Thursday, Disappointment

Last night Jesse and I climbed into the bathtub together for a relaxing soak and some intimate time alone together. As we began to talk, we discussed the things that have been on our mind lately. Jesse's first assumption was that my thoughts have been consumed by baby issues. I told him that while it has been on my mind a lot, it's not the only thing. However, I did share my thoughts about it. Then Jesse tells me that he has actually been thinking about having a baby a lot. He said that he is ready to be a dad. He looks forward to coming home from work and seeing his baby. He even imagined a scenario about raising a kid and had named his son Josiah, just like we had discussed. He said that he really wants me to be pregnant. I, of course, do too. I began to sob as I described how much I want it. I told him that as much as I hate being sick and throwing up, I'd be willing to throw up everyday for the next 9 months in order to have a baby in the end. I told him that I'd be willing to push a 10 pound baby out of my vagina if it means that I can keep that baby when it's all over. I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother, and now that I am a wife, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love being married and I love Jesse. I have fun with him and I love being in his arms and spending every day with him. It just feels like something is missing- like it could be so much better adding a baby to the picture.

As today approached, I debated whether I should go ahead and take a pregnancy test. Being 5 days before my period, I faced the possibility that it was too early for the test to detect the pregnancy hormone and I'd end up disappointed by a false negative. However, I feared more that if I waited until Tuesday for my period to start, the anxiety would increased more and more and the disappointment would be that much harder after so many days. Waking up today, I still wasn't sure if I was going to test or not. After waking up, though, I had the sudden intense urge to test. As the results appeared, my heart sunk once again to read the negative results. I got ready to go and left to pick up Jaydon from school. I called my mom on the way and cried the whole time I described the results and my feelings about it all. While she tried to comfort me, I felt helpless knowing that there is nothing anyone can do to assure me that it'll eventually happen. I can do everything I can physically possible and yet I still can't make the sperm fertilize the egg, and therefore, end up with nothing. I have so many questions for God and about Him concerning the situation. I don't understand why it seems as though he's withholding this wonderful gift from me. The Bible says that children are a gift from the Lord and that God opens and shuts the womb. So, why am I not receiving the gift? Why is my womb still shut? To top it all off, I had to spend the rest of the day making baby shower invitations with my 7-month pregnant friend, finishing my gift for my 7-month pregnant boss's baby, and attending her baby shower along with 5 co-workers who have recently had babies and constantly discussed the recent birth of another co-worker's baby and how no one else was pregnant at Willamalane. I was running around crazy all day working my butt off for other people's babies while stuffing down my depression about my own situation. I came home and collapsed in Jesse's arms with tears streaming down my face. He just held me as I described the events of my day and the emotions surrounding them. Jesse told me that he talked to his boss after receiving my text message that I wasn't pregnant. His boss described his own experiences trying to conceive and talked about praying after each time they had sex. I like that idea a lot but a part of me fears that it'll be that much harder if it seems that God is not answering my prayers. We also talked about setting up an appointment with our doctor to simply let him know we're trying to conceive and get some feedback. I don't think I've fully expressed my hurt about everything yet, but am not ready to have a complete meltdown because it just takes so much out of me. Meanwhile, there's a slight possibility that I really did take the test too early. According to the box, 60% of women get an accurate positive test 4 days before their period. That means that 40% get false negatives 4 days before their period and it gets more accurate the closer you get to your period date. That also means that 5 days before your period, the test would appear to be even less accurate- possibly more than 40% of people would get the wrong results. Therefore, I could possibly be one of those people, but won't know for at least 4 more days. I feel as if I can't bank on it, though, because it's never been so previously and I don't want to get my hopes up to only be dashed again within days.

So, as for now, I sit broken-hearted with an eensy amount of hope that someday, hopefully soon, I'll receive what my heart yearns for so deeply.