I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Monday, December 1, 2008

Part 3- Final Part

As a conclusion to my blogs about my weeks, I wanted to share the most encouraging thing I have witnessed. Last weekend, I was home alone which I didn't want to be, working on an art project that I didn't want to do, and I was watching SuperNanny. Normally, this show consists of Nanny Jo Frost coming to the aid of families whose children lack discipline and need some structure and rules. That's an understatement. Often they kids run and scream and hit and cuss. Jo teaches the parents some techniques to implement which teaches the kids to obey.

This episode was very different, though. The mom, Antoinette, was in her late 30's or so. The dad, Dwight, was in his mid-40's, and they had a 2 year old daughter and 5 month old son. When they met through a best friend Rolin, everyone in their circle of friends knew they were meant for each other. The pair of them didn't waste time... they married and bought their first home together in Southern California. Their idyllic life got even better when Antoinette realized they were pregnant with their first child, daughter Selah. Dwight was promoted at work as an engineer and brought home an executive's salary. They were a happy little family, with the normal challenges of guiding daughter Selah through her terrible twos and making a house into a home. More good news came when Antoinette learned she and Dwight were pregnant again and she would give birth to a son. That's when their lives were shattered. Dwight learned the stomach ulcers he was being treated for had been misdiagnosed--he actually had stage III gastric cancer. He lived for another eight months, long enough to spend a few months with his newborn son, and died on August 14, 2008. His deathbed wish was for his wife to carry on and be a happy mom to their kids. The day before her husband died, Antoinette called Supernanny asking for help learning to parent alone. Emotions run high when Jo Frost arrives shortly thereafter. Dwight had passed away 2 weeks earlier, and Antoinette, who was dealing with a 2 very young kids, had no time to grieve the death of her husband.

Along with teaching the mom some tips about having a routine and feeding her kids, Jo took the mom out to the park to process some of the feelings she was experiencing. They went to an isolated park where Jo asked the mom how she was feeling. She began to cry, saying that she was angry. Jo asked her, "Why are you angry?" The mom replied with tears streaming down her face in total agony, "Because he left me! It wasn't supposed to be this way! I waited a long time to get married and have kids. Why can't I have just a little more time? I finally had what I was supposed to have. We were a team. We had a plan! Now, I have to come up with a different plan, and I have to do it alone!"

As I watched, I sobbed. My heart broke for her. I couldn't imagine losing the love of my life and being left to raise our kids by myself. I thought, "I never want to experience that."

As the show continued, Jo had the mom record videos telling the kids stories about their dad for them to know about him as they grew up. These stories included tales of their engagement and things that he liked to do. All of it so that his legacy could live on. At the end of the show, Jo surprised the mom with videos her husbands friends had made. One friend told the kids stories about how their dad reacted to each of their births. When their daughter Selah was born, he said that her dad went out and bought 250 dresses for her. He was just so excited to doll up his little princess. And when their son was born, he was so proud to have a son. He said that Dwight never was angry at God for his illness. He never felt short-changed for having to leave his family early. Instead, He was thankful for every day that God gave him. I was amazed by this statement. I think you could be completely justified in feeling short-changed because you have to leave your young family. I can understand why his wife would feel short-changed for losing her husband and being left alone. I don't blame my brother-in-law Michael for feeling short-changed in his divorce or even his wife for feeling short-changed. Heck, I often feel short-changed in my infertility.

It didn't occur to me until the next day when I saw my piece of artwork hanging on the sanctuary walls- a silhouette of a man falling into the arms of God. This was paired with the song lyrics, "I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God." It didn't occur to me until we sang that song and I looked at that silhouette and realized that I had been drawing it with tears streaming down my face as I watched that show. It didn't occur to me until then that falling is often scary. When we fall down, we're likely to get hurt. When we are dreaming and feel like we're falling, it's often associated with terror and we often wake up in a panic. No one likes to fall... And when we're falling, it's easy to feel short-changed. You don't think that you deserve to have to fall.

But when we realize that we're falling into the arms of a mighty God, when we realize that sometimes it feels like we're falling but that God is ready to catch us and we'll land unharmed, then we can realize that falling doesn't equate to being short-changed. Dwight knew he wasn't being short-changed in his premature death. Michael isn't being short-changed in his divorce. And I am not short-changed in my infertility. And when it feels like I'm falling, I can rest assured that I will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God.


Jim and April said...

wow...so beautiful...falling into the hands of God. Thanks!

I Believe in Miracles said...

These 3 posts are beautiful. I'm so glad you shared them!

1st - I'm so sorry about the family drama. I've had a similar experience with my aunt, uncle and cousins - and it's awful. I know God has placed you folks in a way to minister to your BIL, despite how hard it may be.

2nd - I love these posts about what God is doing. This is beautiful: 'when it feels like I'm falling, I can rest assured that I will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God." How true is that! I was struggling last night. My emotions were running high, and I was overwhelmed at how long the ttc struggle seems to be... but hubby and I were talking about the good things to come out of IF. And it's true, we will land safely in the arms of a very mighty God.

Thanks for this.

NeNe said...

I love this!! Thank you so much...God knows I needed to hear this- He awesome and you're awesome :)

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

stumbled across your blog..for i think the first time. wanted to say hello. i am also dealing with unexplained infertility.

i hope your prayers are answered soon!

The Baker's said...

Wow, I needed to hear and read what you wrote loud and clear,as I have really been struggling this week. Thanks for sharing your heart and putting it in to words. It was beautiful said. Thanks. Hugs and praying for you and your dh, as well that your brother-in-law will see Gods grace and loving arms around him to get him through and grow into a Godly father and for his future wife.

Melody said...

All I can share is a smile at this point...;-) You left me speechless...