I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Friday, October 31, 2008

Praise, Praise, Praise!

I wanted to update everyone and let them know that I received the results of my two blood tests. My prolactin levels and thyroid levels are completely normal. So, the nurse simply said that Dr. York will talk to me about my next option when I go in for my ultrasound next Thursday. Meanwhile, Jesse still has his test tomorrow. So, by Thursday, we should know the results of his test, along with mine, and better be able to determine the next step in the process.

Since I got this call a few minutes before I got off work, I updated my boss on the results of my tests. Since she’s the one that has to make allowances for me to miss work, she has become a part of the circle of people who support me in this whole process. I am so thankful to have her as my boss right now. At my previous job, I discussed my fertility process with my boss, but she was someone who was much more difficult to connect with. We had nothing in common, and while she supported me in trying to have a baby, I had very little relationship with her outside of work discussions. And that was after working with her for 3 years. Now, however, I have been working at my current job for 3 months and am so much closer to my boss now. I am so thankful for her kind words and cheerful spirit day in and day out. As I shared with her the results of the tests and my thoughts concerning the treatment plans for this year (as I mentioned in my last blog), I was so encouraged by her kind words and felt at such a peace about where I am at in this process.

I honestly don’t think anything is wrong with us at all. I wouldn’t be as surprised if Jesse’s test results come back a bit low (only because of his dad’s history), but I would be shocked if anything turns out to be wrong with me. And I couldn’t imagine Jesse’s results being that horrible that it would be the sole cause of infertility. I don’t know why God has opened up the doors to receive fertility testing at this point and time. I think that it does give me a peace to know that IF something is wrong, then at least we can know that and address it. But on a bigger scale, I think He is setting things into motion to open up the doors of a ministry to me- to be able to encourage those who go through infertility. I have visions of being an infertility nurse, counseling couples through their treatment, praying with them, pointing them towards God’s loving arms, and rejoicing with them as God gives them a beautiful gift. I also have visions of using my talents to reach these people. For instance, God has put it on my heart to make baby blankets and items to give to couples who have been through infertility but receive God gift in the end. I am already making these blankets, but have yet to see where they will all end up.

And yet, I feel that I can’t be effective in this ministry without having gone through it myself. I think the most effective ministries are from those who have been through it themselves. I know, from experience, that you don’t take anyone seriously who has either not tried for a year or had difficult pregnancies (including miscarriages) or has since had kids and forgotten the difficulties they had while trying. They simply don’t relate to you anymore. I’ve known for a long time that God had set out a path for me to walk for this specific journey towards children, and that it most likely required more than a year of trying simply because of the experience I needed to be in that ministry. There were months that I still wanted a baby more than anything, and would’ve gladly accepted that change of course in my path if given the option. And yet, something cringed within me because I felt that getting pregnant before the year were up would hinder my ministry with other infertile couples. When I think of being a nurse, I think, “How much greater of a nurse would I be having gone through the same process?!” Imagine being able to tell a patient what they can expect from a certain procedure because you have had it done to you. Imagine being able to sweetly say, “I know what you are going through because I’ve been there, and now I’m here to help you get to where I’m at now, through the grace of God.” Imagine the power of a doctor who holds your hand and cries with you as they lift up your greatest need in prayer to God, because they’ve been in the place before where the desire and grief was so great that they were unable to utter the prayer of their heart aloud to God on their own.

Imagining the power in the testimony I will have and the ministry that may be opened to me gets me all excited! God has something big in store and I get to be a part of it. Not only do I believe that God will give me the blessing of a child in time, but I will get to be a part of blessing others (no matter which way God uses me). I think of the blogs that I follow, specifically the one by Angie Smith, “Bring the Rain”, and one that I’ve recently began checking out by a lady who goes by the name “MckMama”. When I see the impact that their stories are having on those who encounter them, I am amazed! Just with Angie’s blog alone, as of right now, she has had 45,861 views to her profile. She received 2175 comments in one day on one blog! She has had contacts with people from every single one of the 50 states along with 90 other countries! And, it all began with a tragic diagnosis, which affected no one but her and her family. A situation that they were dealing with in their personal lives, that has now affected thousands of people worldwide. My puny little site has received 94 views to date and 2 comments was the most I’ve gotten on any 1 blog. I think that I’ve probably been in contact with people from only a handful of states. And yet, I believe that God may use me just as mightily! I’ve had visions before of doing public speaking and of being a writer. Perhaps, this is the avenue that God wants to use. And, yet, if my blog only impacts 1 other person (or even serves as a place for God to speak to me, even if no one else ever views it), it’s totally worth it. I simply want Him to be glorified. I want people to wake up and recognize the awesome power of our Creator. More than that, I want them to realize that this God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, dwells in them AND wants a RELATIONSHIP with them!!! How amazing is that?!?!! If we truly understand the power of that, we’d be on our knees in awe and praise!!!

I’m excited! I’m stoked beyond all get out! God’s working in our lives, and He cares enough to purpose the most heart-aching situations to cause us to know Him deeper and to grow from the experience. What love!


Melanie said...

AMEN Sister!!! You tell it like it is... The Lord has a beautiful plan for you and hubby... Just walk with Him and He will guide you all the way... MckMamma is a TESTIMONY... I am so blessed to have been able to read her blog within these 3 months of her being pregnant with Stellan!!! I am glad those tests came back normal... God is good... All the time... And His love endures forever...

shelley said...

You go Mandy!! I see you growing in the Lord and in strength with every blog. Melanie is right just keep walking with Him and He will keep guiding you. He is giving you a huge direction to go in life and praise Him for it everyday, not everyone finds that direction.
Love you!