Monday, Bleh

Well, after taking a negative pregnancy test last Thursday, I had a slight hope that I still may be pregnant and was anticipating the arrival of my period to come on Tuesday. As it turned out, I started my period Saturday, instead, a whole 3 days early! I've handled it fairly well thus far, but there's an overall kind of sadness in dealing with it. I just feel like no one can offer me any kind of assurance that I will eventually get pregnant and, especially, WHEN that'll ever happen. And, in the midst of it all, I find myself surrounded by reminders of my baby-less-ness on a regular basis. I find it hard to listen to Kaela complain about the misery of her pregnancy when I'd give anything to be where she is now. I find it hard to sit side-by-side with Jolyn everyday and plan her shower as we discuss everything baby. And I find it hard to read the blogs written by an old school friend who recounts the details of her pregnancy. Everything hit me really hard tonight when I read her blog to discover that she wants to name her son Josiah (just like I do) and her daughter's middle name Grace (just like me again). I just felt this tension rise up in me knowing that she didn't even want to get pregnant. She wasn't trying to- in fact, she was trying not to. And now she has exactly what I want and plans to name her kids the same as me. It's not that I care much what she names them. I'll probably never even see them and we have no mutual friends. However, it's a reminder of what I don't have- no son to name Josiah, no daughter whose middle name is Grace. In addition, I tried to watch the Tyra Banks show today only to find that the topic was teenage pregnancies. I couldn't watch anymore after listening to the young girls describe getting pregnant and either choosing to abort their babies or give them up for adoption. Here are these young girls who were having sex outside of marriage and then choosing to get rid of their babies. I had to turn the channel. I couldn't stand it.

I feel like I've done everything in my power to get pregnant and I constantly am told stories of people who both get pregnant the very first time and those who have to wait years and years to get pregnant- neither of which are very encouraging. The first makes me wonder what's wrong with me and the second fills me with fear that I may struggle through the same trials. I know that every single person has a completely different story and experience. I'm terrified to not know what mine is, though. My heart aches for it so much and I feel absolutely torn that I don't know what's going to happen.

Supposedly, in about a week Jesse and I are going to set up an appointment with our doctor just to discuss our attempt to conceive and get some feedback. While I hope that it gives me a peace of mind, I worry that my fears won't be taken seriously since it hasn't been all that long that we've been trying. That, in the end, we'll just be told to keep trying with no assurance of how long it'll take. In short, I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I want SO much to conceive a baby and I'm absolutely frightened that it'll take a long and emotion time to even come to pass, and possibly, never happen at all. I try to give it to God and trust that He's in control, but despite knowing it in my head, my heart still aches. It's as if the two don't communicate with each other and I can't deny the pain and fear.