I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Letter of Anticipation

My Beautiful Baby-

I don’t know if you will ever understand everything your daddy and I have been through to bring you into our lives. It amazes me how much love you can have for someone you’ve never even met; someone who, actually, doesn’t even exist yet. But I have dreamt of you ever since I was a little girl. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife and a mommy. I used to keep a notebook full of potential names for you. The names have since changed, but my dream of having you has only gotten stronger. When I fell in love with your daddy, I was so excited to have you join our family. I didn’t know then, though, how difficult that process would be. And, even as I write this, I am unsure of all that I will continue to have to go through before I finally meet you face-to-face. Yet, I’m willing to do whatever it takes, time and again, knowing that I will be able to hold you in my arms when it’s all over.

I occasionally put my hands over my belly and imagine the days when it will grow, making it clear to the world that you are there. I am amazed when I think of the fact that you will have life because of our love. I can’t wait to feel you move around inside of me. I will cherish every moment of it! I don’t even mind thinking of the sickness and aches that may come with my pregnancy because they all mean that you are there. I want to see your precious face and know that you have my eyes and daddy’s smile. I want to smile with pride as you take your first steps, my arms outstretched waiting for you to fall into them. Those arms will always be here. Waiting to hold you tightly as your tiny hand curls around my finger for the first time. Waiting to pick you up when you fall down and scrape your knee. Waiting to wrap around you, comforting you when you are scared at night. Waiting for you, because, right now, all I can do is wait. I wait for God to complete the work He has begun. For He started writing this story long before I was even born, and I have no idea what the next chapters have in store. I do know, though, that I can rest assured knowing that God is the author of it all. And the story will be one that screams of God’s grace and power throughout it all.

I don’t know in what ways yet, and I truly may never know all that it entails, but I believe wholeheartedly that God has a big plan for your life. He is going to use you to reach others. I’m so excited for it all that it sometimes becomes difficult to wait on God’s perfect plan. But I give every tear, every yearning, every painful & and every joyous thought over to God. I lay it in His hands and trust that my future is secure there.

And, someday, your daddy and I will be able to look back on this and recognize what God did with everything we entrusted in His hands. We can laugh at how shortsighted we were back then, back when we thought it took so long. And we can rejoice at God’s sovereignty even in our deepest struggle.

Until then, I lay it all back in His hands one more time- every doctor’s appointment, every medical test, and every unanswered question- and I praise God that He has the answers and that someday I’ll see them fulfilled in your life. May you never forget that you are an answer to our deepest prayers; that your daddy and I were willing to do whatever it took to bring you to us; and that we loved you before we even knew you.
~Your Mommy


Becky said...

What a beautiful expression that I know your child will treasure. Maybe I'll write a letter also. I love you so much Mandy and I'm so excited to see what God is doing in you and will complete in you through this waiting time.
You inspire me and challenge me in my walk with God. I thank God for the gift you are in my life.
All my love,

J said...

Thanks for your comments on my blog. It looks like your timescales are very similar to mine. Hang in there, and don't let it overwhelm you. You are whole in Him regardless of your circumstances.


shelley said...

How awesome to write something like that to your son or daughter. Something they will be able to read and hold on to and know how much they were wanted and hoped for.