I began this blog when I was 23 years old and my husband, Jesse was only 21. That was in December of 2007 when we decided that we wanted to bring a baby into our family. We had no idea all that decision entailed. Back then I had a false assumption that I was super-fertile and would get pregnant even while on birth control. Well, I was off of birth control for over a year, went through all of the fertility testing, and then was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".

This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever been through. I ran the emotional gauntlet on this issue, ranging from intense sadness and heartache to anger towards God to total peace about what He is doing. God began to show me how He was using my infertility as a ministry. It is my hope to share my testimony with others so that they may either be encouraged as they face their own infertility or educated as they learn what infertility entails. More than that, though, I hope that the things I share point others to God regardless of what they are going through.

When I first began this blog, the entries were kept private. But I have decided to open everything up in order to let people see the raw truth of the struggle. I strive to find the fine line between sharing the truth and sharing too much information. However, it is my desire to share my heart, regardless. And I have learned that there is never "too much information" in the world of infertility.

After being diagnosed with unexplained infertility on November 17, 2008, I was put on a round of 50mg of Clomid to strengthen the quality and quantity of my eggs. I suppose it was how God chose to work because I became pregnant that very cycle.

In order to be sensitive to those who are still going through infertility, I have opened up a new blog about my pregnancy. I am maintaining this one, though, hoping that it serves as a testimony to anyone who may be going through infertility at the time they come across my site. If you want to follow my life's journey, check out my other blogs. And if you would like, please don't hesitate to email me:

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Comfort During the Season

I've been struggling with what to write on here more than just my beta results. I've seen this happen a lot with people who get pregnant after infertility. I never thought I would be one of them. What I didn't realize, though, is that my inability to write is not because I don't have anything to say, but because I am trying to be as sensative as possible to those who are still struggling this holiday season. I know many people are hurting this week and my heart goes out to them. I was thinking today especially of those I know who have faced miscarriages and are spending this holiday with babies in Heaven. I honestly cannot comprehend the emotions they must be feeling and the hurt that such a loss causes. The only inkling I have of it is just knowing how scared I was to lose this pregnancy and imagining how I'd feel if it did happen. And I know that's not even close to actually going through it. I had a thought, though, that I hope brings comfort to all of those who are going through this now:

I pictured each little baby being held in the arms of God. Even typing that out now brings tears to my eyes. I read something today that someone said about their lost child. They said something to the effect that it brought them comfort to know that the first face their baby ever saw was the face of God. What better place could they possibly spend Christmas?! Of course, our hearts yearn for them to be here on earth with us, but they are being held tightly by the One who knit them together in your womb. I don't understand why God would form that baby in your belly only to take it away, but I do feel certain that He knows the pain of experiencing the death of a child. Because 2000 years ago, He sent His only son as a baby in a manger. I think I've never thought of the conception of Jesus the same way I think of our own conceptions. I've thought of Mary as being pregnant and I've thought of Jesus as an infant in the manger, but what about what was actually going on inside Mary. I believe that God formed Jesus in her womb just as He forms each and every one of our babies (past, present, or future). I believe that He went through the stages of development as His arms and legs budded and His facial features developed and His heart began to beat. Can you imagine the God of the universe stepping down and assuming such a position? And while Jesus was born full-term and lived into His adult years, I can't help but think that God must've grieved a little bit knowing that He was turning His son over to be born all to lead up to His future death, just so that we could have a relationship with Him! I'm sure God feels the same grief when He places a child into your womb knowing that it won't stay there for long, but I'm sure that His purpose for that conception and death is no less amazing.

Here are a few pictures to end with. I hope this encourages someone who's going through a hard time. If you want to read more about some other stuff going on in my life, check out my other blog.


Kara said...

I love those pictures! I have never seen the middle one. That is so cool! Hope you had a Merry Christmas! Congrats on Beta test #3! PRAISE GOD!

Leigh said...

That is great news - well done./

I feel exactly as you do - anxious even though you should be excited.

Leigh said...

Mandy, thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. They mean the world to me.

You are right - I do have "beyond excellent numbers" so I need to trust that this pregnancy is in God's hands.

happy new year to you guys :)