I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Monday, February 11, 2008

Monday, Bleh

Well, after taking a negative pregnancy test last Thursday, I had a slight hope that I still may be pregnant and was anticipating the arrival of my period to come on Tuesday. As it turned out, I started my period Saturday, instead, a whole 3 days early! I've handled it fairly well thus far, but there's an overall kind of sadness in dealing with it. I just feel like no one can offer me any kind of assurance that I will eventually get pregnant and, especially, WHEN that'll ever happen. And, in the midst of it all, I find myself surrounded by reminders of my baby-less-ness on a regular basis. I find it hard to listen to Kaela complain about the misery of her pregnancy when I'd give anything to be where she is now. I find it hard to sit side-by-side with Jolyn everyday and plan her shower as we discuss everything baby. And I find it hard to read the blogs written by an old school friend who recounts the details of her pregnancy. Everything hit me really hard tonight when I read her blog to discover that she wants to name her son Josiah (just like I do) and her daughter's middle name Grace (just like me again). I just felt this tension rise up in me knowing that she didn't even want to get pregnant. She wasn't trying to- in fact, she was trying not to. And now she has exactly what I want and plans to name her kids the same as me. It's not that I care much what she names them. I'll probably never even see them and we have no mutual friends. However, it's a reminder of what I don't have- no son to name Josiah, no daughter whose middle name is Grace. In addition, I tried to watch the Tyra Banks show today only to find that the topic was teenage pregnancies. I couldn't watch anymore after listening to the young girls describe getting pregnant and either choosing to abort their babies or give them up for adoption. Here are these young girls who were having sex outside of marriage and then choosing to get rid of their babies. I had to turn the channel. I couldn't stand it.

I feel like I've done everything in my power to get pregnant and I constantly am told stories of people who both get pregnant the very first time and those who have to wait years and years to get pregnant- neither of which are very encouraging. The first makes me wonder what's wrong with me and the second fills me with fear that I may struggle through the same trials. I know that every single person has a completely different story and experience. I'm terrified to not know what mine is, though. My heart aches for it so much and I feel absolutely torn that I don't know what's going to happen.

Supposedly, in about a week Jesse and I are going to set up an appointment with our doctor just to discuss our attempt to conceive and get some feedback. While I hope that it gives me a peace of mind, I worry that my fears won't be taken seriously since it hasn't been all that long that we've been trying. That, in the end, we'll just be told to keep trying with no assurance of how long it'll take. In short, I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I want SO much to conceive a baby and I'm absolutely frightened that it'll take a long and emotion time to even come to pass, and possibly, never happen at all. I try to give it to God and trust that He's in control, but despite knowing it in my head, my heart still aches. It's as if the two don't communicate with each other and I can't deny the pain and fear.

No comments: