Tuesday, Impatience

Since writing that first entry nearly a month ago, not much has changed. The few weeks following our decision to try to conceive, I anticipated the arrival (or not) of my next cycle. I hoped with everything in me to discover I was pregnant, but feared for the worst. I'm not really sure if this negative gut feeling is my body bracing me for reality or a fear derived from the fact that I haven't ever had pregnancy even be a reality. In other words, do I think I'm not pregnant because I'm really not or because I'm skeptical that I'll finally experience what I never have before?

As the day approached, though, I bought a pregnancy test hoping it'd allow me to give my mom the biggest Christmas gift thus far. Instead, I was disappointed to read the negative sign, but found hope in the slight possibility that I had tested too early with this cheap test. So I, in turn, bought another test which allowed me to know if I was pregnant sooner. That test proved to be negative as well. I secretly hoped that I had just assumed the wrong start date of my cycle, but it arrived just on schedule. I tried to suck it up and lay it in God's hands again, but I can't deny the hurt I felt.

Since then, it has been another waiting games. Waiting until my period is over. Waiting until I might possibly be ovulating. Waiting to have sex at the right time. Waiting until I can test again. Waiting to see if my period returns.

Meanwhile, I watch Jolyn's and Kaela's bellies continue to grow. I listen as the baby talk goes on and on. I crochet little blanket together for the expected newborns. I plan baby showers that aren't mine. And I congratulate all of the new couples who discover that they're about to receive the little bundles of joy that I want so much.

I know I can't be so impatient. Statistically, I wonder how anyone ever gets pregnant when the necessary factors that lead to pregnancy only guarantee a 20% chance that you'll conceive each month. Furthermore, even though I've never been consistent in taking birth control, we've only been protection-free for 2 months. That's still perfectly normal. It's just hard to regard that as truth when it seems like so many people conceive outside of marriage, having only had sex once, or while doing everything they can to prevent it. Why is it so prevalent when the odds seem nearly impossible?

However, if my calculations are correct, tomorrow I begin ovulating and it's only a matter of weeks until we discover if this month is our month. Only time will tell..