Wednesday, The Beginning

Being a mother is something I've wanted since I was very young. It was something I always put aside, though, feeling that it was in the distant future and I needed to find a husband first. After getting married, though, having a baby has been on my mind constantly. It seemed that from our engagement on, the most common questions I've been asked are: when are you guys going to have kids? Are you pregnant yet? I had people placing bets on how long it would take me to get pregnant ranging from my honeymoon to 4 months into our marriage. In the beginning, I was asked at least 5 times a week about it and then everyone I knew began getting pregnant, including Kaela, Jolyn, and my boss, Jen. While not close to all of them, if I wrote down everyone I knew that was having a baby, it'd total at least 20. Now that I was finally married, a baby was totally possible, and I was constantly reminded that everyone was having one but me. Each month I went through a roller-coaster of emotions about it. I'd convince myself that I was pregnant, I'd imagine how I'd tell everyone, I'd anticipate the day that I would know for sure if I was pregnant. And then my next cycle would start or a pregnancy test would come back negative, and I'd end up in a downward spiral of disappointment, fearing this cycle would continue every month. In addition, I struggled that Jesse and I weren't on the same page about the issue. While I am at the prime time in my life, now married, 23 years old, graduating college, Jesse just turned 21 and has never thought much about being a dad. In fact, as stoked as I would be, I feared telling Jesse that I may be pregnant because his response would be worry and terror.

As days and weeks have turned to months of marriage, the pressure and disappointment have increased, feeling that it becomes more and more okay and possible to bring a baby into our lives. It's something I've dreamed countless hours about, imagining the baby growing inside my belly, picking out names for him/her, thinking of nursery decor, and picturing Jesse holding his child in his arms. And each time the pregnancy test reads negative, my heart sank a little more.

Following several in-depth conversations with Jesse, tearfully describing my pain over the previous months, we found ourselves discussing the matter again tonight. This time, though, it had a different twist. Jesse said that, in response to my difficulty in remembering to take my birth control, that I should either take it consistently or cease taking it at all. I explained that I needed him to tell me outright that he wanted me to quit before I could do that in peace. He said yes, telling me that while he's not ready to have a baby on our hands now, he's ready for me to be pregnant now. He added that he gets excited imagining having a baby with me. So, while I've barely taken any pills since the first of November, I am no longer going to worry about taking pills at all. If I get pregnant, we're ready for it.

Now, as excited as I am, I have to be careful about expecting it too soon. The emotional roller coasters have the potential to be even more intense and I don't want to go through the pain of it all. So I have to remember to take it one day at a time and trust that God's in control. The rest is history in the making...