I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Monday, December 1, 2008

Part 1

As I've said multiple times in the recent posts, I have struggled with what to write about the recent events of my life, but being that I am home sick and just received a not-so-nice email regarding one of the issues I've been tiptoeing around writing about, I have decided that I'm just gonna suck it up and write out everything that's been going on. This is, after all, MY BLOG! So, here we go:

The first big event was my brother-in-law moving in with us. As some background information, Jesse and I each only have 1 sibling- both of them being a brother.
(David, Me, Jesse, & Michael)

Coincidentally, I am the oldest of all four. Jesse’s brother, Michael, is just 3 ½ months younger than I am. My brother, David, is 11 months younger than Michael and Jesse is 9 months younger than David. I was actually closer to Michael than I was to Jesse for most of the 8 years that we have all gone to church together.

Our youth group only consisted of about 8 regular members along with 3-4 who came in occasionally on the side. The 8 of us were best friends, though. We did EVERYTHING together. And, all of us, at one point or another, had a crush on someone else in the group. It makes sense when you consider that we all wanted to be in relationships with someone who held our same values and interests. Our choices were limited, though. Each person was related to at least one other person. I was related to three! So, it was a given that with Michael being the only guy my age, we were bound to consider the possibility of romance at some point. I always thought Michael was an absolutely great guy, and there were aspects of him that I did like, but when it came to thinking about the guy that I could spend the rest of my life with, I was pretty certain it wasn’t him. The most that ever happened between us was going together to a homecoming dance and seeing one moving on a date one time in which we didn’t even touch each other. We remained close friends, though, throughout all of these years. When we were both 20 years old, we stayed up really late talking one night. Out of curiosity, I asked Michael if he still had feelings for me. He admitted that he kinda did, but said that he had recently begun liking a girl at his work and was considering asking her out. It was during this same time that my feelings for Jesse had begun to change. He was no longer the immature jock who I had nothing in common with. He was graduating high school and planning his college career. And, most importantly, I had witnessed Jesse growing in his relationship with God in ways I had never seen before. Michael and I agreed that we could once and for all decide that we weren’t meant to ever be together. That same week, Jesse and I began dating, and just 8 days later Michael asked out “that girl from work.” Just over a year later, Michael and Kaela got married. And Jesse and I followed a year after that. You can read our story in full here.

I say all of this to lead up to the fact that Michael and Kaela had everything going against them from the very beginning of their relationship. And, when they got married, this complications just compounded on one another, and both of them made horrendous mistakes. Now, after 2 ½ years of marriage and 2 young kids, they have decided to get a divorce. Jesse and I were more than willing to offer our home to Michael during this difficult transitional time. We know that he hasn't been perfect in this ordeal, but he’s our brother and we love him. So, Michael moved in nearly 2 weeks ago, and we wouldn't have it any other way. Michael has been very honest about the mistakes that he made during his marriage, and it has been my prayer for him that God would use this terrible situation for Micheal's good. I pray that he grows to know God in a new and intimate way that he's never experienced before. I pray that through this, he grows to become the Godly father that he needs to be for his kids. And, as Michael is only 23 years old, I think it is very likely that he can get remarried in the distant future, and I pray that God uses this time to create character in Michael so that he can be the Godly head of the household that he has failed to be so far. I pray that my relationship with Jesse will show him that you CAN have a wonderful, happy, Godly marriage and that it will be a daily example to him of how to love each other as you love God.

My heart breaks daily for Michael, though. He and his wife had just moved to Idaho from Oregon (where we live) a month before they decided to get a divorce. They were living in one bedroom (with both kids) of her parents' house, and Michael was planning on going to school there beginning in May. When this divorce was decided upon, Michael was put into the difficult position of staying in Idaho where he had no one except his ex-wife, her parents, and his kids or to come home where he had his whole family and church support but to leave his kids. Compound that with the fact that he was receiving unemployment after a big corporate layoff and was awaiting his grant for school from this layoff meaning he couldn't get a job to get his own place without losing everything, and the decision to come back to Oregon was really the only one he could make. He still plans on moving back in May when school starts, and he'll be able to support himself then. It seemed that his wife supported this decision, as he needs his family, until he actually left. Then she lashed out and accused him of leaving his "real" family and abandoning his kids. I can tell you that Michael loves his kids more than anything. I watched him pour out his heart in church last night to our small group, choking up and crying as he described how much it hurt to miss out on Thanksgiving with his 2 year old daughter and 9 month old son. He calls almost daily and endures brutal verbal attacks from his wife, just to be able to say hi or goodnight to his kids. And he has sucked it all up and kept his cool, not wanting to do anything that would compromise his future with his kids.

Meanwhile, she has posted a blog on myspace that tells everyone everything that Michael has ever done wrong while she maintains the victim role, and she continues to write horrible things about him for everyone to read. She even told everyone that he left his family there to move in with his brother and ex-girlfriend who happens to now be married to his brother! (See above to be reminded that I never dated Michael) I believe that this reaction is very normal and very common in divorce. I believe that God created marriage to be a sacred bond uniting two people as one. And, when divorce happens, you have to figure out how to separate yourself from the other person, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I believe God hates divorce because it goes against His plan for man. I believe God hates divorce because of all of the repercussions it creates. And I believe God hates divorce because it brings out characteristics in people that go completely against His character- hate and bitterness and jealousy and anger, etc. It's normal, but it's unfortunate. In fact, it's awful. And it's difficult to be on the receiving end of it.

I have read everything that she has posted about Michael and (indirectly) about Jesse and I. I have read the comments she has made implying that her "true" friends are those who have supported her as she lashes out at him. In all of this, I have remained silent. I have not responded to any of it out, neither wanting to create drama by telling her how I really feel nor wanting to condone her behavior by saying anything supportive. I have considered taking her off of my friend's list, but have not wanted to do anything to make it look like I am singling her out or making a personal attack on her.

Truth be told, I don't want to be her friend. I've had an off-and-on relationship with her from the very beginning. We were best friends up until she became pregnant with her first child. Something happened in her, most likely hormonal, and she became the most hateful and horrible person I've ever encountered. I couldn't handle the complaints and negativity when she had the husband and child that I so longed for while I was going through the most difficult time I've ever had- the break-up that Jesse and I had before we got married. During this time, I threw her a bridal shower and was the maid of honor in her wedding, despite the fact that I had not talked to her in months. I would've backed out but I knew that she didn't have anyone else. My mom, in fact, paid for a huge portion of both the shower and wedding. Afterwards, all I heard were complaints from her. I couldn't handle it. I didn't have any relationship with her at all until Jesse and I got back together 8 months later. I knew that Jesse and I were going to be married and that she would be my sister-in-law. So, I put aside everything from the past and determined to have as much of a friendship as possible. For the most part, we were able to gain back the relationship we had before. There were things that were still difficult, things that she did that I didn't agree with or didn't like, but we got along pretty well. That is, until September of this year, just a month before they moved to Idaho. During this time, she was experiencing some really difficult times, including a whole slew of hormonal issues like post-partum depression, a difficult time in her marriage to Michael, and a terrible job where she was over-worked, under-paid, and mistreated. Knowing how difficult it was for them, Jesse and I tried everything we could do to be there for them. But, one night, Jesse said something teasingly to her and she took it horribly wrong. She harrassed him for days with angry text messages and demanded a face-to-face apology from him. It broke my heart to see my husband hurting. So, when I told her what I thought of the whole situation, she told me that it was all Jesse's fault, she said awful things about my mom and brother, and said that she wished I had never been her maid of honor, and that I was just jealous of her because she could have kids and I couldn't.

Jesse and I didn't want them to leave for Idaho and have this situation hanging over our heads. So we sucked it all up, said our apologies, and chose to look past the rude comments to still maintain a relationship with them. I decided at this point that I had witnessed too many hateful things come from this person and she was not someone that I really wanted to be friends with, but that I wanted to keep an open relationship with her to maintain a relationship with my brother-in-law, niece, and nephew. I would send her messages about once a week to see how they were doing after the move, but she was always so negative describing everything that was wrong. So, I struggled with what to say. When she told me about their divorce, I told her that we loved them and that I wanted to be there for her if she needed anything. She said that Michael really needed his family and that it was important for Jesse to be there for him. It was just 1 week later that Michael took a long Greyhound bus ride back to Oregon and moved in with us. And, thus we are up to date.

As I said, I haven't said anything to her during this time as to avoid the drama. I have been debating and wrestling with how to describe any of this on this blog, though. It's not infertility related but affects me very deeply. But, I wasn't sure how much to open up on here not knowing if she even reads this blog. And I certainly didn't want to say anything to offend her or cause more problems. But, if I wrote vaguely and didn't say anything in detail then I wasn't really saying what was on my heart.

Today, I received an email from her. She asked me why I haven't emailed her or called her or asked how she is doing. She said that we had been friends, I had been her maid of honor, and her sister-in-law and yet I wasn't there for her while she was going through this. She ended the email saying, "thank you for all the good times and I am sorry you have chosen the path that you have. I am a great person and friend to have." I am at a loss for words to even reply back to her. Is it even worth it? Why am I so worried about maintaining a friendship with someone who I feel so negatively towards? I think it's because, for one thing, I don't want to acknowledge that there may be someone in this world that might not like me. I'm a great person, right?! :-) For another thing, she will always be a part of my life in one way or another. She will always be the mother of my niece and nephew and I don't want any conflict with her to keep them from being in my life. And lastly, I don't want to do anything that compromises my witness for God and responds in a way that is not Christ-like. So, how do I speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 says?

While I still don't know how to respond to her, Jesse and I try to allow this situation to only bring about good in our household, though. We refuse to allow the lies surrounding this ordeal to get to us. When the past and present conflicts come up in conversations, we make it a point to express love to one another and offer prayer to God as the best response to our feelings. Jesse and I have made it a point to learn from the mistakes we've witnessed and consciously take steps towards loving each other more and more like God tells us to. We hug each other more tightly, we kiss more passionately, and we express our appreciation for each other more often. And, I hope that the love Jesse and I show to each other will be a great example to Michael of a Godly marriage. Divorce is an awful thing, but if we can allow God to use it for Michael's good and for our's, then He can be glorified in it.

To not overwhelm you, I will break up everything I have to say in multiple blogs and you can read at your leisure. I do not mean this blog to be a venting or a way to talk badly about others. I share this story primarily because it affects me every single day and makes up the things that God is teaching me. More to come...


Melanie said...

I just want to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing. I think by responding to her in a godly manner would be right but if you feel you will feed the "fire" than I wouldn't email her back. I hope all works out in the end! Remember God's hand is in all of this! Leave it all at His feet!

Melody said...

If you feel the need to respond back to her email, maybe you could say something like, "I'm praying for everyone going through this situation. Right now that's the support I'm providing because I feel that God wants me to do. It's what I feel comfortable with. I'm leaning on God for direction in all of this." And then I'd leave it at that.

*hugs* I'll be praying for you through this too. Family life can be so difficult...and ugly too.