have something encouraging to say and have a positive attitude in this unfair world we call infertility".

Jen awarded me for "staying positive with all that is going on in life", and for being "a great encourager" to her.

I really cannot tell you how much this award means to me. It's far greater than receiving a compliment or something nifty to post on my blog that shows that people like me. It is an affirmation to me that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I cannot tell you guys how much I have struggled through my infertility. It only took a few months for me to begin to think that something was wrong with me. Of course, back then, I had nothing more to go on than a gut-intuition, which other people don't really take too seriously. I would spend hours curled up in my bed with my hands on my tummy, imagining it growing, thinking about wearing maternity clothes, coming up with names for each of our children, planning ways that I would reveal the good news to everyone, contemplating how I would decorate their nursery, and dreaming about our lives. I would calculate the best possible day to take a pregnancy test because I couldn't imagine waiting for my period to actually start. I would get my hopes up so high just before taking a pregnancy test that only made my heart sink. Often, I'd crawl back into bed and sob uncontrollably. More and more, these tears became filled with anger as I began to blame God for withholding such a wonderful gift for me. In the midst of it, I'd try to make myself feel better, telling myself that maybe I had tested too early or maybe I had miscalculated the date my period should start. So I'd test again a few days later or just wait. Every ounce of hope ALWAYS ending in extreme disappointment a few days later. I cried. I screamed. I withdrew. I asked questions. And I made up my own answers. Nothing could really express how much my heart was hurting, though. I felt that God had given me this desire to be a mother. I felt that He had inspired Jesse to be ready at that particular time as well. I felt that we had a fantastic marriage and were seeking God and I could not come up with a single reason as to why God was not answering our prayers. Being surrounded by more than 20 other people who were pregnant and having babies at the same time only compounded my pain.

Yet, God began to work in me. He first showed me how great and powerful He really is. Then He showed me the heartbreaking testimony of Angie Smith. And as my heart went out to her as she went through something I couldn't even imagine, He showed me the powerful witness her story was. How her pain was changing the world because He was working through it. And, I realized that no matter how difficult the situation was to go through, that if it meant being a testimony to others and bringing me into a closer relationship with Him, then it was worth it all. That was hard to say aloud. I didn't want to accept any amount of heartache. I didn't want any more heartache than what I was already feeling. But I had to accept that God knew what was best for me.

I came across this picture the other day and I realized that this perfectly describes where I am now. And then, just after I found that picture, I came across this one:

I think this is the most beautiful portrayal of Mary and Jesus that I have ever seen. I think it's partly because of how real the baby looks, emphasizing to me that Jesus really did step off of the throne of Heaven and into the form of a helpless, innocent infant. And then, I think the picture is even more beautiful when I look at Mary holding him close to her as a new mother. The picture has kind of a darker quality to it and Mary doesn't look overly thrilled. I think this reveals a bit of the difficult task that she was partaking in.

As I gazed at this picture, I thought about how Mary accepted this task from God, knowing full well that it could cost her her life. She knew that she could be divorced and, therefore, outcast from her society. She knew that she could be publicly stoned for her "sin" as everyone would believe that she had a pre-marital sex. And, I think that as her belly began to grow and she approached the time to give birth, she couldn't help but realize that she was bearing the Son of God. What a huge task to undertake! I can only imagine the questions that arose in her mind as she wondered how she could possibly raise this child in the way He should go. How would she possibly be able to teach Him what He needed to know when He had created Heaven and Earth? I'm sure she felt inadequate to the core.

And then I realized that just as God called Mary to bear this particular burden, so He also calls me to a carry my particular load. It just so happens that mine is the absolute, total opposite of her's, but it is a great task nonetheless.

I don't believe that God necessarily appoints barrenness on someone, but I do believe that when He allows us to go through it, it is because He is calling us to a bigger purpose. And, now I can see the ministry that God is opening up for me because of my infertility. Most of you I never would've met had I not been going through the same thing you are. And infertility would be something that I skimmed over and ignorantly passed by like most of the population does. Experiencing this myself has softened my heart to the pain that millions of people suffer through everyday. I am finding that not only do they help me to process my own emotions and questions, but provide opportunities for me to share my heart for God and grow with them through this process.

I received an email from a new friend the other day who is just a year older than me and has only been trying to conceive for 2 months more than I have. We actually began our cycles on the exact same day this month, both began Clomid the same day, are both originally Southern girls, and both have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". She asked me how I reconcile my fertility treatments with my faith in God, giving Him control over it all. After I answered her and explained how I've come to see God in this process, she shared with me how she has spent the past 15 months trying to do it on her own. She was so lost and confused, emotionally all over the place. And after I shared my testimony with her, she suddenly began to see it all very differently. She thanked me for sharing, saying that she believed God had brought her to me. I believe it too, and I was overwhelmed by God's grace to allow me to be part of changing someone's life. It was also at the same time in which I received this award from Jen. When I shared all of this with Jesse, he remarked how difficult the journey has been so far. But he added that if we had a baby by now, I wouldn't have been able to share with that girl or each of you each week- the ministry I'd be missing out on!

It's a refining fire. And fire burns. But just as a metal worker stirs his vat of silver, heating it up so that the impurities rise to the top, scooping them out, and knowing that he is done when he sees his own reflection, so God is working in me. And as the temperature rises, the bits of me that don't reflect Him are brought out and God works on removing them; each time allowing me to resemble Him a little bit more.

My heart still aches at times. Ask me how I feel in a week when I've found out if I'm pregnant or not. Fear still arises in me when I think about being in this same place of childlessness NEXT Christmas. I still want more than anything to hold my child in my arms and share that blessing with my husband who I love so dearly. But, when I recognize the calling that God is bringing me to, I know I can make it through one more day... and then one more after that.

~Mandy

Enemies

I love how God speaks to us right when we need Him to. All weekend I’ve been struggling with the conflict I have with my brother-in-law’s wife. Since I last wrote on here, she emailed me and confronted me about not being there to support her. She wanted to know why I hadn’t emailed or called her. She said this forgetting that I did email her as soon as she told me that they were divorcing and told her that I’d be there for her if she needed me. She responded saying that Michael needed his brother and family. So we chose to be there for him and then she got mad about it. She also is forgetting that I emailed her the same day another mutual friend of our’s had who said pretty much the same thing I did. Neither of us have talked to her since, but I’m the one not being supportive while the other friend is one of her only truly loyal friends. She said that regardless of whose side I was on, I had been her maid of honor and her sister-in-law and she thought we had been close, hadn’t we? Upon reading this, I immediately wanted to remind her that she had already told me that she regretted having me as her maid of honor just a couple of months ago. She continued, quoting me as saying that I didn’t know what I would do if Jesse did to me what Michael did to her. Again, I wanted to defend myself because what I said was that I didn’t know if I would stay with him or not if he ever tried to leave me for another girl or cheated on me. I didn’t say that I would slander him all over myspace or tell everyone the awful details of his sins. When Jesse broke my heart a few years ago, I didn’t respond this way and I don’t think that it is a Christ-like response to do so, regardless of how legitimately hurt you are. From there, she said that I should understand since I have witnessed a lot of the torrid details of their marriage and saw how her “husband drug her all the way to another state and left her 2 weeks later.” UGH! I think I’m about ready to scream! From there, she said that she was thankful for all of the good times we had and sorry that I have made the decision I have (to not be her friend). And she basically told me that I was missing out on her wonderful friendship because of my decision.

I wanted so badly to write her back right then and there and tell her EXACTLY what I thought of her. However, that is my flesh screaming out in sin, and my spirit told it to shut up and wait. I didn’t want anything that I said to further fuel an argument, creating lots of drama. So, I waited, considering every possible way to respond to the situation including:
* Telling her what I truly thought
* Telling her the edited, nicer version of what I truly thought
* Not telling her at all what I thought of her, but saying that it had been difficult for me to know how to approach her at all as I am caught between the two people and have been a long-time friend of the person she is in conflict with. Furthermore, telling her that I did not believe that it was the appropriate Christian response to publicly bash someone’s character regardless of how badly they hurt you and, therefore, was unsure how to respond.
* Not answering her at all and letting what happens happen
* Not answering and then choosing to break all connections with her, including deleting her off of my friend’s list.

The conflict was plaguing me. I found it to often be the center of my conversations and it even seeped into my dreams. I wanted to make sure that nothing I did created more drama for me or Michael (as he still keeps in touch with her). I also wanted to make sure that I responded (or didn’t respond) the way God wanted me to, and that any truth I spoke was done in love. Whichever one I wanted more depended on the moment.

Before I made a decision about emailing her, one way or another, she deleted my mom, my brother, and myself off of her friend list and then posted a comment to everyone telling them that I was fake and thought I was better than everyone else. I was at an utter loss of how to respond.

I realized that my emotions were so strong concerning this issue that it was difficult for me to step aside and listen to God. So, I removed myself from everyone else in the house, from the computer, from the tv, and from my cell phone. I crawled into the warm bathtub and closed the curtain, shutting myself off from any distracting stimuli. And as I soaked in the bathtub, I prayed for God to reveal to me the way that He wanted me to respond Within a matter of hours, He emailed me.

Ok. It wasn’t God that emailed me, but He did speak to me through it. You see, Max Lucado is my favorite author and I regularly receive devotional excerpts of his books. I don’t always get time to read every single one, but always save them in my email folders. However, the subject line of this email caught my attention, “Leave Your Enemies in God’s Hands.”

So, I opened it up and here are the words I read:

Leave Your Enemies in God's Hands
by Max Lucado
From “Facing Your Giants"

Some years ago a rottweiler attacked our golden retriever puppy at a kennel. The worthless animal climbed out of its run and into Molly’s and nearly killed her. He left her with dozens of gashes and a dangling ear. I wrote a letter to the dog’s owner, urging him to put the dog to sleep.

But when I showed the letter to the kennel owner, she begged me to reconsider. “What that dog did was horrible, but I’m still training him. I’m not finished with him yet.”

God would say the same about the rottweiler who attacked you. “What he did was unthinkable, unacceptable, inexcusable, but I’m not finished yet.”

Your enemies still figure into God’s plan. Their pulse is proof: God hasn’t given up on them. They may be out of God’s will, but not out of his reach. You honor God when you see them, not as his failures, but as his projects.

God occupies the only seat on the supreme court of heaven. He wears the robe and refuses to share the gavel. For this reason Paul wrote, “Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. ‘I’ll do the judging,’ says God. ‘I’ll take care of it’ ” (Rom. 12:19 MSG).

Revenge removes God from the equation. Vigilantes displace and replace God. “I’m not sure you can handle this one, Lord. You may punish too little or too slowly. I’ll take this matter into my hands, thank you.”

Is this what you want to say? Jesus didn’t. No one had a clearer sense of right and wrong than the perfect Son of God. Yet, “when he suffered, he didn’t make any threats but left everything to the one who judges fairly” (1 Pet. 2:23 GOD’S WORD).

Only God assesses accurate judgments. We impose punishments too slight or severe. God dispenses perfect justice. Vengeance is his job. Leave your enemies in God’s hands. You’re not endorsing their misbehavior when you do. You can hate what someone did without letting hatred consume you. Forgiveness is not excusing.

Nor is forgiveness pretending. David didn’t gloss over or sidestep Saul’s sin. He addressed it directly. He didn’t avoid the issue, but he did avoid Saul.

Do the same. Give grace, but, if need be, keep your distance. You can forgive the abusive husband without living with him. Be quick to give mercy to the immoral pastor, but be slow to give him a pulpit. Society can dispense grace and prison terms at the same time. Offer the child molester a second chance, but keep him off the playgrounds.

Forgiveness is not foolishness.

Forgiveness is, at its core, choosing to see your offender with different eyes. You don’t excuse him, endorse her, or embrace them. You just route thoughts about them through heaven. You see your enemy as God’s child and revenge as God’s job.

By the way, how can we grace-recipients do anything less? Dare we ask God for grace when we refuse to give it? This is a huge issue in Scripture. Jesus was tough on sinners who refused to forgive other sinners. In the final sum, we give grace because we’ve been given grace.

That should be enough said, right? Well, then God decided to make sure I was really getting the message. So when I opened up my blogger dashboard today, I came across the daily sermon of Pete Wilson . He pastors a church in Tennessee and I found his blog through Angie Smith. He was talking about the recent sentencing of OJ Simpson and the way we seem to love to hate this man. Sometimes, this hate stems from revenge. Sometimes it makes me feel better about myself. Sometimes focusing on their immorality allows me to ignore my own. However, Pete continues saying that the Bible is full of people who screwed up royally and yet we would be so quick to judge them if they lived today. Then he said something that hit straight to my heart.

He asked, “Do you believe God can redeem OJ’s life? Let me ask a more probing question. Do you really WANT God to redeem OJ’s life?”

My problem isn’t really with OJ Simpson, but it was easy to take this question and insert my sister-in-law’s name instead. And my heart sunk when I admitted the true answer to myself. For some reason, I have always felt like she deserved anything she got. In my head, I determined that she had sex outside of marriage and deserved to get pregnant to show the whole world her sinfulness. I felt like she earned her difficult marriage sentence for not going into the union in a Godly manner. In fact, it gave me pleasure to know that I had saved myself for marriage and was, therefore, obviously better than her. I was proud of my perfect marriage and told myself that I deserved it because I had done things the right way. I don’t think this about ANYONE else who had sex outside of marriage or struggles through a difficult marriage for any reason. I don’t even think these thoughts about Michael when he played the counterpart in all of these deeds. Yet, I somehow justify thinking these things about Kaela because of the continuous wrongs I record her doing. I tried really hard to love her despite all of these things. I genuinely put everything aside and made every effort to be her friend unconditionally. But, when things got worse, I reclaimed my old feelings towards her and added all of her recent transgressions to the list. When the conflicts between us began, I bit my tongue not as much out of love, but out of self-righteousness, knowing that I had been called to a higher state of being by God (true), but also knowing that as long as I stayed quiet, her actions would show the world her own sin and she would only end up making herself look bad while I remained untainted.

Oh, it hurts to even put those words on paper. I want to quickly delete them before I publish this post so that I maintain my reputation. But, the truth is that it’s important to be transparent. Keeping these thoughts to myself allows me to brush them under the rug and walk away. Exposing them forces me to clean up the mess.

This is going to take awhile to clean up, though, because everything within me wants to continue to justify my feelings and claim innocence. I realize, though, that my pride is only going to fuel this fire.

After reading these two articles, I thought again of Kaela, this time in a different light. I thought of how alone she must really feel. Yeah, she chose to move to a different state and yes she does live with her parents there and even has her co-workers. But she has isolated herself from so many of her friends and family members, even pushing away the ones who could support her the most. Regardless of whether it’s her fault or not, she must feel like her world is crumbling and she has nothing to hold on to. More than that, she obviously is not seeking God or leaning on Him for support. Last time I knew, she was angry at God because she had prayed that He would make Michael a Godly husband and felt like God had not answered her prayers. Add this to a weak foundation of faith and a perspective that views everything in her world as negative, and it’s no wonder that she’d find herself questioning God’s existence, love, or will for her life. I can just see Satan whispering into her ear, feeding her lies about the people around her, about me, about Michael, mostly about God. That last one brings me nearly to tears. I only say nearly because I’m at work at have to maintain a professional demeanor. But to think of how God must look at Kaela as His daughter; how His heart must break to see her turn her back on Him as she believes that He has ignored her cries. Yet He holds out His arms just waiting for her to return.

I still don’t want to have any friendship with Kaela right now, but I don’t want her to stay where she is. I do believe that God has the ability to redeem her life and I should be praying for her in exactly that way. In fact, the Bible commands me to (Matthew 5:44). To help me do this, I am considering making it a point for Michael, Jesse, and I to pray together every time we sit down for dinner. We need to pray more in our house and dinner-time gives us an appointed time to do so. Also, since the three of us are usually together, it’ll allow us to lift up Kaela as a family. I think praying for her will keep each one of our attitudes in check so that no bitter roots build up amongst us towards her.

I know this isn’t infertility-related. In fact, I intended it to be only one aspect of everything I shared with you today. However, the extent of my writing shows the impact this is having on my heart. And, while I considered moving this to my other blog, I figured that I shared my heart with you guys first and I hope that anything I’ve said will speak to you in any place where you are also experiencing conflict.

More to come soon, I promise.

[EDIT] Pete Wilson read my blog! And he emailed me and told me that he loved it! And he wants to add me to his blogroll! WOW! Check out his blog on my blogroll @ "Without Wax".

Part 3- Final Part

As a conclusion to my blogs about my weeks, I wanted to share the most encouraging thing I have witnessed. Last weekend, I was home alone which I didn't want to be, working on an art project that I didn't want to do, and I was watching SuperNanny. Normally, this show consists of Nanny Jo Frost coming to the aid of families whose children lack discipline and need some structure and rules. That's an understatement. Often they kids run and scream and hit and cuss. Jo teaches the parents some techniques to implement which teaches the kids to obey.

This episode was very different, though. The mom, Antoinette, was in her late 30's or so. The dad, Dwight, was in his mid-40's, and they had a 2 year old daughter and 5 month old son. When they met through a best friend Rolin, everyone in their circle of friends knew they were meant for each other. The pair of them didn't waste time... they married and bought their first home together in Southern California. Their idyllic life got even better when Antoinette realized they were pregnant with their first child, daughter Selah. Dwight was promoted at work as an engineer and brought home an executive's salary. They were a happy little family, with the normal challenges of guiding daughter Selah through her terrible twos and making a house into a home. More good news came when Antoinette learned she and Dwight were pregnant again and she would give birth to a son. That's when their lives were shattered. Dwight learned the stomach ulcers he was being treated for had been misdiagnosed--he actually had stage III gastric cancer. He lived for another eight months, long enough to spend a few months with his newborn son, and died on August 14, 2008. His deathbed wish was for his wife to carry on and be a happy mom to their kids. The day before her husband died, Antoinette called Supernanny asking for help learning to parent alone. Emotions run high when Jo Frost arrives shortly thereafter. Dwight had passed away 2 weeks earlier, and Antoinette, who was dealing with a 2 very young kids, had no time to grieve the death of her husband.

Along with teaching the mom some tips about having a routine and feeding her kids, Jo took the mom out to the park to process some of the feelings she was experiencing. They went to an isolated park where Jo asked the mom how she was feeling. She began to cry, saying that she was angry. Jo asked her, "Why are you angry?" The mom replied with tears streaming down her face in total agony, "Because he left me! It wasn't supposed to be this way! I waited a long time to get married and have kids. Why can't I have just a little more time? I finally had what I was supposed to have. We were a team. We had a plan! Now, I have to come up with a different plan, and I have to do it alone!"

As I watched, I sobbed. My heart broke for her. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life and being left to raise our kids by myself. I thought, "I never want to experience that."

As the show continued, Jo had the mom record videos telling the kids stories about their dad for them to know about him as they grew up. These stories included tales of their engagement and things that he liked to do. All of it so that his legacy could live on. At the end of the show, Jo surprised the mom with videos her husbands friends had made. One friend told the kids stories about how their dad reacted to each of their births. When their daughter Selah was born, he said that her dad went out and bought 250 dresses for her. He was just so excited to doll up his little princess. And when their son was born, he was so proud to have a son. He said that Dwight never was angry at God for his illness. He never felt short-changed for having to leave his family early. Instead, He was thankful for every day that God gave him. I was amazed by this statement. I think you could be completely justified in feeling short-changed because you have to leave your young family. I can understand why his wife would feel short-changed for losing her husband and being left alone. I don't blame my brother-in-law Michael for feeling short-changed in his divorce or even his wife for feeling short-changed. Heck, I often feel short-changed in my infertility.

It didn't occur to me until the next day when I saw my piece of artwork hanging on the sanctuary walls- a silhouette of a man falling into the arms of God. This was paired with the song lyrics, "I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God." It didn't occur to me until we sang that song and I looked at that silhouette and realized that I had been drawing it with tears streaming down my face as I watched that show. It didn't occur to me until then that falling is often scary. When we fall down, we're likely to get hurt. When we are dreaming and feel like we're falling, it's often associated with terror and we often wake up in a panic. No one likes to fall... And when we're falling, it's easy to feel short-changed. You don't think that you deserve to have to fall.

But when we realize that we're falling into the arms of a mighty God, when we realize that sometimes it feels like we're falling but that God is ready to catch us and we'll land unharmed, then we can realize that falling doesn't equate to being short-changed. Dwight knew he wasn't being short-changed in his premature death. Michael isn't being short-changed in his divorce. And I am not short-changed in my infertility. And when it feels like I'm falling, I can rest assured that I will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God.