I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Holy Ground

My frame of mind concerning getting pregnant has gradually changed in the past year of infertility. In the beginning months, I was confused and saddened by how long it was taking. After the 6th month of trying, I just began to get angry. After 9 months, it became more of a homesick kind of feeling than anything else- yearning for a baby just like I have before, but almost a kind of lonely feeling, missing what I wasn’t getting. My last blog detailed the turning point for me- the ability to say, “Bring the rain” because I know that God is going to use it to produce growth. A time when I could first say that I knew God was building up for something big and I want to experience it. Since then, when I think about having children, it’s more with expectation than with fear or sadness.

My in-laws just moved to Idaho a week ago, and I got the privilege of inheriting as many of their baby items as I wanted. I think I did really well considering how much I DIDN'T take, but Jesse's eyes got really big when he saw the huge garbage bag (I'm talking like almost as tall as me) full of stuff. I cheerfully reminded him that it was less stuff we'd have to buy ourselves once the time actually comes! :-)

A few nights ago, I sat down on the floor to sort through all of the clothes. As these heaps of tiny onesies and cute little outfits began to pile up around me, I'd pick up each item and my mind would wander with thoughts of the child we'd one day place in it. A few of them, like the ones that said, "Daddy's Princess" or "I love my mommy" caused me to sit a little longer looking at them, holding them gracefully in my lap and thinking a little more deeply about it. But I wasn't saddened by the lack of child to place in the outfit right now. Instead, I was excited about what the future holds.


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I think, one way or another, I WILL be a mom. I think that God gave me this desire for a reason. In one of my baby books, it asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, to be answered when I was in elementary school. At 7 years old, written in the book, my answer says that I want to be a teacher and a mommy. Years later, my God-given passion for teaching still remains (although in a very different way than I thought so many years ago). And now, completely grown up, I want to be a mommy more than anything else. I used to carry around a notebook with me in which I wrote down all of the names I wanted for each of my kids. The list still remains although the names have changed. Passions that strong don't come out of nowhere. I believe they are instilled by God to bring forth His plan. So, now it's not as much about if I will be a mom, but how long it'll take... or how it'll come about...

Something I read today reminded me of the story of Joshua and the walls of Jericho. To read this story, click here. For me, though, here’s what this story means:

First of all, an angel appears to Joshua and instructs him to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground. This is 1 of only 2 places where this statement is said. The first was when God spoke to Moses at the burning bush before telling him that God was going to use him to release the Israelites from captivity. The 2nd time was here to Joshua just before telling him that God was going to give them the city of Jericho. So, in both of these instances, this statement marks the introduction that God is about to do something really big, and offers these men a moment to recognize the holiness of the situation- to stop and see that they were about to see the almighty God move in a miraculous manner.

Then, the Lord goes on to tell Joshua that he should walk around the city walls once a day for six days. On the 7th God, God tells Joshua to march around 7 times with the priests blowing their horns, and on the 7th time the priests will give one long blow of the horn and everyone should shout as loud as they possibly can. Without doing another thing, the walls of the city will collapse allowing the people to walk straight into the town and conquer it.

I did a little bit of research about these walls of Jericho. The city had an embankment all around it with a stone retaining wall at its base. This wall was about 12-15 ft high. On top of that was a mudbrick wall 6 feet thick and about 20-26 ft high. At the crest of the embankment was a similar mudbrick wall whose base was roughly 46 feet above the ground level outside the retaining wall. This is what loomed high above the Israelites as they marched around the city each day for 7 days. The actual site says, “Humanly speaking, it was impossible for the Israelites to penetrate the impregnable (sound familiar?) bastion of Jericho.”

On the 7th time around the city on the 7th day, Joshua commanded the people, “Shout! For the Lord has given you the town!” Then it says, “Suddenly, the walls of Jericho collapsed, and the Israelites charged straight into the town and captured it.” This word in Hebrew suggests that it “fell beneath itself”. And as archeologists have excavated this land, they have found that this rings true. In fact, because of the embankment that I described earlier, the collapsed wall actually created a ramp for the Israelites to go up and enter the city.

If you think about it, shouting obviously does absolutely nothing physically to bring down these walls. I don’t know that you could even make enough noise to cause vibrations that would rattle walls like these. It’s not possible. And there’s not any physical or even logical reason why the people needed to walk around the city the 12 times before (once on the first 6 days and 6 times on the 7th day). This marching probably didn’t even intimidate the residents of Jericho because they felt that they were invincible. God also didn’t need the Israelites to do each of these steps in order to work. He could’ve just spoken it into being such. But He chose to work that way, and I think, in a lot of ways, probably just so He could show everyone that it was only because of Him that this miracle came about.

So, in my situation, I believe that God has told me that I am standing on Holy Ground- about to enter a place where He will move mightily. My situation often feels impossible. In fact, I feel… impregnable (literally). And, Jesse and I have done everything we could possibly do on our own to make it work. It’s out of our hands. And, I get the sense that each month when I take my ovulation tests and plan for my most fertile times, I’m simply marching around the wall, not making a sound, not making any impact. But I believe that God is taking me to that 7th time on that 7th day when He is going to bring down the walls.
Many people brushed off my fears from the very beginning, believing that I would get pregnant quickly and was wrong for worrying so soon. However, I had a sense from the very beginning that if it wasn’t happening then, it wasn’t going to happen for quite a while. I’ve defined myself as being in the infertility group despite the fact that I hadn’t reached the definitive 1 year until just this past week. I was wrong for being worried before. My fear was rooted in sadness and a lack of faith in God’s goodness. But I don’t think I was wrong in feeling that it was going to take so long. I think I knew back then that God was taking me on that journey. I just wasn’t ready to let Him lead the way. I wanted it in my timing.

There’s no logical reason why I should have to go through infertility for a year. Even if there is something medically wrong with us, I know (and have seen) God to work in the most difficult situations- with people who have only 1 ovary or who have had a vasectomy. So, God doesn’t need our health or our efforts or anything in our part to bring forth a baby. He could speak it into being within my womb. He could form it even when I’m not ovulating- even when I haven’t had sex- He did it in Mary…

I believe that God is going to tear down those walls soon. They’ll crumble beneath my feet and the very desires of my heart will be before my eyes.

I don’t know what day of the march I’m on or how many more times I’ll have to go around these same city walls, but I know that my God is bigger than any wall and seems to prefer to move in what I deem as the “impossible” situations.

So, today, I remove my shoes (literally! I just did it here at work) and I recognize the holy ground of the path that God has set me on. And I say, “Lord, I’m your servant. Clay in your hands. May my heart be moldable and soft before you as you shape your will for my life. Lord, I believe that you are more than able to bring me things greater than my wildest dreams. Help my unbelief which whispers within me that you may choose not to. I trust in your sovereignty within my situation.”

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