I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Saturday, Tears

Friday was a very difficult day. Since it was 5 days before my next period- the maximum amount of days allowed before your period before you can take a pregnancy test- I was eager to take the test and hoped for positive results. It seemed like this month should be the month. I'd been off birth control for over 2 months which is the time recommended before expecting a pregnancy. I had an estimated day of when I was most likely ovulating. And we had sex quite frequently during that week, even twice on my most fertile day. We had done everything in our power we could do. Now I just needed 2 little lines to pop up on that test indicating that it had all worked.

Instead, my heart sunk again as the test read "not pregnant". I called my mom to get some motherly comfort and, instead, hung up feeling even more defeated with her response making me feel like I had failed spiritually and was disappointing God.

By the time Jesse got home and I talked to him about it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I poured out everything. I explained that I was having trouble, most of all, understanding why God doe things the way He does. What reason could God have for withholding a baby from us? Furthermore, I had nothing to hold onto to give me any assurance that being a mother was a part of God's plan for me. As I cried and cried, Jesse just held me in his arms and tried to console me. While he doesn't have a clue what I'm going through, he promises to stand beside me through all of the tears and keep on trying.

That night, as we climbed in bed, the distressing thoughts of earlier had seemed to pass away and we had a nice evening together. As he drifted off to sleep, I curled up next to him and rubbed his back and ran my fingers through his hair. And as I stared at his face, I wondered how much our children would look like him and, for that matter, what they'd look like at all. Then I had this overwhelming thought of how much he was willing to take on his shoulders to have a child with me. Not only was he accepting the terms to give up our duo by adding another member to our household. He was carrying all of the weight of the financial responsibilities, the time constraints, the disciplinary actions. He was accepting the responsibility of training up a human being in the way he should go, teaching the child the proper morals and spiritual direction. He was accepting the role as a spiritual leader, not just for me in our marriage, but for an impressionable kid who would follow in his daddy's footsteps for years to come. And tears began to pour down my cheeks as I realized how young Jesse is in taking on that task. While I am in no way questioning his maturity, it takes a lot for a 21-year-old man to be willing to sacrifice his own desires for the life and happiness of his family. As I continued to rub his back, I began to pray for him, asking God to strengthen Jesse as a spiritual leader so that he may direct our family wisely. That God would enable him to discipline our children with wisdom so that they may behave in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. That God would help Jesse make the right financial decisions as he provides for us. That as Jesse takes on the weight of these responsibilities on his shoulder, God will be supporting him in every way.

And as I prayed, I knew we were going to do just fine because God has enabled Jesse in stepping up to the plate in being everything he could be as my husband. While he sometimes fears that he's not enough of a spiritual leader to me, when I am weak, he stands strong encouraging me that God has a bigger plan. He has poured out more love on me than I've ever known. Everyday I look at him and feel more and more blessed that God answered my prayers and brought us back together. There is not a single marriage I've ever witnessed in which I wished our's was like their's. I am so proud of our love and of the man that God has made Jesse into. I don't know how long it'll take before we bring a child into our household, but I was overwhelmed with joy and love knowing that we're doing it together.

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