Bittersweet

I want to thank everyone who has celebrated with me as I have shared the news of my pregnancy. I know what a bittersweet thing it is when you are still facing infertility. And I hate it that something that brings me so much joy would bring so much pain and heartache to someone else. But I understand it, and I want to be as sensitive as possible to it while still fulfilling the original purpose of my blog. I've been thinking a lot about why God would allow me to receive the fulfillment of an answered prayers, while I know that many around me are grieving harder than ever as they face another failed cycle in the midst of the holidays. I also wonder why it's me when I haven't even faced infertility as long as some others have. Each time I think these things, though, I am reminded of the Biblical women who struggled with infertility. The Bible doesn't give any indication as to why Sarah was barren for 100 years while Rebekeh was barren for 40. I don't know if one had unexplained infertility while the other had PCOS. There weren't OB-GYN's or RE's back then to reveal the cause of their barrenness. In fact, I struggle to grasp the grief they must've felt not knowing what was wrong with them at all and how long they may have to endure such a struggle. In addition to that, they were considered lower than everyone else because of their barrenness. I know that many of us have felt certain stigmas of society and wondered how long our infertility would last, but I doubt that it even begins to compare with what they faced.

Furthermore, as I've thought about how God DOES answer prayers and give you the desires of your heart, I've questioned how this can be true when some people may never conceive. In fact, I've kept in touch a bit with one of my aunt's old friends. She, too, battled infertility and underwent many tests. Today, in her 50's-60's, she still remains childless. Having said that, though, she has inherited step-children and still plays the role of a mom. You could argue that even though it wasn't in the way she prayed for, God still answered her prayers. Yet, it's not an answer that comes with peace and assurance, even for me. She sought God whole-heartedly and, from everything I can tell, has been a strong woman of faith. Why didn't God give her a child? I don't know. And I can't tell each one of you what He is going to do in your life either. Some may experience the blessing of children really soon. Some may have to wait for more years to come. Some may never experience biological children, but come to enjoy the fruitfulness of adoption. Some may choose to re-think their idea of "family" as a 2 party system and live their lives out in a partnership with their spouse instead of pursuing children further. Some may experience children only in a spiritual sense as God opens up doors for you to minister to others in their faith. This may be in ministering to others with infertility or to just children in general in youth ministries or to fellow women in Bible studies. Some of those outcomes don't seem to suffice in my mind, but I do believe with all of my heart that when God allows us to go through something like this, it is for a greater purpose. And some of you may experience the answers to your prayers when God knows that it is significant for THIS moment in history for your child to be conceived and born. Others may experience the joys of adoption, growing in understanding of how God adopts us into His family. Others may face long-term infertility, but I believe that even in this God will be doing something.

I know how much the lack of assurance that it'll ever happen for you breaks your heart. I know how much you just want someone (who really knows) to tell you that it WILL happen someday, and preferably WHEN! My greatest struggle was in the fact that no one could assure me that it would ever happen, and I didn't feel any assurance from God that it was His will for my life either. It wasn't until God began to show me how He was working in my infertility, and then teaching me to be okay with it as I let Him work in it, that He began to speak to me about anticipating it. You can read it in my entries. I was lost until then. Devestated. Confused. And when I poured it all out to God in surrender, I began to hear His direction in it. I'm not saying that the moment you surrender to God, He'll give you what you're asking for, but that I AM sure you will begin to hear His voice concerning your situation.

Wow. I didn't really mean to spew all of that out, but my heart was just aching for those who are still facing infertility, and I felt torn with how to share my joy with them in the midst of it. So, having said all of that, I posted an update on my other blog as to the baby's development and recent occurances. I put it there to announce to our family who is more distant about our news, but also to give those who are struggling some space, not overwhelming them with tons of baby talk. I love each and every one of you, truly, and pray for you regularly.