I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tuesday, Map Anyone?

I could use one about now. It's kinda like having a map that you hope leads to treasure, but you've lost the other half of the map and aren't sure where the treasure is buried. You know something has got to be on the other side, but have no clue which way to head next and which tools you'll need to use along the way.

I'm feeling a little lost on several things in my life right now. The first, and less complicated one, is concerning my job. I'm feeling pretty worn out at the Teen Center now. After 3 years of being there, I'm feeling as if it's about time to move on. I've been really irritated with different aspects of my job lately. Each day when I walk in, I'm not sure how things are going to be. My supervisor, whom I enjoy very much, has been on maternity leave for 4 months now, and was out of the office quite a bit the few months preceding her leave. She spent this time training an interim supervisor to fill her place while she was gone, a woman who I have come to also enjoy working with. But the very fact that my real supervisor is gone and that the other is temporarily filling her place has left us confused when it comes to running our program. People just handle their jobs differently and each woman has different expectations regarding the way we work. Sometimes it seems as if we cannot get a direct answer about a situation simply because our current temporary supervisor doesn't know the answer, or we end up kinda getting in trouble because the way we were used to doing things isn't the way this supervisor is used to having things done. Furthermore, there are many new limits concerning the spending of money in the budget, the miles we are allowed to travel on field trips, and an urgency to raise our numbers of patrons due to undisclosed reasons. Each day when I walk in, I'm not sure how many kids will be there, how they will be behaved, if we will be able to implement our planned activities, if we will be in trouble for something we did, or if there will be a new rule or duty we have to begin doing. Some days I come in thinking, "I love my job and I can't imagine leaving it," and other days, like the previously mentioned ones, I'm ready to quit on the spot.

I have been searching for a new job for over a month now, partly due to these above reasons, but mostly because Jesse and I have just bought a house and need the extra income. I began looking for a nanny or child care position, but after 2 interviews that went nowhere, I have begun to realize that there are many people in this area seeking that kind of position and not as many people who need such a caregiver. While I am highly qualified, there's no telling how long it'll take to find just the right person I could work for. And I have to be picky about this because I must work certain hours and days, for a certain amount of hours, and earn a particular amount of money. After this realization, I began looking for other positions that I could work in. I'm really picky about where I want to work. I don't want to work 40 hours a week in a job that I'd hate simply because I need the money. I, more than anything, want a job that utilizes my passions- a place I would look forward to working at. I have applied to several positions as teacher's assistants at local elementary and middle schools and have yet to hear back from them (although one application was just turned in today and another will be later this week). I also applied to a job as a secretary in the hospital, my friend Camron's current job after he transfers to the new hospital. However, I have yet to hear back from that as well, and he has said that the HR department seems to be having problems with the applications. It seems like I've applied to quite a few jobs, though, and search everyday, but have not made any progress at all.

I feel like I'm running out of time and options and have no idea what job I will have by the end of the summer. It's kinda a scary thing. I've been so secure in my job for 3 years now, and it's hard to put yourself out there in interviews and learn a new environment and job task you are not familiar with.

On another note, Jesse and I have been trying to have a baby for 10 cycles now, in a total of 7 months. While the 7 months, itself, isn't all that long to be trying for a baby, since my cycles are so short, it means that during this time we have had 10 times of trying to have a baby only to be disappointed and heartbroken that it has not happened yet. And, while a doctor would not consider us to have infertility issues yet, other couples with longer cycles could have had the same amount of attempts at conceiving as I have had in a 12-month period. Does that all make sense, so far? So, after failing to get pregnant again, for the 10th time, this month, Jesse and I decided it was worth it to begin discussing our options with a doctor and see if there was an initial testing we could do right now. We found that it would be relatively easy to take several tests which could eliminate or uncover possible problems, and that we wouldn't have to wait at all to take these steps, but could begin the process right now. So, after emailing back and forth to the fertility center in Portland (about 2 hours away), I called today to set up a consultation. We were planning on doing an over-the-phone consultation with a doctor to avoid driving the two hours for a meeting, but discovered that no insurance covers the phone consultation and it would cost over $300 just to have this conversation. However, our insurance might cover some expenses if we drove up there and met in the office. So, Jesse called our insurance company to find out what they covered at all concerning fertility tests and treatments. It turns out that they don't cover anything at all. Not a single penny!!! I wasn't horribly surprised, but extremely disappointed. This means that everything we do would have to be paid out of pocket, which is something we can't afford at the moment (especially since I can't find a job!).

So that leaves us a little lost as to what to do next. The first option is to just wait and allow the conception to happen naturally. The second option is to go ahead with fertility testing and treatments and pay it all out of pocket. On one hand, we may save ourselves hundreds of dollars by foregoing the tests and conceiving naturally. However, on the other hand, if there is something wrong that is preventing conception, we may be causing ourselves a lot of heartache and disappointment by continuing to try to no avail. With the second option, though, we may be costing ourselves a ton of unnecessary money by testing for something that doesn't exist if we conceive naturally on our own within months. However, if we discovered that something was wrong through the testing, it'd be worth it to know for sure. And if it's a matter of us having a baby or not, money doesn't seem like it should matter. And if we don't do the testing now, how long is a sufficient amount of time to wait before testing becomes necessary? I wish I just knew if there was anything we needed to be concerned about or if we will for sure conceive naturally, so that I would know what the wise decision was to make!!! I just feel utterly confused about it all!!!

We've been praying about it all a lot, hoping for any peace of mind or direction on the choices we need to make, but don't have an ounce of security or direction yet. And the stress concerning it all is really beginning to build on us. Each of our frustrations with our jobs, the concerns about our future jobs, wondering how our finances will all work out, and struggling through the fertility issues in the midst of it has left both of us at our wit's end. My eye twitches a lot and both of us are short on patience, causing more bickering between each other than we've had before or want in our marriage. It all causes a lot of tears and questions with no answers. In the end, we know that we have to keep seeking God and support each other in love. So we cry together, and hold each other close, and pray together, seeking counsel and strength, and wait... for any possible lead on where God wants us to go. Sure would be nice to have the other half of the map, though.

No comments: