Anticipation

I feel like I have entered into a time of anticipation with God. The months preceding this have been a time to wrestle with God; a time to reconcile my beliefs with my barrenness, my expectations with my emotions, and my goals for myself with the God who holds my future in the palms of His holy and magnificent hands.

I think that infertility has taught me to trust in God as I face my most difficult, gut-wrenching trials. I have been learning that God prefers to work in the impossible situations, to take me to a place where I can do nothing without Him. It is in this place that He is able to reveal His power and receive all of the glory. I experienced this the first time in my relationship with Jesse. My desire was to get married from a very young age. Anyone who knew me knew that I wanted to get married more than I wanted anything else. I would’ve gladly chosen to be married and have my first kid before 20 years old, but instead, God made me wait until I was 20 to even begin dating my husband. From there, we went through a tumultuous courtship ending in a heart-aching break-up. It was the hardest thing I’ve been through to date. The pain I felt in my stomach and heart was enough to make me feel physically sick. I was asked to do one of the most difficult tasks any human can do- to pray for the one who had hurt me. I watched my world crumble underneath my feet, but found through this time, that God was my strong tower. In His arms, I found my one secure place. This endured for nearly a year and 1/2 before God brought my love back to me. And, the marriage that we have had since is one that truly testifies to the love of God. I have realized, in hindsight, that we could’ve gotten married a year earlier and probably would be making it. However, we would not have the passion and appreciation for each other and for God that we now have. It is BECAUSE of the difficult break-up that we have the amazing relationship that we do.

Part of me thinks that since I already had to go through such a tough time before, shouldn’t I get a break when it comes to having a baby? For those who know me well know that just after getting married, my greatest desire has always been to be a mom. I could pass on any career, any amount of money, any other dream to experience the joys of being a wife and a mother. So, how come the 2 things I desire most in my life are the 2 that I have to struggle so hard to obtain? And yet, when I think of the testimony that Jesse and I now have concerning our relationship and where God has brought us, I can only imagine how great of a story I’ll have to tell when I hold my beautiful baby in my arms! Every month of trying, every diagnostic test we have to take, and every form of treatment that may come all are adding up to an amazing story of God’s grace and power. I wish things could’ve been easier. I wish that we could’ve conceived within the first 4-5 months like most people our age. I wish that I could be among that proud 93% that are showing off their bellies and babies. But, being among that tiny 7% gives me a story unlike theirs’. And I believe that I will be a better and stronger mother because of this journey that God is taking me on.

In the meanwhile, I’ve found myself beginning to get settled into this world of infertility. As each cycle comes to an end, I generally expect to not be pregnant. I find myself subtly thinking that if it hasn’t happened before, doing everything exactly the same won’t get any different results. So, there’s no reason I should be pregnant this month if I haven’t been pregnant for the last 12. However, I had a wake-up call when I read a blog by someone else going through a similar infertility journey. She said, “All the other cycles, and especially the last cycle, I guarded my heart by not getting my hopes too high that I would get positive blood test results. Sounds silly, I know. Why go through all I go through each month to get ready for an insemination. All the drugs, doctor visits, ultrasounds, semen collections, shots, emotional roller coasters just to wait 2-weeks expecting nothing.” I realized that I was doing the same thing. I take my basal body temperature every morning. I anticipate the days when I will most likely be ovulating. I take ovulation tests, hoping for that positive result which means I will ovulate in the next few days. I look forward to the days when we have sex and it can result in a pregnancy. And then I wait for 11-13 days… expecting it to have not worked at all. That’s insanity!!!

So, God spoke to me yesterday, saying, “I want you to expect that you will get pregnant.” I have recognized that my lack of faith does guard my emotions, shielding me from experiencing complete devastation when I discover I’m not pregnant again. But what’s the point in going through all of this if I don’t expect that I will ever be pregnant. So, I don’t think that God is telling me to expect every month to be the month. But, instead, He wants me to believe that I will get pregnant- that God does have that in store for me.

In practice of this faith, I am trying to guard the way that I speak so that nothing I say implies that I may not ever conceive. Instead of saying, “If I get pregnant…” to say, “When I get pregnant…” And, as my first exercise in executing this faith, I believe that God has asked me to write a letter to my future child. In doing so, I will be professing that I believe this child will someday exist in a physical form and be able to read such a letter. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to sit down and write it, since I’m not sure how emotional it’ll make me. Knowing me, I probably shouldn’t attempt it while at work, which means it may take a little longer to find a moment to express myself freely.

When I mentioned this to Jesse, he is so glad to see the turn around in the way I speak. He has seen the process first-hand that God has been taking me through. And he can remember, not so long ago, when I wasn’t so certain that God would allow me to be a mother- times when I cried out because no one could promise me that it was really His will for my life.

In support of my faith, I asked Jesse if he would be willing to write his own letter too. I have a letter from each of my parents written in my baby book, during their first months as a new mommy or daddy. I think it’s great to look back and read now that I am an adult, and reflect on how they felt so many years ago. Jesse agreed, but I’m not sure when he’ll sit down and do it. I will post both of these letters when they exist.

For now, I would appreciate your prayers, speaking God’s will into being in our lives. Pray for us to continue to have faith despite whatever circumstances we encounter. We’re about to embark on a brand new part of the journey, entering the world of doctors and tests, and possible treatments. I’m not sure what we might face, but I believe that God has brought us to this point in our journey, and I’m excited to see His plan unfold for our lives!

Psalm 113 (MSG)
Hallelujah! You who serve God, praise God!
Just to speak his name is praise!
Just to remember God is a blessing—
now and tomorrow and always.
From east to west, from dawn to dusk, keep lifting all your praises to God!

God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent
heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place of honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
He gives them joy as the parents of children.Hallelujah!