I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Wednesday, The Beginning

Being a mother is something I've wanted since I was very young. It was something I always put aside, though, feeling that it was in the distant future and I needed to find a husband first. After getting married, though, having a baby has been on my mind constantly. It seemed that from our engagement on, the most common questions I've been asked are: when are you guys going to have kids? Are you pregnant yet? I had people placing bets on how long it would take me to get pregnant ranging from my honeymoon to 4 months into our marriage. In the beginning, I was asked at least 5 times a week about it and then everyone I knew began getting pregnant, including Kaela, Jolyn, and my boss, Jen. While not close to all of them, if I wrote down everyone I knew that was having a baby, it'd total at least 20. Now that I was finally married, a baby was totally possible, and I was constantly reminded that everyone was having one but me. Each month I went through a roller-coaster of emotions about it. I'd convince myself that I was pregnant, I'd imagine how I'd tell everyone, I'd anticipate the day that I would know for sure if I was pregnant. And then my next cycle would start or a pregnancy test would come back negative, and I'd end up in a downward spiral of disappointment, fearing this cycle would continue every month. In addition, I struggled that Jesse and I weren't on the same page about the issue. While I am at the prime time in my life, now married, 23 years old, graduating college, Jesse just turned 21 and has never thought much about being a dad. In fact, as stoked as I would be, I feared telling Jesse that I may be pregnant because his response would be worry and terror.

As days and weeks have turned to months of marriage, the pressure and disappointment have increased, feeling that it becomes more and more okay and possible to bring a baby into our lives. It's something I've dreamed countless hours about, imagining the baby growing inside my belly, picking out names for him/her, thinking of nursery decor, and picturing Jesse holding his child in his arms. And each time the pregnancy test reads negative, my heart sank a little more.

Following several in-depth conversations with Jesse, tearfully describing my pain over the previous months, we found ourselves discussing the matter again tonight. This time, though, it had a different twist. Jesse said that, in response to my difficulty in remembering to take my birth control, that I should either take it consistently or cease taking it at all. I explained that I needed him to tell me outright that he wanted me to quit before I could do that in peace. He said yes, telling me that while he's not ready to have a baby on our hands now, he's ready for me to be pregnant now. He added that he gets excited imagining having a baby with me. So, while I've barely taken any pills since the first of November, I am no longer going to worry about taking pills at all. If I get pregnant, we're ready for it.

Now, as excited as I am, I have to be careful about expecting it too soon. The emotional roller coasters have the potential to be even more intense and I don't want to go through the pain of it all. So I have to remember to take it one day at a time and trust that God's in control. The rest is history in the making...

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