I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Wednesday, Confusion

I just don't get it! I'm still awaiting the arrival of my period, either coming tomorrow or the next day. So I decided to take a pregnancy test since I'm just days away and my stomach has been in total knots for the past 3-5 days. Well, once again, the test came back negative. it doesn't make any sense to me.

I'm now approaching the 9th month of trying to get pregnant. I NEVER thought it'd take this long. In fact, I used to be scared to have pre-marital sex because I had this intense feeling that I was going to get pregnant the very first time I had sex. I had people placing bets that I would get pregnant on my honeymoon or within the first 4 months and I thought they were most likely right. Now, I'm just weeks away from my 1 year anniversary and nowhere closer to having a baby.

During the time that I have been trying, I have watched countless women declare their blessings. The ones that drive me nuts the most are those who weren't even trying or got pregnant on the first try. At my church, there are currently 3 women who are pregnant, all of which who began trying after I did. The first is my cousin who began trying the same month I did. She didn't think it worked the first month and tried again the 2nd, receiving a positive result. As it turns out, she actually was pregnant the first month and didn't know it. The second woman got pregnant actually before I started trying, but she was not happy about it considering that her youngest child was only about 5 months old. It was just really soon and she wasn't thrilled about it. She, then, had a miscarriage and seemed perfectly okay with it. That ate me up inside. Here she was upset about being pregnant and relieved by the miscarriage when she had what I wanted so badly. As it turns out, she ended up pregnant again the very next month, but kept it a secret until just weeks ago when she revealed not only that she was pregnant but that she was also having a girl! That means she's now gotten pregnant twice in the amount of time that I've been trying. The very next week, the 3rd woman announced she was pregnant as well. She had told me long ago that she'd probably start trying in March. I was just about to ask her if they had begun and how things were going when she announced that she was pregnant. That means that she got pregnant the first month as well. All of these women already have kids, and while the first and the last only have one kid each, both approaching 2-3 years old, it's hard to watch them so easily get pregnant when I struggle through it.

I don't get it, and I feel totally lost about it all.

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